Would you still go on weekend away?

[Whogatecrashedwho]

DP is obsessed with his hobby (I know, I know). Never married, no kids (one long term relationship before me though) and his hobby is basically his whole life. He won’t use his annual leave for anything other than his hobby, or things relating to his hobby. My hobby is very similar to his (this is probably the only reason we’ve made it as long as we have!) and so I am now involved with his hobby too. This has been the only way we’ve managed to spend any time together, by me either going with him to his hobby, or going along to days out related to it. Luckily for me I’ve started to quite enjoy our occasional days out and sometimes we stay overnight.

About a month ago, DP told me he needs to go away next weekend (30th) and invited me to go along. He needs to drop something off a few hours drive from here and so he suggested we make a bit of a weekend of it (one night stay) and have a day out (hobby related!) on the Saturday. We would then drive home so he can go to his hobby on the Sunday. I agreed and was quite looking forward to it as we haven’t been anywhere for a while and I barely see him, and we’ve recently had a bit of a row about his hobby dominating our life and I thought this was a nice compromise.

Then about a week ago, he casually tells me his friend is now coming too. As in, travelling with us, spending the evening together, joining us on the day out the next day. I was very annoyed and told him so! For context, his friend helps him with his hobby, they used to be very close but at the start of this year his friend stopped coming along or messaging him at all. He hasn’t heard from him for months, and hasn’t seen him this year. Then friend got back in touch and has apparently invited himself along on our weekend. I used to quite like the friend, although over time some things happened and I found him to be a bit sarcastic, rude about DP, he changes when DP is around and is a little bit chauvinistic. DP has other friends from his hobby who I really like so I don’t think it’s just me being awkward. We fell out because he said his friend was coming now and he wasn’t going to let him down. We didn’t discuss it until a few days later, when DP asked me if I was “still going away with them”, which made me annoyed again because it felt like I was the one gatecrashing their weekend away!

Last weekend I saw his friend for the first time in months and it seems I may well be the one gatecrashing their weekend. The friend is saying that DP has basically begged him to come along (always seemed odd he invited himself as there’s
nothing in it for him at all, and no need for him to be there, DP could easily go alone but only invited me to make a day out of it). They apparently have big plans to drink on the Friday night after we arrive, and his friend plans to drink all day Saturday on the day out too. I don’t drink, so already this isn’t seeming like a fun weekend for me! DP used to be a much bigger drinker, he has a few occasionally now but I’ve never seen him even close to drunk. But he won’t need to drive for 24 hours between arriving and leaving so he may well be planning a piss up on the Friday night (friend isn’t driving at all). Later, after discussing the plans for the weekend (which now revolve completely around what the friend wants- he’s chosen where we are eating, that they are getting pissed, that we are going to bed late and not getting up early the next day, etc) the friend told me it would be better if I just didn’t come. DP said it’s up to me if I still join them. He says he won’t be drinking as much as the friend as he wouldn’t want to be hung over on the Saturday.

Am I wrong for completely dreading this weekend away now? I’m actually quite nervous of how much this guy plans to drink (there’s a slight backstory here but I’m not sure how relevant it is to this problem, I’m also aware this post is very long already- sorry!). I’m worried how much DP might drink and that I won’t like him very much drunk. I know he won’t drive drunk (he’s not an idiot and it’s a hire car and his job is as a driver so he’s screwed if he messes that up). But I’m not sure I want to be hours from home with two drunk men while completely sober. It’s nothing like the weekend I imagined.

So, should I go? Part of me thinks I’ll be happier staying home but I also feel like I’m going to spend the weekend annoyed that I should be having a nice weekend away when I’m not! What would you do?

Jeez. Surely you are worth more than playing second fiddle to cycling/hockey/fly fishing/morris dancing/cage fighting.
Enough already.

Leave your partner and his boyfriend to their knobby hobby. Go out and make a life doing what YOU want.

You can do so much better than him, OP. He isn't a caring or kind man.

Don’t go - get someone who treats you well and makes time for you.

My first thought was Scouting - that can be all consuming - I know couples where it is their whole life outside of work

🙃

I don’t think so. He doesn’t seem to be autistic in any other way than the hobby obsession. Maybe though. Definitely not diagnosed though.

I wonder if his friend would’ve been first choice, had he not been ignoring us all for almost a year. Then friend reappeared and I became less needed for the weekend! Story of my life though, I shouldn’t be surprised.

My test for whether someone should be included in something I want to do, is whether it's more fun if they are there, too.

It doesn't sound as if this passes that test. Stay at home, so something peaceful and let your mind wander about what sort of life you want. How little you have been expecting from 'DP'. What he really brings to your life.

Those kind of things.

Your partner sounds horrible :( incredibly selfish and thoughtless too
he invited you along then pushed you out and essentially made you believe it’s your problem for not now wanting to go..

This man isn't your partner, OP, he's barely a boyfriend.

It makes me so sad to think you're rushing about facilitating his hobby, while he is very firmly showing you that you are last in his list of priorities, behind his job, behind his knobby hobby, behind his mate.

"Never make someone your priority who treats you as an option."

All the time you're wasting your energy on this dickhead, you could be meeting somebody you actually deserves you.

Definitely don't go, it sounds awful. Also reconsider the DP. He doesn't sound very nice.

Yeah not only are you way less important to him than this hobby but you're also less important than a friend who had pretty much ghosted him. Plan a nice weekend for yourself and seriously think about whether you should stay with someone who puts so little effort in.

I’m so sorry OP, how unkind! I would not be going. I would be using the joint account/his credit card to book myself into a nice spa for the day, since the weekend I’d kept free to spend with him suddenly became available as time for myself!

How long have you been together and how often do you see each other? Do you ever spend time together that doesn't involve his hobby?

It is basically a weekend of you watching him and his mate get pissed. This is how much he values you. It sounds utterly shit. And so does your partner.

God don't do

But he doesn't even sound like a partner. They're meant to improve your life somehow. He sounds like he just does whatever he wants to do and assumes you're okay with that.

How long have you been together?! Has it always been like this?

Don't go and don't be there waiting for him when he gets back. Gives you a nice few days to pack his stuff and kick him out

Story of my life though, I shouldn’t be surprised

Please don't take the way he's treated you to heart. The fault is his for being a thoughtless, selfish dickhead, not you for being a nice person who just wants and deserves an equally nice, thoughtful partner.

Thank you x

To answer a few questions, we’ve been together 2 years. No he doesn’t really take an interest in my hobbies or anything but he really is very single minded about his hobby (hobbies actually) and how he spends his time. When I try to discuss it he gets defensive, shuts down or says ridiculous things like that’s fine he will just give up all his hobbies then and not do anything at all… 🙄 which is clearly not what I’m asking for! We will be discussing it (again) in about an hour when I can talk to him properly. Thanks again for all the replies, it’s made me see things much more clearly.

I'm so sad for you. This is a miserable way to spend your life. Two years? Don't make it three

He sounds like a manipulative manchild.

He is constantly putting himself before you. Your feelings, wants and needs apparently don’t matter to him.

And when you try to discuss how you feel, he turns on the victim act and tries to gaslight and manipulate you into being the bad guy for even attempting to talk about it.

Absolutely nothing wrong with having a hobby. My DP and I both have ours. But in a relationship you have to have balance and compromise. Only ever putting your hobby first and never prioritising your partner, means you don’t care enough about your partner to ever try and put their needs first.

So no, do not go with them at the weekend. Use the time to focus on something you enjoy doing. And to think about whether this is a relationship you really want to be in.
And I wouldn’t bother contacting him whilst he’s away either. Switch off from him and focus on you.

I wouldn’t go either as I’d be so annoyed at feeling pushed out for the friend and the hobby in general. I think you are perfectly reasonable to feel the way you do.

Don’t go, but don’t stay home feeling annoyed about missing out either. Go somewhere else for the weekend! Find a hotel or hostel or see if you have a friend or family member who would like to meet up instead. Spend a bit of time doing something you’ve not had time to do since all your weekends started being taken up by your boyfriend’s interests.

Doesn't have to be the end of the relationship if you don’t want it to be. But let it be the start of a more balanced life for you, where you get to do your own thing and enjoy it.

It's a no from me. Mind you I wouldn't stand for being second to a 'hobby' in the first place.