Overthinking/being controlling heads messed up

[CakeMonster1]

Hi.

I'm looking for anyone that may have been in a similar situation or anyone that can see sense as my overthinking is making me ill.

My DH and I have had a bit of an odd few months, i suffer with PTSD and depression and been hectic with work (we've both been hectic with work) often we are like passing ships in the night so haven't been as close as we should be but we usually have a great marriage.

Anyway, he's having to go stay with his son who is lives in Ireland (needs his dad as just had major surgery and other than his mum his son doesn't have no contact with anyone else in their family just close friends). Possibly for a couple of weeks, problem is his son who has never liked me lives next door to his mum (DH ex wife). She's a meddling cow and DH and ex don't really speak but DH family adore her.

I've found out that his mums his main carer and is in and out all day tending to him so DH is going to help out and spend quality time with his son.
Am I being insecure or would anyone else have a problem with DH ex being in such close proximity when she's been part of a huge problem with DH family and me (lots of problems over the years, DH son kept out of it all and has no contact with my DH side of family at all yet his mum my DH ex still does.)

Not sure if I'm overthinking or if it's not really the thing to do being married and going to be virtually 24/7 around this bitter ex of his. İt's not that I don't trust him, I don't trust her. She's history of stirring up so much trouble and spread so many rumours it doesn't bear thinking about.
She cooks every meal for the son and like I say may as well be living in there. I think it makes it worse that his ex will try olay happy families as she's made it publicly clear she she loves my husband and won't stop at anything to get him back.

Not sure I'm comfortable with the whole thing tbh.

Not sure what to do, worried about bringing the subject up as it's eating away at me and don't want DH to think I'm being jealous or unreasonable but I don't think it's right and it's effecting me now I feel so sick with anxiety and it's nagging me.

I think deep down, the question I would like to ask for advice etc on is:

Would you be comfortable your husband being in such close environment with their meddling ex? Sat drinking together, eating together, chatting away and having no idea what's going on?

Whether or not ex-wife is meddling is irrelevant surely - do you think she will also try to fuck her ex for a giggle whilst also worried sick about her ill son, and oh dear, his penis will accidentally fall into her even though he didn't mean it or something?

If you think this then you do not in fact trust your husband. If that is how you feel then you need to discuss it with him and then you are going to have to let him go to be with his son whatever the outcome of your discussion. You are allowed to be anxious and you should be able to tell him so without ridicule but in truth the only cure for your anxiety otherwise is to dump him.

You are right. They'd both be equally at fault if anything happened between them, I think if we hadn't had a few months of no real intimacy and time for each other I wouldn't feel so insecure.
Part of me thinks he will be flattered anyone showing him attention and affection as my libido hasn't been great due to strong antidepressants which he says he doesnt mind, but what men say and do aren't always the same are they.

I think the words of my mate have made me feel worse as she bluntly said if I ain't giving he will take anything from anyone as men need sex and that hurt. İs she right? İt's never happened between us before in our marriage, but she said there's always a first time and it may have happened that I don't know about.

Dump your mate. Communicate your feelings to your husband.

What do you think his response will be like, if you tell him you're feeling uncomfortable about his trip, and why?

I honestly don't know @Watchkeys I'm worried he will go berserk and think I don't trust him, it's not that I don't trust him I know how twisted his ex is with her game playing and rumours she spreads.
A big part of this is my insecurities though, I've been insecure since a very bad childhood and always get anxious. I've had so much therapy over the years that I probably will always overthink things and my husband knows this. I do believe though that if I was going to be spending time where an ex of mine was he would put his foot down.
I feel like I'm being stupid but then the next I feel sick with worry.
I think he would listen, he may fly off the handle a bit and think it's jealousy and me being silly as he struggles to understand my mind works sometimes which is understandable as he doesn't have mental health problems. I'm worried if I bring it up, he will think I really don't trust him and it could push him into his exes arms. (Again I think I'm being irrational) just scared of the unknown.

I hate being inside my own head I really do.

I'm worried he will go berserk

Why? Has he gone beserk before? What did that look like? What set him off? What sort of things make that happen?

I can honestly say it wouldn't bother me at all. I trust my DP. When he is spending time with his ex he is doing so due to his child.

Just to clarify this is a child in their 20's

He's got angry before and been extremely verbally abusive, sulked and then gave silent treatment.
he's never ever been physical or violent and never ever would he's too soft and hates physical violence full stop, but his words in arguments in the past have made me feel an inch tall.

It's only ever happened a handful of times over the entire time we've been together. It's usually started off with miscommunication or due to his ex. (He's had to block her before as she would ring at all hours asking for him to take her back etc)

Ok, back up. He's not going over to play happy families with his ex wife. This is not a social visit. This is not about you and him. Let them deal with it. He's going over to pitch in to help out his son, who is recovering from an operation.

As someone has previously pointed out, what you seem to be worried about would be him having sex with his ex wife and if he did, that would be absolutely on him. He's rightly worried about his son and so is his mother. Let them deal with it. I'd be livid if my DP interferred in this situation, he wouldn't dream of it.

Take your attention off her, she's incidental. Let him go and be with his son and try not to disasterise. You don't have the right to always know what's going on with a partner, don't let your insecurities and jealousy get out of hand.

Cross posted with your post about him being verbally abusive, using the silent treatment....not healthy, and probably not helping your mental and emotional health, maybe adding to your anxiety over the trip, but not a reason in itself for him not to go and care for his son

his words in arguments in the past have made me feel an inch tall

OK. He's abusive. He treats you with disdain when you express concerns to him. And you feel like you're being stupid for feeling upset and not being happy with him or the situation.

How do you think people with verbally abusive partners normally feel? Happy and light? Self confident? Or a bit shit?