Can mismatched sex drives ever work?

[Exworrier]

Been married 10y. We have two young kids. I want it every 10 days on average, sometimes every week sometimes I’m good for 2 weeks. DH has much higher sex drive, he wants its every 4/5 days and would probably take more.

We keep butting heads on this, as he gets very frustrated and moody and I get turned off even further when he acts this way. I do understand his frustration but I can’t make myself want sex more. He also says I am not generally affectionate enough, his love language is very much physical touch, whereas mine is acts of service. I don’t touch him enough, he doesn’t do enough for me.

I just wondered what people thought, is there any turning this around or are we doomed. Does feel like make or break time.

Stroppy if he doesn't get sex on demand is not ok. It's manipulative and/or very unpleasant.

This would be one of my main dealbreakers which would cause me to separate from a man.

I’m not sure I’d class it as stroppy, he just kind of withdraws a bit and he is snappier than normal. He is still fun and chatty. I think it’s frustration.

I’m not sure I’d class it as stroppy, he just kind of withdraws a bit and he is snappier than normal.

Moodiness, then, in a way he's making sure you know about. And stonewalling. None of this is ok.

Does he perceive that you’re actively withholding sex because you think he doesn’t do enough for you? Or is that just what you’ve written here and not something you’d say out loud?

A mismatch of anything - whether that’s sex drives, domestic cleaning standards, interest in family time - is always going to be difficult to navigate in a relationship. How do you approach other areas where you’re mismatched? What sort of compromises have you each made? Can you discuss and apply them to sex?

What sort of compromises have you each made? Can you discuss and apply them to sex?

Sex isn't something someone should have when they don't want it. It's a completely different beast to a disagreeing about housework, as it's very unpleasant and damaging for someone to have when they don't want it.

It's not an obligation like housework etc.

I think it would always cause tension if not discussed and talked out. Is he a good talker/listener? Are you? If not you might need a mediator such as Relate.

We talk about it a LOT and we do understand each other, he will say he will try to be more patient and I will say I will try to be more open to it, but when it comes down to it we are not on the same page and we end up having the same argument every month.

pretty much every other aspect of life we agree on, and get on ok with apart from sex and the old division of labour argument.

im seriously consider just scheduling sex once a week as a compromise. Feels icky but so does divorce.

Actually I would say they can work if the mismatch is not too extreme and, from my own experience and threads on here, I would say a slight mismatch in sex drives is quite common.

In your case, the mismatch doesn’t seem huge - you’re not saying you only want sex once a month while he wants it several times a day.

In the first 15 years or so of our relationship, my DH had a higher sex drive than I do but again not a vast gulf. Think - every few days vs every 5-6 days or so.

For us, there was compromise on both sides. I found that my sex drive was quite reactive. I would never have sex if I didn’t want to but found that often if we engaged in some intimacy, I felt ready and happy to have sex. So we had sex a bit less often than DH would have chosen and a bit more often than I might have initiated it (but never when I didn’t want to).

So yes, given that your relationship is good overall, in your shoes, if that’s how it works best for you, I think it’s fine to schedule in weekly sex. Lots of couples do it. It’s sometimes called maintenance sex because the couple see it as important for maintaining their closeness and their relationship overall.

There are some very helpful articles on this from clinical psychologist Samantha Rodman Whiten (Dr Psych Mom) - I found this one good but there are others linked from it that may be more relevant to you.
When Women Consider Physical Touch To Be A Less Real or Important Love Language. Whether "maintenance sex" might be good for you really depends whether you experience responsive desire, ie you enjoy sex once you get going but rarely want to initiate, or whether you just don't enjoy it that often.

I have a higher sex drive than my DW most of the time - if I come on to her and she isn't interested I don't usually get a direct no, she will tell me to rub one out. She might then decide she will "help" me or she might just carry on with whatever she is doing and leave me to do what I want. This compromise works well for us.

pretty much every other aspect of life we agree on, and get on ok with apart from sex and the old division of labour argument.

What is the division of labour argument. Is this a classic you need to compromise to fit his needs (and scheduling it is a move towards divorce) but you still do everything around the house

Be interesting to see some responses as this has always been an issue in my marriage.
It's dropped a bit recently due to my husband putting on weight which turns me off.
I'm not sure what to do either.

She has a really good podcast as well, her coverage of responsive desire and general common sex-related issues is really worth listening to. Obviously every situation is unique, but OP, I presume you've told your husband that you're not magically going to be up for sex like he is, and that if he wants to have sex more he will need to address any areas of resentment between you? If you've said his lack of effort with housework is causing you to lose respect for him/resent him and he still does nothing about it, I'm not exactly sure what he's complaining about

It's also worth noting that when men want sex they often just want affection and reassurance that their partner still loves them and finds them attractive. If you can find other ways to express this than having sex (kissing, compliments about his looks, even something like a love letter which the above psychologist strongly recommends), you might find you can take the tension out of the situation and get to a point where you're both happy with the sex you have - both its frequency and its quality, because if you don't feel tension about sex you'll probably be more likely to enjoy it!