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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Made to feel like a shit person

14 replies

SienaBlue · 23/09/2022 17:53

Not sure if I'm overreacting, but I don't think so.

My daughter goes to a club with her friend. Myself and my daughters friends parents have been taking it in turns to drop the girls to club and pick them back up over the past year.

It was their turn to pick my daughter up and drop them to club, but they didn't turn up. I tried to phone them to check everything was okay, but there was no answer. So I jumped in the car and went around theirs to check if all was okay, thinking maybe their cars broken down or something, and I wanted to see if I could help and take them both to club.

I turned into their street and they drove past me, I waved and they ignored me. Now I have no idea what's going on, why they are ignoring me, as absolutely nothing has happened. We were all talking fine when I saw them yesterday. So anyway I dropped my daughter of and returned home.

I explained to my husband what had happened (our friend was there too). In front of our friend, my husband jumps down my throat, saying it's my fault, I must have done something, that I should have tried to ring them (I had already told him that I had tried ringing them and even went down there to check they were okay). And that I better sort it out, blah, blah, blah. I felt so embarrassed in front of our friend and just couldn't work out why my husband wasn't listening to what I was saying and just blaming me.

We went to get our daughter from club, as we drove past them to find a parking space, I waved and again they ignored me. Once we had parked, my husband made a point of leaving me in the car and going out of his way to walk down the street and have a good chat with them. He has never gotten out of the car to go speak with them ever before.

I felt like he was turning it against me, I felt isolated and like he was making it obvious that he didn't have my back.

I honestly still have no idea why this happened but I felt my husbands reaction made me feel like I was the one in the wrong and now I feel isolated because they're all still chatting and friendly amongst themselves, but I'm ignored and excluded.

I just can't make sense of it. Would anyone else's husband have reacted this way?. I am wrong to feel upset by it? .

OP posts:
Badbaddogagain · 23/09/2022 18:02

How odd. I would find that unsettling too.

RedHelenB · 23/09/2022 18:05

I'd guess the girls had had a falling out.

feckoffbrian · 23/09/2022 18:09

Even if the girls had a falling out, the adults can still talk and acknowledge each other.

There's a lot more to this story...

Watchkeys · 23/09/2022 18:14

I am wrong to feel upset by it

There are no rules about what you should and shouldn't feel. Your feelings are an expression of who you are. If your feelings are being disrespected, who you are is being disrespected.

Don't you start feeling shit about your feelings as well, that's adding insult to injury. This is how it works: you have your feelings, and you express them respectfully. Other people respond to them respectfully or not, and according to this, you choose who to have in your life. You don't change your feelings to fit the people, you change your people to fit with your feelings.

What would he say if you told him, calmly, how you're feeling now? What would you anticipate his response to be?

oobeedoobee · 23/09/2022 18:19

I agree that you need to have a calm chat with your H and tell him how he's made you feel, and I'd be expecting a genuine apology too.

ChampagneCamping · 23/09/2022 18:26

I suspect the couple were just distracted, so didn’t wave. Your husband sounds a dick though

Original poster
SienaBlue · 23/09/2022 18:31

It is very likely that the girls had a falling out, they do disagree alot and argue, but I always try to dissolve the situation and usually its all forgotten about a few minutes later.

I know my daughters friend is not living with her biological parents, so the parents she is with do give in to her alot as they think she has been through too much already. And I get that. But I think it would have been much more grown up of them to have called and said that the girls had a falling out, so they think it would be best that we take them on our own.

I've tried to explain to my husband how he has made me feel, he told me to shut up. He shouts alot lately and with what has just happened I'm totally not feeling okay. I'm starting to feel sad more often and being belittled in front of our friend just distroys my confidence. Should I avoid going out and being around friends incase he blows up on me in front of them again. Gosh I'm even questioning who I've married.

I know both his parents, and Aunty had dementia and alzhimers. Could it be the onset of that?

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 23/09/2022 19:08

What's he usually like when you talk to him about your feelings?

Original poster
SienaBlue · 23/09/2022 19:16

He used to care about them and show respect, but more and more lately he just disregards anything I say or how I feel. He's angry alot and has become very selfish now, only thinking about himself. I think he's struggling physically in pain but won't go to see a doctor. He seems to direct his anger at me.

OP posts:
Stripedbag101 · 23/09/2022 19:29

Forget about the other couple.

focus on your marriage to what sounds like an emotionally abusive bully.

why are you allowing him to treat you this way? He sounds like a horrible little man.

Watchkeys · 23/09/2022 19:29

Can you sit down with him when he's calm and talk about the changes you've seen?

Sounds horrible for you Flowers

Yeahrepublic · 23/09/2022 19:34

I agree that your husband sounds like an abusive bully. Do you have any RL support. How long has he been like this? I would be careful as whatever the reason, this is likely to escalate not get better.

Dery · 23/09/2022 19:46

The other couple’s behaviour is a bit odd but to be honest I probably wouldn’t notice someone waving to me from another car and I think it’s very likely they just didn’t notice you.

Their daughter may have led them to understand that your daughter wasn’t expecting a lift.

It sounds to me like the whole thing was blown out of proportion by your H’s behaviour. The change in behaviour may be a sign of illness and, if he thinks it’s early onset Alzheimer’s, he’s probably going to be pretty scared too although my understanding is that there are new understandings about ways to slow it down and prolong normal life.

Olsi109 · 23/09/2022 19:47

Your DH sounds like a dick. If my DH told me to shut up ever, never mind when I tried to voice my feelings to him, the locks would be changed the minute he next walked out the door and he wouldn't get back in. Thankfully my DH would never dream of speaking to his wife that way.

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