Support needed

[Newmumoct20]

So I’ve posted on here a few times about my relationship and how many issues there were. That doesn’t make the inevitable any easier though.

I work from home 99% of the time, yesterday I was in the office to the first time in weeks. When I left for work everything was fine, the last few days he was distant but I just figured he was fed up with work and life stuff, I went to work and at 11 he called me and said he was sorry but he’d packed and left and wasn’t coming back. We have been together 5 years, we have a little one who’s almost 2, and I feel devastated. By the cowardly way it was done and by the fact that although I knew we were going through a rocky patch, I’d put up with so much to make it work, he just couldn’t be bothered to try. This is the 3rd time he’s left and I’m certain this time he won’t come back. I feel like I don’t know how to cope without him, he’s been so controlling over my life isolating me from everyone I feel like I don’t know how to breathe without him. I’m doing the best I can to keep it together for my little one but it’s so hard and still raw. Any advice or suggestions on next steps? Agreeing arrangements? Or just a virtual hug 😢

Sending virtual hugs. If he’s been controlling then you are well shot of him, change the locks. I was very suddenly widowed a few years ago and it was like someone destroyed my life, but if I am honest I rather like living by myself now, it’s much tidier 😉. It will get better.

Oh op make this the last time and start rebuilding your life and friendships again
Fuck that arsehole
What a piece of shit to end it like that

Thank you for the messages. I had the worst night last night didn’t sleep at all and my anxiety is so bad, I literally felt like I woke up having a panic attack. It feels like I can’t survive unless I am with him but am well aware that’s an effect of an abusive relationship. Just wish the pain would go away.

I’m sorry you’re feeling so bad, but you know the anxiety is a result of his controlling behaviour and that’s a positive. Can you tell someone irl ? I found I wanted to keep my ex’s awful behaviour secret, I suppose I thought it reflected on me, but once I told someone I felt so much better, it really made a huge difference.
I think also you have to decide you don’t want him back. His yo-yo behaviour is probably part of his control. Once you take the upper hand, change the locks so he can’t move back you’re on the way to getting yourself back.

The pain will take a while to go. You’re traumatised because of his abusive behaviour and because as part of his abuse he has isolated you from other people to make you super-dependent on him. Do you have counselling lined up? Have you done the Freedom Programme? You need to protect yourself against him trying to come back and future potential abusers. You also need to protect yourself in any co-parenting that you do with him.

Honestly, OP, it doesn’t feel like it now but he’s done you and your little one a huge favour. This is a very bad relationship for you and a very bad relationship model for your child. Start reaching out to the people he isolated you from. Sensible family members and friends will understand and just be really delighted that you’re back in touch. Plan distractions and activities for yourself that you really enjoy doing and particularly things that he wouldn’t have enjoyed or where he would have interfered with your enjoyment.

You will have a better life without him - it’s just going to take a bit of time to get there.

Thank you everyone for your advice. I’m feeling a little better today but still so sad. He says there is a chance in the future if I change he might get back with me, clearly I need to stay strong enough not too!

Make the decision for him - don’t allow him back into your life. See his current behaviour as an extension of the abuse and end things now. Change the locks, don’t respond to him (or block him), don’t engage - he wants you to have him back, to allow yourself to be even more controlled by him. Make the choice for yourself and your child.

OP, I know you’re devastated, but…Good Riddance.

You’ve written many threads about this cruel, violent alcoholic who damages objects, makes endless threats, and calls you horrible names. Your child lives in a chaotic alcoholic home and is being damaged beyond belief.

Being abused and controlled is your normal. Children who observe, hear, or witness the aftermath of abuse are themselves victims of abuse. In addition, much has been written about the difficult lives of individuals raised in alcoholic homes.

This is deadly serious. Please get individual counseling to break this poisonous trauma bond, strengthen your boundaries, and rebuild your self-esteem. And do the Freedom Programme. When he eventually returns, you must stand firm and send him away. He will never change. You have to stay strong to protect your son.

So here I am 2 years on, we got back together but now my life is well and truly broken. My son is 3 and he is my world, but if it wasn’t for him I know I wouldn’t be here anymore. To cut a long story short we got back together but he didn’t tell any of his family so we have been sneaking around for 2 years almost. He never moved back in and has bought his own place and sees me and his son when he can. He’s not kind to me, always calls me a drip, tells me I’m fat, that I’m a bad mum when all I’m trying to do is keep my family together. I’m so sad with it all, I just want to run away