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Original poster

It’s moved wayyy to fast - Help!

19 replies

Lablo · 23/09/2022 03:04

I ended a very loveless LTR about 3 months ago. I should have left about 3 years ago but here we are…

I met a great guy 6 weeks ago and we really hit it off! Had sex on 2nd date (I know) but it felt right and I had been in a sexless relationship for too long it felt amazing to feel alive again.

We have now met up and had sex about 6 times, he doesn’t live near me (about 2 hours travel) so meeting about once a week is reasonable with work and we usually travel to the nearest city, do tourist bits, have food, then hotel and sex. We have never stayed over as I have a DD and need to be back for her.

We text everyday, but usually the couple of days after our dates he is much quieter - one line responds etc. then it picks back up.

We talk about loads of stuff but mostly passion/sexy talk. We have shared naughty photos etc we have stayed up texting all night some nights about everything and anything.

He recently said that he feels addicted to me, bit of an odd comment but I took it as a compliment. We have also joked that we shouldn’t ruin what we have by falling in love so quickly, it does feel like we have an intense bond - we both have said it’s like we have known each other years.

Thing is I can feel myself falling for him when really this was meant to be abit of fun - no future as we both live far apart and have jobs etc

Its all too much too quickly isn’t it? How do I slow it down without scaring him off or do we think his lack of response after dates is a sign it’s only fun for him??

sooo out the loop after 11 year relationship!

OP posts:
Joystir59 · 23/09/2022 03:10

You need to focus on your daughter and yourself. You haven't even drawn breath after your ltr.

Joystir59 · 23/09/2022 03:12

This new thing isn't going anywhere, it's just sex for the other person, and you are ridiculously invested in it.

crumpet · 23/09/2022 03:23

It’s just sex. He goes quiet after you have met up, until he is ready for more sex. He’s showing no signs of wanting to actually be with you outside of sex, chat to you over the phone, or discuss general day to day things that aren’t related to sex. You’ve said nothing that suggests that to him this is a developing relationship.

Original poster
Lablo · 23/09/2022 03:27

Thanks for the responses.

100% I need to focus on me and my DD. 90% of the time I am, I’m working extra, spending more quality time with her (she is a teenager) so as much quality time as they allow lol

and this was meant to be a bit of fun but it’s gotten quite intense. I can’t work out whether it is just an ‘instant connection’ thing or whether I am reading too much in to it.

he does appear to say the ‘right things’ at times like he misses me etc but other times I think - hmm this is just sex. Which I don’t think I mind at the moment but I need advice on how to keep my feelings at bay!

OP posts:
crumpet · 23/09/2022 03:33

Good luck - post LTR can be a tricky time - definitely take the time out for you to settle into the new life with your dd. I am an extreme example as I took 10 years post divorce before another serious relationship, but it worked for me. I am a pretty independent person, And I enjoyed focussing on me, the dc and my family and friends without interruption.

Darkness22 · 23/09/2022 04:29

Back off on the texting and don't write such intense messages. This will probably not last so be careful what you're sharing. Enjoy for the excitement but no more. Its just there to build you back up.

WhileAFoxIsWatching · 23/09/2022 04:37

During a relationship I had last year my hormones convinced me it was deep and meaningful. But other than flirting, looking back the conversations were insubstantial. I began to realise this after staying with old friends for a few days. I realised that this guy would never fit in with them. He simply couldn't have kept up with the conversations. Doubt crept in about compatibility. It ended soon after. It was largely sex. We are both nice people.
Perhaps take some time to immerse yourself in your existing life, to get some necessary ballast.

youlooklikeapenis · 23/09/2022 05:03

Stop meeting up with him for sex if you're concerned.

Cyberworrier · 23/09/2022 06:14

I can really empathise with wanting to throw yourself into something new after a long sexless/ affection-less relationship. Particularly if you feel there's a connection.

However, you make it quite clear that the connection is sex, and that he's quite clear in how and when he messages that that's his focus. I suppose if you feel ready for a sort of friends with benefits situation, perhaps that's what you've found yourself- or in other words someone to have fun sex with? And why not as an adult.
My caveats are- are you sure you're not wanting more from him? And also, sexual messages/images, I'd be really worried about those when you don't know him that well and the relationship is casual.

Original poster
Lablo · 23/09/2022 07:20

crumpet · 23/09/2022 03:33

Good luck - post LTR can be a tricky time - definitely take the time out for you to settle into the new life with your dd. I am an extreme example as I took 10 years post divorce before another serious relationship, but it worked for me. I am a pretty independent person, And I enjoyed focussing on me, the dc and my family and friends without interruption.

Yes I am increasingly thinking this tbh. Just got a bit carried away tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lablo · 23/09/2022 07:22

Darkness22 · 23/09/2022 04:29

Back off on the texting and don't write such intense messages. This will probably not last so be careful what you're sharing. Enjoy for the excitement but no more. Its just there to build you back up.

Thanks for the comment. Yeah I am going to back off I think, he is going on holiday with some friends so that will give us some space.

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 23/09/2022 07:27

You're dickmatised! Nothing wrong with that, an intense sexual connection is fun and refreshing. Enjoy it for what it is. It is unlikely to turn into a full on relationship but you'll find out if you continue it on the same level - don't increase how much time you spend together or let him meet your DD for at least 6 months as you'll know by then if it's anything more than great sex!

Wibbly1008 · 23/09/2022 07:28

Lablo · 23/09/2022 07:22

Thanks for the comment. Yeah I am going to back off I think, he is going on holiday with some friends so that will give us some space.

Show quote history

Use his holiday to create some space. Let him text you when he gets back, start leaving hour gaps between messages to start the slow down. It’s great you are having fun and getting out there again, but it sounds like you just need to cool the intensity of it and bring it back into check.

1994girl · 23/09/2022 07:31

You are stupid, putting him before your child.

macthekwife · 23/09/2022 07:37

No it's not too much. There's nothing wrong with falling in love quickly in fact that's how it works if there's a connection.

But you still need to take it slowly in terms of living together or meeting your child. You need to take that extremely slowly and if he truly cares about you, loves you, then he will be perfectly okay with that. He will commit to you and wait for you to introduce him to your daughter, he will not pressure you on that or to move in, precisely BECAUSE he loves you.

So yes you can be falling in love but no you can't rush it in the other ways. Also, be mindful that this addiction, which is basically how your brain responds to love, it's the same neurological pathways as drug addiction, it will fade in 6 - 12 months. Wait for that and then you will know how you both truly feel about one another once the dust settles.

Enjoy this time and see where you are in a year. If he has a problem with that you can end it knowing his love was superficial.

And yes be in love with him but don't make him your world. Your daughter and yourself are your world.

Original poster
Lablo · 23/09/2022 08:02

1994girl · 23/09/2022 07:31

You are stupid, putting him before your child.

What? How am I?

she hasn’t met him or even knows about him - and I see him once a week while she is at school on the day her dad picks her up?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lablo · 23/09/2022 08:05

macthekwife · 23/09/2022 07:37

No it's not too much. There's nothing wrong with falling in love quickly in fact that's how it works if there's a connection.

But you still need to take it slowly in terms of living together or meeting your child. You need to take that extremely slowly and if he truly cares about you, loves you, then he will be perfectly okay with that. He will commit to you and wait for you to introduce him to your daughter, he will not pressure you on that or to move in, precisely BECAUSE he loves you.

So yes you can be falling in love but no you can't rush it in the other ways. Also, be mindful that this addiction, which is basically how your brain responds to love, it's the same neurological pathways as drug addiction, it will fade in 6 - 12 months. Wait for that and then you will know how you both truly feel about one another once the dust settles.

Enjoy this time and see where you are in a year. If he has a problem with that you can end it knowing his love was superficial.

And yes be in love with him but don't make him your world. Your daughter and yourself are your world.

Thank you for your comment.

oh 100% I wouldn’t be introducing him at all (was the plan!) but would never even tell my DD about such a relationship at this stage. I highly doubt it will last a year to be honest although time will tell.

But it’s also refreshing to hear the perspective about falling in love/ addiction. It’s a wonderful feeling so far but I am conscious that it’s all a bit ‘too much of a good thing’ and I’m usually a very sensible person lol

OP posts:
Original poster
Lablo · 23/09/2022 08:06

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 23/09/2022 07:27

You're dickmatised! Nothing wrong with that, an intense sexual connection is fun and refreshing. Enjoy it for what it is. It is unlikely to turn into a full on relationship but you'll find out if you continue it on the same level - don't increase how much time you spend together or let him meet your DD for at least 6 months as you'll know by then if it's anything more than great sex!

Love that! 😂

we were actually saying the other day there needs to be a word invented for the feelings between lust and love - maybe that’s it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lablo · 23/09/2022 08:06

Wibbly1008 · 23/09/2022 07:28

Use his holiday to create some space. Let him text you when he gets back, start leaving hour gaps between messages to start the slow down. It’s great you are having fun and getting out there again, but it sounds like you just need to cool the intensity of it and bring it back into check.

Show quote history

Sound advice - definitely will try and get my head out of the clouds whilst he is away

OP posts:
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