I’m 33, I’ve been with my husband for 10 years but only married for 4 months. When we met I’d recently been dumped for the second time from my second ever relationship, so was feeling pretty rejected and worried I wouldn’t find anyone who wanted me. I was genuinely attracted to him when we first met but I’ve never had the strength of feelings for him I had for my other 2 exes because I don’t think we’ve ever truly “connected”.
Things moved very quickly so it felt like a serious long-term relationship after about 3 months and felt like we’d been together much longer. We have a similar sense of humour which I think was part of the attraction but otherwise we have nothing in common at all - his interests are cars, F1 and football and he’s a big meat eater. Mine are politics, art, going to the theatre, all of which he can’t stand. We have quite different worldviews and I’m also veggie which he sees as a big inconvenience.
I have very few friends and those I do have aren’t close - partly due to low confidence and self-esteem which it makes hard for me to let people in, and partly due to life circumstances and never living in one place for long.
While I was attracted to him at the start that faded quite quickly (probably by 1 year in), I think because I never felt a connection with him so our sex life waned from then. It doesn’t help that over the years since then, he’s physically changed a lot, quickly losing his hair and gaining a lot of weight from a couple of years in (I’ve also gained weight but I was an 8 to begin with and now a 12 so not to the same extent). As a result we’ve barely had sex since the first couple of years in and for the last 3 or 4 years we have sex probably once a month. I know this is a problem for him but I just don’t feel that desire and see sex with him as going through the motions. He thinks I just have a low sex drive but I do fantasise about sex with other people.
I also feel like I’ve somewhat sacrificed my career for him already - a couple of years into our relationship I was offered a place on the very competitive diplomatic grad scheme with the foreign office which was my dream job and while he was very reluctant he eventually supporting me in accepting it and I did a posting abroad for a year. While he supported me and we stayed together while I was abroad he made it clear that he felt it was a good experience for me to have had while young but wasn’t something I could continue doing. He wasn’t saying this in a controlling way but he’s a consultant cancer surgeon (and when we met was a junior doctor in training) so it wouldn’t be an option for him to move abroad without sacrificing his career (which I’d never expect). So he made it feel that it wasn’t a realistic career option if I wanted to stay together and have kids and I needed to find something else. I moved into the HR department instead and have worked in HR for the last 6 or 7 years which I find unfulfilling even though I have a decent job. I feel frustrated partly because I don’t really feel like he recognises the sacrifices I’ve made, I feel like if it was a man he’d be able to pursue that the career and would expect his partner to work around him (I’ve moved around with my husbands job although only within the UK), it feels like my partner feels his career is more important that mine which it’s hard to argue with because the work he does is so meaningful but I still feel like I should equally be entitled to a meaningful career, and I also feel like I could have kept doing it for a lot longer because we don’t have kids yet so but he understandably didn’t want to me to be living in a different country and continue to be in a long distance relationship. A big part of me feels like I’ve missed out an exciting life living abroad and doing my dream career, and I could never go back to it now without taking a big financial hit (I left after 18 months and would have to go back to the junior grade I was then whereas I’ve worked my way up in HR over the last few years and I’m on double the salary I was then).
Obviously these are the things that make me unhappy but for balance and in terms of the reasons I’m with him he’s a genuinely kind, caring and loving person. He’s close to my family and genuinely caring towards them too. He’s very affectionate towards me and I have to make a conscious effort to do the same because although I care for him my lack of feelings for him mean sometimes I can probably come across as a bit distant and he sometimes says he doesn’t get enough affection from me. Although to be honest I sometimes find his affection (constant cuddles and kisses) a bit much and while sometimes I enjoy it sometimes I just want to get away. I have tried to raise that I don’t feel fulfilled but he doesn’t get it, he wishes we didn’t argue so much but otherwise seems to feel completely fulfilled and happy and says he loves me and would never want to be with anyone else. When I’ve raised counselling in the past he’s totally against it, he sees relationships as private and wouldn’t even consider it. I’ve gone to counselling alone but found it hard to open up completely and it didn’t really help.
He also desperately wants kids but I know because of his job I’d be the one who’d end up doing most of the childcare and it would take away my freedom and sacrifice my career even more so I want to wait a few more years - he’ll wait but still keeps asking if we can have them sooner. He is great with kids and I know he’d be a good dad and spend as much time as possible with them but like most dads wouldn’t give up working full-time and he works long hours.
Honestly in the lead up to the wedding I had a lot of doubts but also wasn’t sure about leaving him and didn’t want to cause him so much hurt so it was easier to just go through with it. I don’t want to be alone because I struggle to be on my own, I don’t have a lot of friends or much else in my life and would be incredibly lonely. I also think I’d find it hard to find someone else because I don’t feel as attractive as I did in my early 20s and I don’t have any social networks to meet people through. I also know he’d be heart broken if I left and he’s completely against divorce (his parents are Muslim so it’s seen as extremely shameful even though he personally isn’t religious). But at the same time I often feel like I’m wasting my life away, existing and not living at such a young age and question if I really want to commit the rest of my life to this. I yearn for that “in love” feeling and connection I felt with both of previous exes (a 3-year followed by 1-year relationship) which I’ve never really had with my husband and to be able to fulfill my own dreams and ambitions and feel like they’re of equal value to his.
I’d love to get outside perspectives - should I be grateful for what I have, someone loving and kind who will be a great dad, should I leave before I get tied down with kids in the hope of falling in love or is it not worth the risk? Has anyone ended up becoming happy over time with someone they were originally unfulfilled and don’t see eye to eye with?
Sorry for such a long post and thanks for sticking with it if you’ve made it to the end!