Not sure about the future

[Blueeyes83]

So I’ve been with my partner for 12 years, we have 2 young children. For a while now I’ve just not been feeling like I’m in love with him anymore and maybe something is missing. There’s been a few things recently making me think like this, he’s incredibly short tempered and snaps at me for the most ridiculous things, I feel like he’s turned into an old man before his time.
I get told off if I leave the utility door open or the other day apparently I didn’t mke the dinner quickly enough.
i pretty much work full time in a very stressful job and recently at his request increased from 4 to 4.5 days. On my half day off I have literally 2 hours to myself and he told me I should clean the house in the 2 hours free time. I do everything for the kids, he wouldn’t know how to do anything if I wasn’t there.
He says I lack affection and is constantly saying things like ‘please don’t leave me’ and ‘I love you forever’. It’s a bit tiring to hear all the time.
I think it’s all come to light more since I met someone in work who I have a connection with, he has a parter and a child but whilst nothing is going on between us it did make me wonder why has my head turned and can I stay in current relationship feeling like this forever.
My current partner thinks we are forever and he would be absolutely heartbroken if we were to ever split up.
sorry for the long post, I’ve not spoken to anyone else about this so my thoughts just go round in my own head.

It's fine, you aren't married so it makes it easier to leave. Take some time. Don't worry about what he wants. Do you want this to be your forever.?

It is probably easier to leave but I sort of feel like I am as good as married if that makes sense. He’s constantly going on about finances, whilst we’re comfortable he’s constantly going through how much we can save per month and when we can retire (it is years off!). I’m not allowed to work any less than 4.5 days as it’s apparently not fair on him so I need to bring in as much as I can.
As I type this he’s currently in bed having a sleep as he’s got a headache which he does regularly. I never sleep during the day at weekends at I’m too busy with the kids

My current partner thinks we are forever and he would be absolutely heartbroken if we were to ever split up

So? He's not too concerned about meeting your needs, is he? Why do you feel you need to meet his?

Have you told him any of what you've told us? If so, what did he say? If not, what stops you?

You're not in the prison. You're in a relationship with a complete nutcase who is controlling you. The door is open, you just have to walk out.

Not yet I haven’t. If I ever raise anything he has a habit of shooting me down and is very stubborn.
I was plodding along for a while and then I’ve been thinking more about my future recently hence lots of thoughts and feelings going around in my head. The thought of mentioning something does frighten the life out of me.

Yeah I do feel like I am controlled to some degree. On the rare occasion I go out with friends, I’m clock watching thinking I need to get back as he’s had the kids for x amount of time and he will be annoyed

If I ever raise anything he has a habit of shooting me down and is very stubborn

Doesn't care about how you feel, essentially, then? No wonder you fell out of love. He's following the steps on how to lose a loving partner. You're lucky to have realised now before it gets any worse.

Just leave. If he thinks you're married, he should treat you respectfully, or expect changes. It's not complicated.

Hard, from your point of view, but not complicated: this isn't about how he feels or what he thinks. This is about you, having the life you want, and only maintaining contact with people you feel good with.

He’s done a right number on you hasn’t he. He has it well easy (in bed with a headache indeed whilst you’re looking after the kids) and has trained and otherwise conditioned you to be in this low place you’re at now.

And no you are not as good as married because you are not married to him. He not marrying you has been deliberate on his part too.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Make no mistake here, his actions towards you are abusive ones. What do you think your kids are learning about relationships from this shit example of one?. What are you still getting out of this?.

Would you want your children to be in a relationship like this is as adults?
No you would not and this is not good enough for you either. Of course he does not want you to leave, this is because you do practically everything for him as it is!.

Your partner is treating you badly. I know that feeling when you don’t feel like you can tell them, because they never think they are wrong so it’s always your fault and your problem.

I had to see a therapist before I could start believing in myself. Could you?

Another suggestion. Spend a week writing down all the things you do and all the things he does (work, kids, home etc). Maybe add in his pissy comments, add in yours as well.

Review it after a week and maybe decide to show it to him. If he truly loves you he’ll want to make amends. My husband had a very selective memory he’d argue he did his share of say, the dishwasher, by saying ‘I did it the other day’, but the other day was in fact three weeks ago. So if you have the diary you can avoid this sort of denial.

The fact he doesn’t do his share is bad enough, but the fact you don’t even feel you can tell him is even worse. His reaction to your ‘proof’ may give you the reason you need to leave.

Would he genuinely be annoyed? Has he been annoyed by this in the past? I would stay out next time and if he's annoyed then you have your answer.

when I’ve been out before there’s been messages asking when I’m going to be home etc…

@sleepymum50 thanks for your advice, I’ll do what you have suggested. I have thought about seeing a therapist to help me work through things.

This man doesn’t love you - or if he does, it’s not a love worth having.

Talk is cheap. Tell him that. Tell him that his words of love are meaningless because he doesn’t act with love. His actions are selfish and self-indulgent.

Love is action. His actions are telling you in a range of ways that he doesn’t care about you or your small children. That’s why your love for him has died. He’s killed it. Of course he’d be devastated if you left but that’s not a reason to stay. This set-up suits him terribly well. But it’s wrong for you and a bad model for your DCs.

And he’d get over the break-up and no doubt find another woman to neglect in due course.

You may or may not want to give him one last chance by spelling out what he needs to do but I’d say this relationship is probably over.

If you do see a therapist don’t try and go cheap. I was recommended a chartered clinical psychologist at £100/hour. She’s my age(ish), has worked in NHS for years and specialises in adult relationships. I got this from her website profile.

Having been in an emotional abusive relationship (her words), my sense of self is so distorted that I need her as my voice/authority figure (my words) to counteract the head job my husband has done on me.

If money is a problem then you may only need a couple to clarify your thinking. I had about six but after the first session that was really support after I had declared I wanted a separation.

Best of luck.