I'm worried about him

[Aprilshow]

I have been friends with a man for a while which we have recently got into a relationship. I knew he had health issues which he had briefly told me about. We went to the pub the other night and he banged his head on a metal light fitting on the wall as the table was right under it as he got up from his chair. He didn't tell me till the next day he felt dizzy and had flashing lights in his eyes on the way home. I told him he should get checked out. Then later that evening he said he felt sick, weak, couldn't eat, felt confused and hot.

He has admitted tonight he is at the hospital as 111 told him to go (it took him 2 days to go). He has been diagnosed with concussion and one of his pupils is bigger than the other. I noticed a problem with his eye the other day but he claimed it was his allergy to the cat.

I have since found out his mum has been telling him not to tell me about his health issues. He has been worried about telling me about his health issues as he fears I will leave him for a 'healthy' man. His ex dumped him and told him he was broke, unloveable and unfixable for having health issues which has triggered his fear again in case he loses me. It seems like women dump him once they realise he hasn't got great health.

He keeps saying he is sorry for his concussion and I said it is not his fault and I don't judge and care for him. He is waiting for a CT scan tonight for his eyes. I'm really worried about him. I can't imagine being with anyone else, he is a really kind man. I have told him I will support him as I have a health background and can help him.

Are you one of those women who can only feel worthwhile by playing nurse and therapist to a damaged man? Is it important for you to feel superior to another woman who drew a line, understood her own needs and boundaries and moved on?

If yes, then this is the relationship for you. It won't be an adult one or a healthy one, but you can put your all into it and yes, you can indeed agree to be manipulated into the role of The Understanding Woman Who Will Not Let Him Down Unlike All The Others, and he will take your all and both of you will exist co-dependently.

You've only recently got together, but you can't imagine being with anybody else? What, ever? Sorry, I realise I'm missing your point here, but that sounds really unhealthy? Why so committed so quickly?

How is concussion from a bang on the head linked to his health issues? All the symptoms, except the eye issue, seem to fit with concussion.

His mother sounds manipulative though telling him to hide his health issues. How bad are they? Physical or mental? If you didn't realise there were issues when just friends, I can't see that they impact his life too negatively. If they do, how was he supposed to get away with hiding them?

I'd also be concerned that he is being manipulative by saying his exs dumped him for that reason. It's setting you up in competition with them to prove you can handle it, or make you feel too guilty to leave him for any reason at all.

What type of health issues does he have OP. ?

He said he gets head injuries as he falls as he said he lacks sensory awareness as he has autism. He has back issues. He had inflammation of the pelvis a while back. He has a manual job in a factory that causes injuries but won't leave just in case he gets made redundant with a big payout yet the job makes him physically ill. They won't transfer him to the office either. He has asthma but smokes, he says he will quit smoking yet hasn't. He has registered with an NHS no smoking programme. He did drink beer in the week and drinks energy drinks.

There is a lot to unpick here. None of it sounds very healthy.. you being so keen to rescue him, his manipulative deceitful mother, and of course, his questionable health .

Have you considered he may have some sort of addiction?

I think he has substance abuse addiction due to his past traumas from his childhood and relationships.

Do you not worry that this is the reason he a) has a job but is broke b) injures himself at work c)tells lies d) has a mother that covers for him e) has a lack of accountability about his addiction f) is attracted to a gullible yet professional woman?

So many red flags.

Please read up on co-dependency. Quickly.

I know you are right. Co-dependency is bad.

He said he has the all clear and was told to stop the substance misuse as it caused the issues.

Is this the same guy who apparently has numerous women pining after him?

With the "leaked" photo?!

He doesn't exactly sound like a catch! How long have you actually been together??

People are already unhappy about you being together, apparently because he's so irresistible to other woman (aka leading them on), he's a drug user at best and addict at worst, he has medical issues but isn't taking the advice of medically professionals (eg he is smoking), you're both acting as if you're star crossed lovers (using the phrase 'going public' and saying you wanted to wait to do this as if you're celebrities people are invested in), you've made multiple threads about him despite being around two months into dating him, you clearly have rescuer syndrome / a need to be needed and he is a prime candidate to take advantage of that based on your post.

Oh and you can't imagine being with someone else... despite all of the above and the fact you've only been together for around eight weeks and official for two or three.

OP with kindness, this is absolute madness.

You are absolutely not in the right headspace or emotionally robust enough to be dating anyone if you think all of the above is anywhere close to a relationship you should be pursuing.

This should have said:

Oh and you can't imagine being with someone else... despite all of the above and the fact you've only been dating for around eight weeks and official for two or three.

You might need to post on a different site for advice.

Fucking hell, op, you are not his nurse in shining armour. You should be running for this hills. There's way more red flags than just his insane amount of health issues.

@wellhelloitsme I spent the day with him today. I am so unhappy. I never imagined a relationship with him to be like this. Who knows when he will give up these substances. I want to go for days out with him. Not nursing and talking about ailments. A lot of his issues are self inflicted.

So what are you going to do about it @Aprilshow? You really need to end the relationship. And not stay 'friends' just to provide support to him despite his addiction, drinking etc. if you do that he'll keep you on the back burner as a potential partner. Then he'll fuck off when he meets someone willing to do everything you do and shag / house him. Which will leave you feeling even more shit.

Why be with someone so unwell . You sound too invested to mo quickly and he's not someone most women would enter a relationship with . You'll end up with a life dominated with his issues and be a carer ... or is that what you want ... some kind of weird maunchausen thing going on .

@Aprilshow

I didn't understand your post

Some people need to help themselves when it comes to this sort of thing

They are a lost cause.

I think you do have to think of yourself too. You can help him from a distance until clean. Or gets help otherwise he drag you down too.

@Ithurtbad I think you have understood what I have said :)

I feel he is a lost cause and I have given him information and supplements which he is taking these but he needs to try more for himself. It's the smoking and takeaways which is the biggest problem.

I must make sure I don't lose myself.

A lot of unnecessary drama all because someone accidentally banged their head. I don't know why you see that as a bigger issue than him being a drug addict. You've been dating for a hot minute, just dump him.