Reaching out to aunty

[chocsaucestrawb]

There was a fall out between my family and my mum made it clear she wouldn't be happy if I carried on taking to my aunt so I didn't...10yrs down the line i wish I was still speaking to her and I feel very sad
I know it's been ages but she's lost her brother recently and not just because of that but I really would like to reach out to her
My mum would absolutely go mental but I have this urge to reach out
We were so close and although I don't like regrets I feel I wish I didn't go down that path
I'm a mum now, 10 yrs on and I can see that my mum is unfortunately very bitter, negative and she just falls out with everyone
My mum is like very poorly so i don't feel it's the best option to talk to her about how I feel
I feel she wouldn't accept any part of the blame
Everyone else is the problem with my mum

Anyway how do I go about this and how do I tackle it with my mum ?

I don't want to fall out with her - my mum and aunt are both in their 70's

I just feel life is far too short and with some health scares this year, along with some family deaths I just can't shake this feeling that I'd like to reach out to her x

Reach out to your aunt. You don't have to tell your mother, you know?
None of her business - you're an adult.

@heldinadream thank you - I wasn't planning on telling her - just feel shit like I can't win

Not even sure my aunt will want to engage but it's not about that. If she does great if not then I've done what I thinks right and can live in peace

Long story and not for this thread but basically my mums been controlling, unreasonable and falls out with everyone over the years
I've always put up with it and never said a word
I've had counselling over it
But I see it so so clearly now
I just won't ever talk to her about it
She won't want to hear

But I don't want to live my life being controlled anymore
It's sad but since covid our relationship has gone down hill but I also love my mum dearly and it's not her fault
She had a miserable child hood x

IF she does find out or say it rekindles our relationship with my aunt and my mum does stop talking to me then I've lost my mum....that's my one concern 😪is it worth it

I would read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward.

I would think your own childhood was not all that fabulous either but you do not treat your own kids like your mother has treated you. She had a choice when it came to you and she chose to mete out the same old abuse that was done to her. Having a miserable childhood is no excuse. Controlling behaviour like your mother has and continues to show is abusive behaviour.

I would try and make contact with your aunt and I hope she responds favourably to you.

You did not get the mother you deserved sadly.

You need to grieve for the relationship you should have had with your mother rather than the one you actually got. That is part of the healing process from such abuse.

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you, that's made me feel sad reading that. I do understand what you are saying she's very poorly and I Just want to have to the best relationship with I can with her
Her mental health isn't very good either

Im some respects I have some lovely memories from childhood
My dad left and she had to raise me and my sister alone but she was very bitter and jelous of other people in relationships and she honestly doesn't realise she is doing it i believe
I just grew up thinking it was the norm to hate everyone until I got to an age where I thought this isn't right and then went for counselling as I felt so 'damaged'

I now am in a loving relationship have 2 children and can honestly say I feel happy and content and have come to terms my childhood wasn't one I deserved

But I do believe she tried her best

I feel sorry for her and I don't have any hatred just sadness x

But your mum's grip with your aunt is nothing to do with you and it's unreasonable for your mum to expect nobody else to talk to her just because she doesn't want to.

Gripe not grip

@LuckyLil yes I do understand that x she's done it for years though, and it's sad I'm just realising it now!! Well acting on it now
Hence why since covid we've not been as close as I've had to back away as some of her behaviour has been quite shitty ( wishing particular family members dead, slagging off my sister to hell me constantly etc ) I'm definitely going to contact my aunt x

I would write to Aunt, telling how how much you have missed her. Include a few photos of your children. Tell her you can now see your Mum falls out with everyone. Ask her if you can meet up. You have nothing to lose. Don't mention this to your Mum or your children. Then no one to let it slip to your Mum, your Aunt certainly won't tell her. Good luck.

@caringcarer thank you, I won't mention it to my children. Until she responds and maybe if we do go for a coffee which I'd love but I guess I'll cross that bridge when it comes to it x

She is fortunate that you actually still think she tried her best at all because she truly did not. Her best was clearly not good enough and her behaviours emotionally harmed your sister and you. Am so sorry that your dad also left you both with her.

Do you have any relationship with him these days?.

@AttilaTheMeerkat thing is there is were some extremely happy times and what I've said there are a handful of things over a million of things she did actually do right if that makes sense?

Her mum died when she was a baby and her dad wasn't hands on and hired help - it's all very sad.

She at times over compensated for us and I do believe she tried her best - best of her ability
I think counselling made me realise that.

She damaged me in a way that was abuse but not directly. I know that doesn't make any sense probably and I must sound weak like a victim but it's hard to put into words.

My mum needs professional help and counselling but she would never entertain it. She doesn't think she's the problem.

No I don't talk to my dad, he never really cared for us. He is still around somewhere but we've not spoken in years

My sister has been left a lot more emotionally scarred than I have. Hence why they do not talk. I've not ever fallen out with my mum but just because my sister she's been so vocal about her childhood where I have chosen to suppress ( hence my counselling )
She's older and in my experience got the raw deal and had it worse than me - my mum had been rock bottom when my sister was born but by the time I was born things like money were better so I think she had worse experiences than what I did x

You may also want to have a read of "The body keeps the score" by Bessel van der Kolk.

Both your parents here have failed your sister and you abjectly. You are survivors of parental neglect and abuse. You're right in that she will never get the necessary help nor seek it out. She still does not think she's the problem here; in the abusers mind its always someone else's fault and never their own.

Give your mum a big speil about God and forgiveness
The younger generation should have a chance to form relationships with all their older relatives
That your love for your mum will not be affected by contact with your aunt
That you are not going to carry on family feuds and want to show your children a healthier way forward
That covid made you realise that life is too short and we never know what is around the next corner

Or just that you want to. You are an independent human being and can talk to whomever you like and your mum trying to blackmail in whatever way not to is control and you refuse to be part of that philosophy anymore.

When you do connect with your aunt I would look to compartmentalise the stuff with your mum. Give her a brief update if you feel the need to but don’t let your relationship with your aunt take on a life of its own dissecting your DM.

Only have this relationship if it is mutually positive and beneficial to you both.

If you do feel the need to unpack all of your feelings about your DM try to do that with a professional who work with you on acceptance, self compassion and healing. Our friends and relatives may have other unconscious drives and agendas.

Good luck

@DFOD it's a good point
My aunt may have questions of her own and may want to talk about my mums issues
I infact do not want any part of that and will be from the start telling my aunt that
X

Hi OP. Did you meet up with your aunt? How did it go? Hope the situation with your mum is alright too. I do understand she’s fighting a battle of her own.