How did I get mysef there?

[maggie1234567]

Hello, I would be grateful for some comments or advice on my complicated life situation please. Please do not judge as I know how terribly bad this all sounds.

I am in my mid 30s. I have been raised in a dysfunctional home with an alcoholic narcissistic mother and absent father. My childhood was full of abuse and lack of love.
All this has caused years of anxiety, panick attacks and depression after I have left home at 19.

At 22, I met my husband whom I married at 28. He is 6 years older and has somewhat “saved me”. The first years of our relationship, I have had a terrible depression and often suicidal thoughts. He has always stood by me in all this and had an unbelievable patience for me. In the meantime, I have managed to get a degree and a decently paid professional job. We now have a house, small child (unplanned) and a good life financially and I have gotten rid of my MH issues due to my childhood forthe most of it.

In the last few years, I have started to realise that I have had completely zero self awareness for most of my relationship with him. It is as if I have been sleeping through my life and my codependency issues have been extreme. I have always craved stability, family which I did not have in my childhood and thought that having a good and reliable guy is sufficient for a succesful relationship. My husband is an objectively handsome , enterprising guy and a good father and partner. However…our relationship has been completely sexless for most of it. For years, I have tried to instigate but he was never interested, always tired and I have given up. Strangely enough, it has not bothered me for a long time as I had so many “demons” to deal with and he has supported me emotionally throughout all of this which seeemed to have been enough at the time.

A few years ago, I met someone at work whom I have been extremely attracted to and have worked closely with.However, he was married with small children and whilst there was a mutual attraction for sure this had no future to go to anywhere as I would never want to break up someone’s family especially with children involved. Two years ago he left for another
job outside of our company and I have not heard from him since. After this, I have started to realise that there are serious issues in my marriage and the fact that I have had a terrible upbringing made me choose a stable but not a romantically compatible partner. I thought that the guy at work was some unique special connection that I will get over soon rather than the fact that I was unhappy in my marriage.

I dont feel there is any desire or chemistry between me and my husband. I have tried to improve things but I am at a stage now where I am completely not attracted to him even though he is now keen to work on our sec life too ( although I do not see much effort). I deeply regret bringing a child into this as I feel I should have left a few years ago (if only I have had this self awareness). When I got pregnant, I did not want to go ahead with it but my husband convinced me that I will regret having an abortion. I am now so terribly unhappy in my marriage and think that the only right thing to do is to split up. I am scared of being a single mother but I feel like I have no choice as there is no chance my marriage will improve.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and left? Got into a relationship young with no self awareness and realised you have married an incompatible partner?

I am sorry there are some spelling mistakes with me typing at 4.30 am🙈

I don’t particularly have any comments. There’s nothing in what you’ve written that makes me conclude anything but “well I guess that’s life!” and I simply mean because it’s easy to assume life follows a formula but it just doesn’t, and throws all sorts of curveballs, and what’s right for you at 19 doesn’t need to be right for you for your entire life. Marriage is a tricky one generally because it only really works when two people can grow together, and that’s not always possible. It doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything “wrong” or that he’s done anything “wrong”. You found a man at 19 who has been able to give you almost everything you’ve needed. It sounds like you’ve had a wonderful marriage so far, and he doesn’t sound like a bad man. It just sounds like it’s potentially run it’s course? I think you are right to consider how anything you do will affect your child, and I think it’s right that you are being mindful of your husbands feelings, but that doesn’t mean staying is the only option. What do you want to do? What’s an ideal scenario of how this can play out?

Sorry I don’t know why my head decided you met him at 19 when you’ve clearly said 22. Wish I could edit the post.

The question is if your MH problems would come back if you split.
You’d have to do life on your own, and presumably see your child 50%.

You should have had self awareness a few years ago. You had an affair or a crush, whatever. But you didn’t take responsibility for your actions or behaviour. Which was wrong.

All humans have lack the ability to be totally self aware to some degree or another. It’s far from unique and causes problems in our lives. But we learn to take responsibility for our mistakes and gain more insight into our hidden selves. In all honesty your life read like a series of messes for other people just about avoided.

Narcissistic alcoholics don’t and maybe you learned the wrong lessons in life when young. Get a grip.

Wow LemonTT what a mean post! Have you read the details of OP? People undergo a lot of change in their 20s even if they haven't got a difficult background to work through and sometimes you get to a point where life looks very different. Maybe OP 'getting a grip' is waking up and realising that she doesn't want that life for decades to come and making the difficult decision to move away. You don't have to stay in a relationship that is as you describe. Your H may be objectively great but that doesn't mean he's great for you. Don't worry about being a single mum. To stay in a marriage with no real joy will do more harm for your MH. Your post reads as though your H has been great in supporting you and that is great but it doesn't mean you have to stay for ever more. He will have got something out of the relationship too, a W a C, I can't believe he's been entirely altruistic all these years. Move forward, maybe a trial separation and see how things are. You have done nothing wrong and you cannot help the fact as you've grown in your 20s you've started to see things differently and you deserve a life well lived.

LemonTT · Today 08:18

that was nasty and uncalled for.

OP I can't give any good advice, but I know what you must be going through.

it maybe os time to called it on the marriage.

Thank you for sticking up for me!

LemonTT- yes, I should have had the self awareness a few years ago. But I have not had it because of trauma I have gone through in childhood, learning unhelpful relationship patterns and desperately wanting a safe and stable life situation as I had no family whatsoever.

You needed a father figure in your life when you met your DP. People don't have sexual feelings for their family members. Now you have grown up - due doubtless partly due to the stability love and support he's given you - you are starting to feel sexual. But not towards him.

But you are aware that having an affair with a married father is wrong ? That is a failure of morality not self awareness and it was your choice. It is still a ticking timebomb for his wife/ your husband and any of the children to uncover.

LemonTT, where does OP say she's had an affair?? You've come to that conclusion and been terribly judgemental. You can feel a strong connection for someone, not have an affair but it be enough for you to realise your marriage is lacking something and also realise that it's not ever going to be what you want. Wind your neck in!

Did she actually say she had an affair? I took it that they were mutually attracted to each other but didn’t pursue because both married?

maggie I had a narc mother and an alcoholic father, I was not the golden child!
I understand well how hard it is to be an adult with all that entails after such an upbringing.
I think you have reached a crossroads and are ready to start a new chapter in your life.
Move on and work towards the life that you really want otherwise you won’t be happy.
I have been lucky enough to be with the same man from age 18, I am now nearly 60 we are very happy and have 3 AC but it’s been hard shaking off my childhood, my self esteem was low and my parents still caused me trouble..
Now, my parents and brother are all dead and the longer I am without them in my life the stronger I feel.

Good luck.

I'm heading towards 60, married at 22 because neither set of parents would have coped with us living in 'sin' in the 80's!

Virtually completely sexless, how we had 3 DC's is almost beyond me...(turns out I'm extremely fertile!!) tbh, I thought there was something wrong with me, that I was unattractive. Not womanly enough. Etc. Then I realised he just wasnt very interested in women but couldn't bring himself to lead a different, more honest, life.

At 40, I met someone who thought I was utterly gorgeous and I realised there was nothing wrong with me at all - I was just living with someone who was fundamentally uninterested in me. I left my marriage and getting on 20 years later am still happily married to now DH. It wasn't without discomfort but you have only one life. He still thinks I am stunning - all this time later.

I feel sad because I spent my 20s and 30's thinking there was something wrong with me. Ex DH hasn't had a date since, let alone a new relationship so whilst he was never open about his preferences, I think I understood the lay of the land. It was a nice marriage for a time but I grew up and he couldn't.

Only you know the answer. You can spend the rest of eternity miserable with an incompatible partner. Or you can get yourself out there, single mum & all and find the life you want

Really appreciating your kind and ecouraging comments! Thank you!

LemonTT- we have never had any affair… you know when you have a mutual attraction. It was unspoken but palpable. As I said, I would never ever spoil a marriage where there are kids involved.

OP you have done nothing wrong at all and I really sympathise with your situation. You've come so far considering your childhood too.

It sounds like both of you got into this long term relationship for non-romantic reasons. I wonder what your DH's reason is - what is his background?

You say he's objectively handsome and that you've tried to instigate sex many times, so uk you're obviously attracted to him. I wonder if it's because you were so broken emotionally that his need to comfort and reassure you in the early days changed the dynamic and maybe took the sexual element out of it.

Talk to him - ask him how he honestly feels and how important knowing is for your current state of mind. If both partners have gone off each other sexually it's typically hard to turn around, but as you still seem to find him attractive there is hope you can resolve this.

Divorce is obviously an option but it is seismic.