At what time of the year did you separate?

[Beanscheese]

Since having depression a lot in my early twenties, I discovered that living my life in accordance with the seasons has helped to keep my mental health in check since. I no longer dread the cold winter but see it as a time to hibernate and retreat a little.

I know that there is no ideal time to separate, but I had planned to separate from my husband in the summer after 2 years of getting my ducks in a row. But when it came around, life felt too busy: the children had their birthdays, there was a summer holiday, late nights, early mornings and I just couldn't muster the strength to initiate the separation. He knows I want to separate but is content living as housemates. I am not.

Our youngest child has just started school and is having wobbles about it each morning so now doesn't feel like the right time either and then I thought, maybe after half term, but then it's going to be a very miserable winter tor them with little to distract them with (other than Christmas I guess).

Next year our eldest child begins high school which makes it feel even more like the wrong time to be uprooting our family unit.

People may think I'm overthinking all of this but I would like to initiate my separation in line with what would work better for our family in relation to the seasons and our lives in general. I realise now that summer was never going to happen. I always have far too much going on.

There is never a "good" time to leave; you're going to have to make a firm start on the whole process of divorcing him at some point and sooner rather than later. The longer you remain with him the harder it will feel to actually make the split happen.

Don't keep hanging on like you have done particularly for reasons like summer holidays and the kids birthdays; it has really done you and the kids here no favours in doing so. They know that relations between you and dad are not good at all and perhaps worse even blame their own selves for their parents marital problems.

I get what you mean but kind of did the opposite. It had been dragging on for a few horrible years. Decided at the end of November. We stayed under the same roof until the end of January. I didn't want the young DC associating our separation with Christmas. Cried a lot and it felt by Spring when we also moved out that some better days were on the horizon. I wish you well OP x

I agree thay although there is no good time to separate @AttilaTheMeerkat there are better times.

I have to balance the impact on my mental health with also going ahead with thr separation because if I'm not balanced enough to care for the DC post separation that could be even more destabilising for them. No, this situation isn't perfect at all and will be impacting them but a very messy separation could be worse... from experience in my own childhood.

@totallyoutnumbered how did you separate whilst still under the same roof? We are in separate rooms and don't have an intimate relationship but get along as friends. Because we "get along" DH doesn't really see that we're separated ad is content living as housemates frustratingly.

There will never be a right time…

left my kids Dad day after Boxing Day. He ruined Xmas and it was the straw that broke the camels back. I was so unhappy and knew that would be the rest of my life if I didn’t make changes!

Why not plan for just after Xmas? Then as things change you have the turning of the season to support you feeling better in a month or two.

Xmas Day

Halloween.

He moved out on 2nd Nov. We made a huge effort to be amicable and spent Christmas day together for the children. It was all sorted and he'd moved most of his stuff out by mid Feb.

I don't think the time of year makes any difference really.

He was acting like an arse before Christmas (and before I knew about OW) I wanted to split up then but he begged me 'not to upset his parents at Christmas'. DDay didn't come until January, then I gave him a month to get out. He left some time in February.

From what I have read, just after Christmas is a popular time to split !

Split between Christmas and New year here. It ruined Christmas anyway as I looked back and saw how disengaged he was that Christmas anyway, he might as well have left before. There is no right time and I don't hold store by the protection of birthdays etc . Memory doesn't work like that, and it's good to not assume someone's birthday is this magical thing

Tricky. Interestingly once we'd decided to separate it was like someone had take off the lid on a pressure cooker. We started to communicate much more effectively and there were times we looked at eachother and wondered if we were doing the right thing. We couldn't do separate rooms as we didn't have one. I don't want to derail but he was an out and out narcissist so I'd been in an emotionally abusive relationship for years. I adored him and he was cruel and pretty awful husband for the most part. I only realised all of this for sure upon leaving. Kids pick up on so much but I'd sheltered them from so much too. I'm still doing that daily now whilst equipping them to understand why their dad does what he does

Sorry if I didn't answer your question OP. He might not see the issue but you do. Do you have plenty of support around you?. Once I let a couple of friends know the extent of stuff they literally held me together for a little while (along with some citalopram). I started to create new routines with trying to get some fresh air and exercise every day. Little things like making my bedroom feel like my own with new bedding etc. All little changes that made a big difference

Spring but stayed living in the same house for a few months, we get along fine

The "separation" started end of October, we lived under the same roof, sleeping in separate rooms, until he was able to move out in April. Looking back, I'm glad I didn't delay any longer.

What steps can you take now? Have you had discussions about housing yet?

Mine refused to leave and it took the police to get involved. I first tried in February, eventually went to womens aid in August, I was going for an occupation order which would have been January ish. He escalated and they heavily suggested he leave end of October. He left me with no money, debt and struggling but it was still a wonderful Christmas. Friends rallied round and the kids had a blast. My eldest at 5 said it was lovely and quiet at last. Just do it. So damn freeing

Another one for Xmas day. He ruined 13 out of 14 of my kids Xmas. I remember standing in a field promising myself he wouldn't ruin a 15th! And he bloody won't!

14th even

@totallyoutnumbered I think I've been doing those things- exercising, yoga, reading to cope with us living separate lives for around 2 years. I think the trouble is that they have become sticking plasters and I've got used to this separate lives routine. It was supposed to help me cope in the short term, but I worry that I've perhaps become stuck in a bit of a rut and it's become my normal.

I have no family close by and only a few friends- they have known for years that I've wanted to leave him, so it's just become a normal thing for me to discuss now. It's just gone on far too long.

That's great though that you've already got healthy habits and a good routine. It takes effort to get started. Your friends will want to step up and support you. Talking about separation is one thing but doing it is another x

Thank you @totallyoutnumbered I hadn't thought of it that way. I just need to take the leap now. He's away over half term on a men's holiday so I'll be parenting alone- I'm hoping it will help me realise that life is better without him.

I can only speak for my own situation but everything was so much easier post separation. I
Didn't have to think about anyone but me and the children. We could eat what and when we wanted. Leave pots unwashed. Bedtime routines became easier and more enjoyable. I washed a lot less clothes and my ironing pile virtually disappeared. These are all trivial things in the grand scheme of what was going on but it did make like easier for sure. I planned when my ex had the kids to see different friends for either a takeaway or a just a cup of tea. Reaching out is the first step. I could list a million positives I found once leaving. I missed him terribly at times (that's what an abusive shit can do to you) but I haven't looked back x

I planned a break for the school holidays(summer). It’s now more trial separation. If your little one is struggling I would maybe hang out to Xmas then sow the seed. Daddy is staying at x house? Then go from there. New year new life?? I took really small steps for my sanity and I have a child with asd who needed to get their head round it slowly too.

I think the New Year is generally a popular time to split.

Thank you. It's good to hear that there is a more preferred time of year. I think we often emulate the seasons/times of year in our daily lives.

I don't think that now would be good at all for youngest DC. Do you think that 9 months of getting used to things would be ok for my eldest before she begins high school? How long did the initial separation affect your kids for? My hope is that we would remain in the family home for a year prior to it then being sold and equity split between us before we buy two smaller homes each.