16 year marriage crumbling

[Foreverhopeful1]

Hi ive been with my husband for 16 years married for 9. We have three children all on the Autism spectrum.

i spoke to H last year and told him I felt alone and unloved. We have no intimacy at all maybe sex twice a year. I’ve asked him to go out with me but he won’t . He won’t spend money or go for a night on the town even a meal.
we stayed together last year and I was told things will change .

it’s still the same but worse now . He does nothing with the children at all , he never cooks (never ever has) he doesn’t drive them anywhere or take them out . Everything is down to me.

He never leaves the house at all and is constantly calling council or local MP to complain about things in our local area.

thd only things he goes are the gardening and painting/decorating.

he left work last year to help me with the kids as he is now a career for our children along with myself . He literally never helps me at all.
I get up with our toddler all the time yet my H can stay up till 3/4 watching tv he then stays in bed till midday most days.

the thing that has really upset is it’s my 40th birthday at the weekend and he hasn’t got me anything. No preset no card and hasn’t arranged anything.
I do so much for everyone in this house and I feel so unappreciated.

I said why don’t we book a hotel and have a night away but he is complaining there’s no point for a night and he doesn’t want to stay out all night and doesn’t think we should be leaving the kids..

there is a 15 year age gap between up he is older and I feel about 80 myself . I want excitement and some fire in my relationship still . I want to get dressed put make up on and go out . Instead of mum bun and sweats all day.

I really want to tell him I want to separate but he won’t take ot well . He is blind to everything or ignoring it. He has a sharp temper and likes to shout and he always turned things around to my fault .

I just don’t know how to start the conversation???

OMG, he sounds lazy and awful, your marriage sounds awful and he's telling you loud and clear it's never going to change.

You deserve a shite sight better.

I would use the artificial landmark of turning 40 to think about what you want for the next 40 years.

And please treat yourself to something nice for your birthday! Do you have any friends or family you could take out for a meal at the weekend? Leave the useless sod with the kids for one evening, let him see what his life would look like if you split up and he had to share care.

@FetchezLaVache my mom and the kids want to take me out for a meal.
I just wanted one night away from the kids as horrible as that sounds .

I’ve no friends now I’ve drifted away from everyone over the years mainly because he would never watch the kids.

the kids spent there £20 pocket money on a present for me .

I was really down and quiet last night and he snapped at me and said what’s your problem u never talk to me . Your just quiet .
I told him I’m so disappointed I’m not doing anything for my birthday. He is asked away and ignored me .

First of all, don't have a conversation, because honestly, there's nothing to talk about. As for him having a tantrum, who cares? He doesn't have to like it or agree.

Every minute you stay is just another minute wasted. This marriage is already over, make it official.

@Aquamarine1029
your right .

it’s the house and kids . He would have to stay here until we could sort living arrangements out. I will not move the kids out of there home .

we have no savings or spare money so it could take a while. I know he would make it hard at home when the kids are here and they can’t cope with noise or bad atmosphere.

I really wish I’d done this years ago . I found pictures he’d been sending other women. Dick pics when we had only just had our daughter 14 year ago I did nothing and carried on. He knows I saw them because I shouted at him and told him if I found anymore he could go.

im far to soft

He’s a carer for your kids but doesn’t actually care for them?

He also knows you are far too soft and he has certainly used that against you as well.

You have a choice re this man; the children do not. Make better choices for yourself and these children going forward . Do not remain in such a dead marriage with your abusive husband; see a Solicitor and get knowledge about divorce because knowledge is power. Don't wait another god knows how many years either for you to finally decide that you want to end your marriage.

@Backtonormalnow

exactly , I asked him to make our daughter scrambled eggs the other day as I was busy with our toddler . And he said No ! Why did you ask me I don’t know how to do that . Why can’t you do it.

omg just get rid of him, I would find a man that gets up at midday repulsive. You do everything anyway. Get him to move out and take the kids a couple of nights a week then get out a make a little bit of a life for yourself.

@DarceyG

Thats all I want . A bit of a life .
Ive lost nearly three stone and I want to go out and wear nice clothes . Like I used to .

I want to dance and laugh. And his forbid have a bit of a sex life or to feel desired.

*God Forbid