Hating your own mother

[wannabemidwife]

I really hate myself for writing this message but i have never ever felt so low.

I am 21 years old and have been with my dp for over 3 years. I know he is 'the one' for me and we are buying a house in June next year

But here's the problem.....
My mum has agrophobia she has had it for 22 years (so all my life) i have been on holiday with her once and never been shopping with her (you know properly obv been to the supermarket a few times) She used to be such a stress head about the house being a mess people leaving stuff ANYWHERE, she hardly ever has a nice word to say about anyone or thing. And nearly a year ago she was really getting me down. one morning i got up to go to college and she started having a go at me for my boyfriend leaving his shoes under the table saying the house was a shit hole swearing at me and screaming and we'd messed it up totally overacting.

I phoned my boyfriend in tears saying could he please not leave any of his stuff around the house and he phoned my mum and had a go at her saying that if she had a problem with him she should tell him and not upset me. They haven't spoken since.

I feel completly trapped in the middle, I can't go home and talk about him even say something like.... "oh me and dave did this" etc

My other 2 sistershave boyfriends and my mum worships them even though they both drink smoke weed and dont have jobs. It breaks my heart to see this. As a result of this whole thing my family don't have a relationship with the most important person in my life. He has a great relationship with my dad and his gf we went on holiday with them this year and go out every single week, but it's not enough. I also stay at home once a week. I stay at my boyfriends every night so i also feel like i don't have a family anymore.

My boyfriend is so selfless. When he used to come round to my house and he would get a pizza he would go to everyone in the house before having any himself. We looked after a house a few houses down from my mums while they were on holiday for 3 weeks and my bf told my mum (coz he knew she didnt have alot of money) to send my sisters for their tea every night and he would cook for them. We went shopping and he bought food and made them their tea nearly every night. Then a few months after that when he had finished work he came round to my house and got some cereal. When he later went home my mum yelled at me saying who the hell does he think he is helping himself to food in HER house!!! We used to sit eating our tea while my boyfriend just sat there with nothing as she said she couldn't afford to feed him. Now she will actually ASK my sisters boyfriends what they want fro their tea FFS

I know it sounds horrible but i think i hate my mum. I still love her I HAVE TO LOVE HER shes my mum and i still hate people slagging her off. When we go out with my dad sometimes we get on the subject of her and then i feel terrible going home knowing that we've been slagging her off. But she openly slags him off to her freinds in front of me and my sisters and theyre 16 and 14 she lets their boyfriends stay at our house in my sisters beds!! and one of them is growing a canabis plant on my back window sill in the living room, and there is a bong in the kitchen cupboard, she lets my 14 yr old sister stay off school all the time and lets her get drunk etc

I feel like im becoming depressed which is my biggest fear because i dont want to end up like her

Not really much point to this post at all just had to get it off my chest

thanks for listening

Oh dear wannabe, not sounding too good........hope you are felling a little better now you have written it all down. Sometimes just being able to get it out of your system and saying all those things you feel guilty about feeling, can make you feel as if a weight has been lifted.

Not much advice I can give really apart from to remember the saying " you can choose friends but you can't choose your family". Thats not to say you have to just put up with everything they throw at you, as you say you have to love your mum (cos she's your mum) but there is nothing forcing you to 'like' her. I know you don't want to be disrespectful and you just want her to be as nice as you obviously are but sometimes we just have to face the fact that people aren't what we wat them to be.

I wouldn't be surprised if your mum was a little jealous about your lovely dp and your dad and his gf being happy together........by allowing your sisters and their boyf's to stay at home and do whatever they want, she is ensuring they don't leave. Why would they want to?? I bet you any money she has realised you have a fab partner and you are very obviously clever enough to want to leave at some point.

My advice, and I know this is hard to take, is just to rise above it. I know you will be worried about your sisters but all you can do there is try and infulence them independently of your mum, see if you can take them out and show them a bit about life outside the living room and the weed plants.......as for your mum, I would leave her to it. She isn't thinking about you in all this so why waste your time worrying about her - concentrate on your life and the future you have with your dp, thats all that matters really!

Hope that helps and you feel a bit better now....

Sorry you are feeling so rotten. Could you not move in with your b/f permanently and just go and visit your mother.

Is there any way you could leave home now? Doesn't sound like the best place for you to be living with the situation you describe.

really feel for you - all i can say is today is the day to stop your mum having any power over you. she has had her chances and she has blown it. i'm not going to comment on what problems i think she has etc.you are more important, you said yourself your fear is that you willl become her. i will just say that you need to start your life afresh without the baggage of your family. i understand you are grieving for the family you never really had. many of us do. i would start to build on the positive relationships in your life and celebrate that. don't let her push those buttons anymore - if you do feel (out of guilt/duty etc.) to continue a relationship with your mother then as soon as she begins to press those buttons then walk away, make your excuses, don't react and say got to go. i have found the thing that exhausts me most is the constantly reacting or responding to my mothers neuroses, feelings etc. it has taken me a long time to realise its nothing to do with me and my life has become so much more peaceful since i have distanced myself from her. loving your mum doesn't have to be complicated and there is definately more to life than a bloody tidy house. i am always so suspicious of families with immaculate houses as i know how much misery for all the children that goes into presenting their lives in this way. best of luck and let go!!

Hi Wannabee,

Am very sorry to read of your family situation.

I would start by suggesting you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward, this may well help you as a starting point with respect to your relationship with your Mother.

I see no mention of your Dad in all this; does he have any part in your life?. If so, can you talk to him?.

Being surrounded by such an emotionally toxic environment will not help you at all. You need to find a way forward for you - whether your Mum will play any future active part in your life is your decision to make.

And one more thing - although I do not doubt for a moment you do love your Mum despite everything you've suffered to date, you do not have to feel or be under obligation to love your Mum unconditionally.

With best wishes

Thankyou everyone for reading and bothering to reply. I can't really remmber alot of your points but they were very very helpful. I can't actually move out now (believe me i would if i could) i am a full time student and working full timeish (35 hours) I have to save up before i can move out which is why weve decided on June. I only stay at home on a sunday night anyway.

I do see my dad every single sunday (haven't got the time to see him anymore) i get on brilliantly with my dad went on holiday with him this year and we're moving very close to him. He feels just as bad as my mum refuses to compromise on anything.

When she lets my 14 year old sister stay off and he pops round (he's a taxi driver round our area and so pops in to use the toilet get a cup of tea and see my other sister) my mum tells my sister to either hide upstairs or tell him she's been sick. You're all right the sooner i move out the better. And i might give that book a try

Thanks again