MIL needs support, not sure what to do.

[Colliery]

So this is about my mother-in-law, I really want to know what people think about how much support you should give to parents who were neglectful/abusive to DC when they are growing up? My husband says very little (and he is the DC who was neglected/abused), I feel uncomfortable with that though. Do I leave it up to my DH to decide for both of us? Or do I choose for myself given I've known her for years? I feel uncomfortable with either choice. There is no one else.

I think it's completely up to DH to decide whether he'd like you to offer support.

What help does she need?

Of course you can choose for yourself, you're an adult. You should choose to support your husbands choice though. Anything else frankly is telling him his lifetime of abuse is of very little importance to you.

She has arthritis and is starting to struggle with her mobility. She probably needs to move to somewhere more suited to her needs, (she lives in a flat with quite a lot of stairs) she is still fairly young so I wasn't expecting this to happen so quickly. Needs help with claiming benefits maybe as well? I don't know, she might rally but she is definitely struggling atm.

Well, yeah. That actually stings a bit, maybe rightly so. It's just all a bit more complicated than I thought it would be. Thanks for your responses.

I think it’s up to you how much you help.

Signposting is the way to deal with this or otherwise you'll get sucked in.

So everytime she needs help suggest the appropriate agency, so CAB, Age Concern, Local Social Services, debt charities, that sort of thing. You'll probably find she doesn't access any of them but it's better than just sitting feeling guilted out. Don't go down the route of doing it for her, as you'll end up running around with her doing very little and becoming ever more helpless.

Support your dh. I didn’t and I feel guilty I didn’t.

Just go with what your dh wants to do you are allowed an opinion and choice but if he wants to help her move house or apply for benefits and then let him get on with it, his relationship with his mum will be complicated you might need to bite your lip.

Thank you all, signposting is a good shout, and I will do that, otherwise just take a step back and let my husband decide what he wants to do. I don't like uncertainty and it feels a bit of a problem looming at the minute, but I am happy to accept that this has to be my DHs decision.

Thanks again.

I do that with my DH @Colliery . The biggest way I support him is to let him make the decisions and very much take a back seat. It took a lot of getting used to - I was guilty of laying on the obligation and guilt and picking up things that didn't need picking up, before I understood more deeply.

He knows that I will help him in any way I can to do what he feels is appropriate to support his parents, he has shown he is pretty good at boundaries and signposting. He has mainly needed me to trust him, to reassure him and to back off doing what I felt 'should' be done.

@LittlePet

I totally understand that. My DH has helped me so much with my parents that I suppose I always assumed I would be able to reciprocate with his, and it feels odd to understand that he still has her in his life with this huge boundary that I didn't appreciate. I think he regrets still seeing her at all tbh and I feel I should have given him more support than I have. It seemed very much in the past though, it's becoming more apparent now. He seems to know that providing care for her was never going to happen, I just need to get on board with the reality of that in practice.! Thank you.

It is surprisingly tough @Colliery - one thing that has helped us both I think is that I actively chose NOT to mention them at all unless strictly necessary (never discussed this with him), a lot of false starts on that one but it did work...eventually! 💐

The thing is that he'll understand the manipulation/difficulties/abuse & if you don't have that experience, it's really hard to understand. Makes no sense.

I would be happy to signpost but probably not much more than that.

This person abused and neglected you husband. To me providing support is like saying that doesn't matter, that his pain doesn't matter.