Husband nightmare

[Mday]

I’ve been married 14 years. Our marriage has been up and down for years. I met a friend online who lives in the USA. I feel in love with him and he came to visit me and we spent the weekend together out of town. Best time I’ve ever had and I felt so safe and happy but I lied to my husband about my location.

I told my husband a few weeks later about this guy during an argument. He’s since threaten to get custody of the kids (although he’s always told this through the marriage). He’s now told me to block the USA guy, change my phone number, take a medical sexual test. I really miss the USA guy. We had something special.

He frequently flips out at me now & has installed a spy app on my phone to allow him to view where I am and who I’m texting.

If I leave, he says he’ll take the kids from me and I don’t know what to do!

Well. He's not wrong to be furious and upset and not trust you. You seem quite relaxed about the impact on him here.

That doesn't mean he gets to install spyware on your phone though.

If he doesn't trust you, you need to split.
If you want to continue with your USA guy you need to split.
Honestly it sounds like your marriage is over.

However in the UK you cheating is not a reason for him to get residency of the children.

Who's primary care. Do you work? Does he? Who does school runs etc.
You'll need to work out a residency arrangement through court if necessary.

Well, the blunt truth is that you cheated on him, you can hardly expect him to be over the moon, can you?

What you need now is to try and discuss, as adults, how you’re going to separate and manage the children and finances.

YOu're not going to get any sympathy for cheating - did you think you would?

I'm not surprised your H is now paranoid and checking up on you. Your marriage sounds like it's dead in the water. You have cheated, he doesn't trust you and you are not remotely remorseful (that bit is the key thing).

The American is a red herring - he gave you a bit of attention and you had your head turned because you were bored. He is irrelevant.

End you marriage. SPend some time alone and work out what you want with life. Also,... apologize to your husband.

You've cheated. Your husband's anger is understandable. Installing spyware on your phone is unacceptable and you should feel free to uninstall it, but you need to accept that you are the guilty party here. Apologise to him, divorce him and start over.

Where do you live?

You sound quite North American yourself.

Are you for real, OP? No wonder your marriage has had ups and downs if you think it’s okay to have an affair and then throw it at your husband during an argument. How do you expect him to react? And you have no idea whether you have something special with this guy from the US. It was total escapism. It’s easy for him to seem fabulous when he’s shiny and new and you’re going through the daily grind with your husband. But perhaps this was what you needed to end your marriage and it certainly creates clarity for you and your husband.

All that said, your husband won’t get custody of the children because you’ve slept with someone else. But it sounds like your marriage is over so you need to get some legal advice and work out the terms of your separation.

Pretty much everything I was going to say has been covered.

You honestly can't expect him just to be okay with you cheating, regardless of how bad the state of your marriage is?
Do the right thing and end it. He won't get sole custody over one incident of infidelity.