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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Closure on a crush

30 replies

FallenFigs · 21/09/2022 20:57

Just need a bit of support/straight talking as I move on from a crush that’s been part of my life for a good few years.

Usual story - work colleagues etc etc. I’m leaving the job now and so unlikely to see him again, if ever.

I just feel really sad about it, and quite a sense of loss. I know the shitty feelings won’t last, but when you’re on the ‘before’ side it’s hard to feel positive about ‘after’.

I can rationalise it that it’s about dopamine and this that and the other, but ultimately I’m going to miss him. It was/is mutual but we’re both married so it’s right to be moving on.

And it’s all so silly. I have so many lovely friends, I really shouldn’t feel that he‘ll leave a gap. But I do feel like that.

Anything, at all, I can do to speed up the process of getting over this?

OP posts:

MyDogLucy · 21/09/2022 20:59

Honestly the best way to get over it will be having no more contact, and it sounds like that's what you're doing. I think once you've moved job, you'll be surprised how quickly the feelings fade.

Choconut · 21/09/2022 21:01

How do you know it's mutual? Sound like lines have already been crossed and so best that you move on and have nothing more to do with him. Put your time and effort into the relationship you have already.

JooliaJane · 21/09/2022 21:02

Clear numbers and name from phone and emails.

Original poster

FallenFigs · 21/09/2022 21:08

@MyDogLucy quickly is good. It’s filling that gap I worry about, but if it fills itself them so much the better.

@Choconut I’m long enough in the tooth to be able to tell if an attraction is mutual.

OP posts:

User19876 · 21/09/2022 21:26

I find a new crush is a great way to get over an old one 😉

Original poster

FallenFigs · 21/09/2022 21:49

@User19876 i really can’t get into this situation again. It has not been fun at all.

OP posts:

ILoveMonday · 21/09/2022 21:54

I think you need to question why you fell so hard for him? It's normal to find people attractive if you're in a relationship but not normal to develop deep feelings. What hole did he fill? Have you thought about talking to someone about it?

Selfesteem22 · 21/09/2022 22:27

I had a huge crush on someone at work, nothing happened but was surprisingly intense- didn't see him for about 18 months- when I saw him feelings had completely gone, helped by a rather nasty beard he had grown

PineOrange · 22/09/2022 01:41

Sounds more like an emotional affair rather than a crush,

It was/is mutual but we’re both married so it’s right to be moving on

I think you may be minimising, to make it sound more innocent.

Original poster

FallenFigs · 22/09/2022 07:01

@PineOrange I wouldn’t define it as an emotional affair, or at least I’d not think so. I don’t think I’m intentionally minimising. I’m fairly sure he was attracted to me, but don’t know for certain, as I’m we haven’t spoken about it, so I could be projecting.

the point is, I know it’s become unhealthy from my side, and that it’s right to be moving on. The crux of my question is how I deal with the feelings of loss.

OP posts:

Tempname0987 · 22/09/2022 07:15

Have name changed for this as DH has full access to my phone.

I had a similar situation. 4 year crush. I left that job. I was absolutely dreading never seeing him again. The first month was horrible, I was horrible to DH. Then the feelings faded pretty quickly. I'd say 3 months. He's been in touch a few times and I'm at the "fond" stage now, not the life destroying stage.

Hopefully you'll get over it as quickly and look back and think "phew" what madness.

Original poster

FallenFigs · 22/09/2022 08:27

@Tempname0987 thats helpful, thank you. If I’m out the other side by new year, that counts as a win, right?

Ugh. Why do we do this to ourselves?! Although I mean this rhetorically, @ILoveMonday i will give some thought to why I feel so strongly.

OP posts:

Jojoanna · 22/09/2022 09:10

I had a crush on a workmate about 30 years ago, he left and married someone famous ,, then they got divorced. Anyhoo I thought about him for donkeys years . Absolutely just a crush nothing happened but a mutual attraction. Never had a crush like it but then I was young

Watchkeys · 22/09/2022 09:29

ILoveMonday · 21/09/2022 21:54

I agree with this. Turn this experience into something about you. He's helped you, in giving you a way to define your needs. He's offered what he can to your life. It's about you, now. Learn about you.

Beinggood2 · 22/09/2022 09:39

@FallenFigs

Going through something similar but known this person for 7 yrs. Something did happen with us then but he lied to me walked away. Didn't even fan

Original poster

FallenFigs · 22/09/2022 09:53

@Watchkeys I like that. Thank you.

I need things like this to get out of that headspace that he is unique, special. What if there no-one else like him comes along blah blah.

OP posts:

Beinggood2 · 22/09/2022 09:54

@FallenFigs

Sorry my stupid phone playing up.

I didn't fancy him really.

Then we reconnected on first Covid lockdown felt I needed to get to know him He was always there in the background but it was me ignoring him.

Now I got too close to him and have feelings we communicated on a social site but he has changed and maybe he decided to just let me go. He still messages to see if I am okay. But it's different and feel now it's fizzled out whatever it was between us. He said we are friends when I had the what are we talk.

Now I am lost but I know I was maybe using him like he was going to rescue me. I depended too much on him and we both have partners.

It's horrible but I concluded just not contacting or even answering his messages. As I need to get my head straight and I need to let go of my past with that moment we had.
Even that he sees me as a friend but I can't be friends with him because of how I feel towards him. It's killing me and last night I was crying wondering how I got here. Well I know why my current relationship hasn't been good. This not a movie where he going to save me. Think I feel like I am nothing to him now.
I feel hurt when he didn't hurt me I hurt myself. Maybe he drew me in and dropped me once he knew I was getting closer to him. No contact for me I can't do this no more.

I know it difficult I think no contact and just move on.
It's hard as I am struggling but it's not healthy whatever your feeling. Crush or emotional affair.
If it's making you think of him more than your DP.

Beinggood2 · 22/09/2022 10:01

@FallenFigs

When we first reconnected he use to come to say hi at my work. We met a few times and talked.
I don't think anyone been like that towards me.
But him backing off I don't blame him now.

You been given some great advice just wanted to share my experience.

Watchkeys · 22/09/2022 12:05

FallenFigs · 22/09/2022 09:53

@Watchkeys I like that. Thank you.

I need things like this to get out of that headspace that he is unique, special. What if there no-one else like him comes along blah blah.

If everybody was just like him, you'd never have a relationship, because he's not available!

colouringindoors · 22/09/2022 12:11

Sympathies OP.

What helped when I was trying to get over the end of a relationship was to make The List.

Every negative thing about that person you can think of. From things they said, did, didn't do, to how they eat, anything really, doesn't matter if it seems a bit petty. But it helps to break the ideal of them you've probably built up in your head. Every time you miss him/have a soppy memory, read The List. Every time he pops into your head say (internally) oh f%ck off [John].

It takes a bit of time, but it works. Then you can look at the issues other PP have raised.

Tempname0987 · 22/09/2022 14:16

FallenFigs · 22/09/2022 08:27

@Tempname0987 thats helpful, thank you. If I’m out the other side by new year, that counts as a win, right?

Ugh. Why do we do this to ourselves?! Although I mean this rhetorically, @ILoveMonday i will give some thought to why I feel so strongly.

Yes, I'd say a new start to 2023 sounds like it would time well. I was utterly miserable for a while though, just consoled myself with the fact that if anything did happen it would either end horribly or in 2 years time he'd be just as boring as everyone else. And it wasn't easy as I obviously couldn't talk to DH about it like I would about everything else that troubles me (I am happily married with 2 young children by the way!)

Not quite the same situation but this might help you get over it: www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2022/sep/18/ask-philippa-perry-i-love-my-wife-but-i-am-sure-i-am-about-to-start-an-affair

Thinking about him now does still give me the fanny gallops (proper mumsnet term there!) but not seeing him 4 times a week has changed everything.

Tempname0987 · 22/09/2022 14:18

FallenFigs · 22/09/2022 09:53

@Watchkeys I like that. Thank you.

I need things like this to get out of that headspace that he is unique, special. What if there no-one else like him comes along blah blah.

I've just read this. You really shouldn't be worrying about what if no-one else comes along like this when you're married.

Watchkeys · 22/09/2022 14:31

@FallenFigs You're married?! Jeez, I'd missed that.

Why do you want someone else to come along?!

Blueeyes83 · 22/09/2022 18:57

I’m in a similar situation. We both have partners but I’ve been feeling for a while now (before I met him) that something is missing. I met him on my first day at work and instantly felt a connection. We both feel the same but the reality of leaving our partners has hit. I’m at a total cross roads!

Bionicnose · 31/08/2024 00:37

You just have to mourn it and every day it will hurt a bit less. Write about it, think what need he did fill. As in the Jungian animus. The animus is our own potential plus the imprint of the men we knew and our predeccesors knew? in our psyche. I am in same situ, except ours wasn't big on his part. I think he ego boosted himself with me. I thought he was married but he lives with a work colleague, and he was or still is married. I am a work colleague too, but new and below their ranks. I built an image of him in myself that I oh so loved. On my part it is something to do with my father. Not a lot of attention and personal appreciation received.

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