How to stay strong

[Moodspill]

Anyone any advice about how to stay strong when discussing separation?

I feel this is the best option after 10 years together, infidelity on his part a few years ago, which I discovered recently and 3 kids.
I can't see past what he did even though he claims he is sorry.
We have already had a few chats, but obviously he wants to stay together and gets really emotional and I just feel awful. It feels that I then give in and say that I am ok to keep trying and I'm not sure that I am.
How can I stay strong and put my thoughts to him in an understandable manner so we can move forward. I think he is in shock that this is happening.

Do you actually want to separate or are you just unsure you want to stay together? Because both are ok. You can take as much time as you need to make a decision.

Next time he pressures you into saying you are happy to try, instead answer "I don't know. And I don't know when I will know. But if you pressure me to give you an answer now then don't be surprised if I answer 'no'".

Write him a letter as preparation for the big talk?

I know it's a bit shit, but you can get your thoughts in order on paper & list the things you need to discuss & give your reasons why you want to end it and your plan to move forward - a move out date etc.

Honestly, you shouldn't feel an ounce of guilt - you tried. He ended the marriage with his infidelity, this is the consequence of HIS choices. He bears responsibility & the guilt. If anyone has the right to be emotional & upset it's you.

Thanks.
I think I want to separate as I don't think I can see him in the same way ever again, but I do still love him. It has tainted our life though.
I don't want to drag out any decisions but also want to make sure I give enough time too.
And yes, he was the one who made the mistake, but I am really empathetic so it is really difficult for me to see others suffering, even if it was of their own doing.

I think you need to see it as a decision you've made, for yourself, in the past tense, rather than a decision that you are both making, for the relationship, currently.

You're not going back, so as soon as he stops being practical in a discussion (i.e. turning on the waterworks), tell him you'll come back when he's calmer. Otherwise you're just putting yourself, as a single person, through the hell of watching someone cry for you. That's his business to deal with, now, alone, or with people he's close to. He's essentially looking for break up support from you, by means of being told you're not breaking up.

Tell him in advance that you can't sit and watch him cry, or have conversations with him whilst he's crying. Tell him in advance that you can't have any more conversations with him about getting back together, because it hurts and you've made up your mind. Tell him that if you walk away from these discussions, it's not to hurt him, but to minimise hurt for yourself, because you each need to look after your individual needs, now.

Thanks all.
It feels so hard as we get along well, I just don’t find him attractive in a sexual way since I found out about everything.
I will definitely try and write some things down and remember that he made those choices so I shouldn’t feel bad of the consequences of it.

He’s got a fucking nerve guilt tripping you with his whinging after he cheated on you.

Try to tune into your anger. How dare he emotionally manipulate you when he betrayed you?!

You should be fucking furious that he has the audacity to play the victim when he was the one who chose to destroy your marriage.

Sorry to be blunt, but it's time to stop being a doormat and stop having sympathy for him. He did this, not you. It's about fucking time he deals with the consequences. Get a solicitor and take him for everything you can get.

I guess he is realising he can't treat people like shit and expect love and trust and respect from them.

Bit disappointing he had to learn the hard way, most of us learn this fairly early in in life.

I wonder how he would feel about you if you had an affair behind his back and expected him to carry on as normal when he discovered it?

I'm guessing he wouldn't be very cool about it either.

@nuttynotty i doubt he would be happy at all

@Aquamarine1029 and @AtrociousCircumstance you are right, I should give zero Fs about his emotional state. But it's really hard when you have built a life together and there is a deep rooted love because of all you have been through. Plus, I am awful when people are sad, I don't do well with it, I am way too empathetic.

I just don't want a marriage without sex, yet I don't think I can knowing what he did with someone else.

He certainly gave zero fucks about you and how you feel when he cheated OP.

Empathy is self sabotage/self destruction in instances like this.

Are you sure you want this to end OP?
You're still very rooted in how he feels.

As PP said, you need to get in touch with your anger to resolve this one way or another, instead of getting side tracked & guilted into keeping the peace.

This kind of big thing needs to explode in order to begin to resolve, whether you stay or go.

He's betrayed his family & left you grieving for the man you thought you'd married and now, unsurprisingly, he doesn't want to hear it.

So he cries. So you stop. So nothing resolves.

Ugh. So easy for anonymous people on the internet to say this, so hard when it's your life and the man you built a life with 💐sorry you're in this position.

@AtrociousCircumstance you are right in that it is self destruction. I'm just really struggling to find that empowerment to push through and not forfeit things to appease his emotions.

@GroggyLegs i know anger is probably the key, but how do we coparent well and remain amicable if I am not able to maintain pleasantries.

If I was responding to someone else I would most definitely be encouraging them to get mad, give him what he deserves, and get out. But you are right, it is so hard when that person is all you have ever known and you have invested everything into your life with them. Made huge sacrifices for them etc.