So pathetically grateful for an apology from dh

[AllAboutMargot]

I've been reminded by another current thread in Relationships about an incident with my dh and just wanted to check if you all think it's normal.

We were fostering a dog for a rescue, having had to have our own ddog pts two months ago. We said at that time that we wouldn't have another dog because they are a tie and we want to be free to do what we want.

We both took to this young foster dog who had a lovely nature, a gorgeous boy. My dh said we should keep him, I said no (for the reason given above).

My dh stopped speaking to me all day because I wouldn't back down (I usually do and he gets his own way) but our freedom is too important to now give up.

I took the dog back to the rescue on the planned day, I asked dh if he wanted to come but he ignored me. I was a little bit tearful when handing him over, but knew it was for the best.

So now, this is the crux of it - I was absolutely dreading going back home because I knew what was in store - a day full of silent punishment from dh. Anyway, I forced myself to go through the front door. Dh was waiting there and he said he was sorry and that he knew I'd done the right thing.

I broke down, thanking him over and over again for being nice to me. That's what I can't get over - that I was so grateful for his apology, I think it's a sign that our relationship is quite dysfunctional.

wanted to check if you all think it's normal

Absolutely not. You know it’s not don’t you.

I think it's a sign that our relationship is quite dysfunctional

Yes it is.

So now what?

Is your DH going silent if he doesn't get his own way a regular tactic? If yes, then yeah it's not looking good.

Well your husband apologising seems ok but you crying and thanking him is not and seems to show up a backstory. Does this happen a lot?

Perhaps you were just emotional because you felt a little bit guilty about taking the dog back (I am not saying that you should by the way).

So you were strong, stuck to the original decision, took the dog back alone the difficult task and then you ended up being grateful for his apology.

OP come on.

Sit him down, with stern conviction and say "in no uncertain terms are you ever, ever again to behave like a fucking toddler with me regardless of the issue. I ended up feeling grateful, like fucking grateful, that you apologised. You were a top prize arsehole, but regardless of your behaviour I have decided for myself that I am never, ever, going to let you or anyone else make me feel like that again. Ever. Do you understand?"

Well that is what I would do.

@AllAboutMargot either he is an intelligence services operative, and needed an excuse due to a mission or your dh, needs to get a grip and stop acting like kevin, from Kevin and perry.

all the best op

Wrong thread

Sounds like he's done quite a number on you over the years. You're grateful for him behaving like a normal human being, instead of an emotionally abusive arsehole.

I read a lot of awful stuff on here, but this story, in itself, doesn't seem so bad. There was a fall out, emotions were high, and it was resolved by teatime 🤷

The fact that the OP feels like she always backs down is a bigger issue that needs addressing. I expect it's one that many people feel in many relationships, even two people in the same relationship. That's not to say there isn't a wider problem that the OP needs to tackle here with her DH, but without more context, we really can't make the kind of judgments you have.

I read a lot on here about the 'silent' treatment being abusive.... It can be abusive if used as a tool to manipulate, humiliate or isolate over long periods. However, to withdraw emotionally from your partner after a fall out for a brief period isn't abusive, but can actually be quite normal and healthy - and I'd be surprised if most relationships don't have this from time to time - as it's sometimes necessary to let heightened tensions ease and allow the space that enables a calm resolution. Of course, if you're the one being withdrawn from, that feels crap, but it's not necessarily abuse.

Your fear and reaction is chilling.

You sound horribly emotionally abused by him.

This is not a good loving relationship.

Your reaction to him apologising is NOT normal.

Its the reaction of a friggtened highly trained woman.

Call Womens aid for a chat and some support.

Is this really what you want from your life?

I recognise the relief you describe when you receive an apology.

i thought about leaving many times over the years. Now 30yrs together, kids almost grown & leaving. He’s gradually improved as he’s got older and is now really quite civilised.

I would argue that some men are just harder work than others - their faults are numerous but they also have other aspects to them that also make them very attractive. My dp is very bright, funny, articulate, we share many interests and a sense of humour. He will never bore me.

he had a shit childhood and has a chip on his shoulder which is the root of most of his twatishness.

i decided the advantages outweigh the fact that he just usually thinks he’s right.

you might not reach the same conclusion.

@Tuilpmouse there's a difference though between silent treatment and emotionally withdrawing. In a healthy relationship, one would communicate their need for space to process an argument, but would still respond to their partner if spoken to. Silent treatment consists of completely ignoring one's partner and pretending they're not there when spoken to. That is always abusive and never okay. OP refers to it as "silent punishment" so it doesn't sound like he's just taking some time to process his emotions in a healthy way.

Nor would OP be dreading going back home and having to force herself to go through the door in a healthy relationship. Those feelings are, unfortunately, very much signs of emotional abuse. No one should be made to feel that way by a partner.

OP's reaction to regular silent treatment suggests he's been using it in an abusive way. Her utter relief and gratitude that he didn't give her yet another day of it speaks to this. She certainly perceives it as punishment and is afraid of it. It seems well out of the norm to me.

Healthy withdrawal would be saying "I need some time out, we'll talk about this later", unhealthy to stonewall and give silent treatment.