Anyone break up their family when the love is gone?

[Docugirl]

Hello, am posting to see if anyone else is in a similar situation and has any words of wisdom. Together 22 years and married for 10 with 3 DC. I have been unhappy for years and know that I do not have any romantic feelings towards my DH anymore. I have tried for years to pretend and ignore my feelings for the sake of the family, but we have the same argument every month when he unleashes all his frustration and anger and demands that I show him more love and appreciation. He is lonely and unloved and deeply unhappy. I feel terrible that I’m the cause of this. Usually I apologise and try to be affectionate but it never lasts (because it’s not genuine) and we end up in the same place a month later.

For about the last 12 months I have told him during these arguments that I don’t think I have the love for him that he needs, I’ve said I love him but I’m not in love with him, I’ve said I’m not sure I’ll be able to love him the way he wants… During our last monthly argument about the same thing, I thought he was ready to hear me say that we should consider separating as I can’t change my feelings and I want him to be happy and maybe in time he could find that love with someone else. That’s a summarised version of what I said.

He wasn’t ready to hear it and is shocked and devastated and close to having a breakdown. Now he is hurt and lashing out and has decided that I am to leave the house (and my children) Monday to Friday and come back at weekends. He tells me this very forcefully and without any discussion. He feels he can speak to me like this because ‘he hasn’t done anything wrong’ that I am changing the terms of the marriage so I can leave. He can work from home full time so as far as he is concerned, that is the best plan and the least disruptive to the children. I have just started a job which will allow me to wfh some days but it’s taking longer than I thought to get this set up and I’m getting more and more worried that it will be dragged out and take months as opposed to weeks, which will put me in a really difficult position.

The long term plan is to rent somewhere nearby and we both come and go to the family home. I have always known he would never leave the house (he has told me, so he has thought about it) so this is really the only option. Temporarily we have agreed to try to split the week and weekends but he is already being pushy about when I’m at home or not. We only told our older kids at the weekend so it’s all very new but I know he’s just trying to push me out and take control.

It feels so self indulgent to be ending the marriage because of my feelings but we are stuck in this awful cycle of misery. I don’t have a plan or solution. I thought this would be the first step to improving things, very slowly.

I feel like I have no rights and am in a very weak position in terms of access to the children and the house. I am about to try to set up mediation which he will do. I refused marriage counselling at first, as his idea was that I would be proven wrong and he would be applauded for being such a great person and a 3rd party professional would be able to spot this. I have since said I will but to help us communicate not to reconcile.

Has anyone else been in this situation? Specifically ending it for the same reason as me. I’m not in the UK so looking for people’s stories as opposed to any legalities. I have spoken to a solicitor, they recommend mediation to start. I'm so sad and drained and feel terrible for my kids. Sorry it's so long...

I've never been in this situation but if the love is gone, of course you should split up.

I don't like this whole narrative of "breaking up" the family. You're not breaking up the family, you're actually doing what's best for the family.

You're both miserable. Life is way too short to be miserable, but also way too long to be miserable as well. I'm sure your children will sense that you both aren't happy. 2 happy homes are better than one miserable one. Teach your kids that if they are ever in this situation, they can walk away.

Oh thanks for replying. It's a relief to hear someone else say what I've been thinking. That the kids see us arguing... It's not a happy home like this. I'm terrified that I'm making it worse though.

Totally understand how you feel as we are in same situation. Been unhappy for years, get on well but intimacy has gone and we cant seem to restart it. Feel devastated for teen DC and so breaking up feels like im putting myself before them. We are going round in circles. What is situation now have you talked more?

Sorry to hear you're in the same boat. Just torture isn't it? We are still at odds tbh. He just cannot or will not accept it's a legitimate reason (he says he still loves me and wants to try) but I know I don't love him and cannot change that. I would continue living together as friends for now but he can't accept that. I am staying out of the house 2 nights a week and hate it as I miss the kids so much.

We are trying to be civil so that's one positive.

It is really difficult but not much else you can do if you’ve fallen out of love with someone. It’s better for everyone longterm to split and move on. Are your DCs primary school age or older? Do they think you are just away with work when you are away for two nights? It’s so hard I do feel for you. But I guess you have to look forward… I know many people who have separated and are much happier for it!

Yes, this happened with me... Also tried to ignore it for years and did counselling. Sadly I had changed so much since we met and knew we were no longer right for each other (if we ever had been...). I won't lie to you. The whole separated family situation is very very hard. I wasn't fully prepared for how hard and lonely I would feel. That said, the torture of being in a miserable relationship is also horrible... so you pick your hard as it were.

Bedazzled, kids are primary age and we've told the older two. They were very upset on the night of course but haven't mentioned it since!

So they know why I'm away some nights. It's been a horrific few weeks and I am starting to question whether what's ahead may actually be worse. I've also realised I will be leading a transient life too for the foreseeable future and that's very depressing.

Newsinglemum, you have described exactly what I'm trying to come to terms with, it's the separated family. I wasn't prepared for spending time away from my kids at all. It's completely floored me.

I hope things are going well for you and your family. Thank you for replying.

I left my partner because I was no longer in love with him and hadn't been for along time. He also had issues which made me fall out of love with him but in general he was a decent person. I just didn't fancy him anymore, we bickered constantly, I was miserable , so was he but he would never have had the courage to end it. He just would have stuck it out.
We were like housemates who didn't even like eachnother. We also have a 5 year-old son.
I felt guilty but I knew I was done, he said about going to counselling but I had no interest in trying to salvage anything.
I knew I wanted out for a couple of years before I actually said it to him.
It was not easy as I had to tell him I didn't love him anymore and that I was unhappy and that was very hard as I didnt want to hurt him.
Its a few years on now and I don't regret it, I am a million times happier and feel so free, I have met someone and have fallen in love again and it has made me realise what being in love is supposed to feel like.
My son spends time with me and also stays at his dad's.
Not being in love and being in a miserable dead end relationship is definitely enough to leave and it's so much better and brighter on the other side. Wishing you all the best OP

Rainbowsunshine, thank you so much for sharing your story. I fully relate to so much of what you said. I really struggled telling him, I felt so cruel. I honestly thought he would be relieved. I really want to see him happy again and I know that will never happen with me.

So glad you are happy and things have worked out. Also relieved you say have no regrets!

Could your DC think you are leaving them, particularly if it's only you that leaves the house and your DH is always there?

I wonder if you'd be better staying in the house until you have sorted a place to go that is big enough to have your DCs stay with you.

It seems your DH is punishing you for wanting to end things and making you feel guilty. You don't need to, the relationship is over and you should both focus on the DC and helping them through this transition.

@Docugirl when I first told him that I was unhappy and wanted to separate , he didn't fully believe me and just thought it was another argument. So I had to say it all again a few days later but this time I had to tell him I didn't love him that way anymore etc, as that was the only way he would believe that it was real.
I felt total elation and like I had been set free for the first month. Then I went through the guilt stage but I am out of that now and love living on my own. I will never live with another man again but I do enjoy dating.
If you have been feeling this way about your husband , you prob know deep down its over and you have checked out, so in that case you definitely will not regret leaving.
I feel like since I left, I am seeing more people who were like me but are still trapped and want out of their marriages. I want to tell them all to do it, that it will be the best thing they could do for themselves.
I'm 41 and never thought I would ever have butterflies again and all those lovely feelings you get when you are falling for someone. Also I have to say the sex is amazing with my new boyfriend and I never thought that was possible as I literally had no sex drive with my ex partner but now I realise it's because I wasn't in love with him or attracted to him anymore.

Nopeforme, he will also be spending part of the week out of the house. There will always be one of us there. We just started this and it's very new. I am hoping once a routine is established it will be a little easier. Long term, I just don't know. I will have very limited accommodation choice, financially and with low supply.

Basically if I am in the house full time, he won't be and will be temporarily living a few hours away until we find something closer that we can both come and go from. That would make it very, very difficult to do my job as it currently involves a busy commute and I leave very early in the morning. Am hoping to work from home at least 2 days a week but not for another while.

You are right he is punishing me. It's very difficult.

You aren’t really ending the marriage because you aren’t in love. Plenty of successful marriages are based on things other than romantic love or passion. You are ending the marriage because you are fighting frequently and the household atmosphere is unhappy. That is an incredibly common refrain. You don’t need to feel like you are special or that you are solely responsible for the end of your marriage. Your affection ended for a reason and those reasons are only occasionally external to the relationship.

@Newsinglemum58

@Rainbowshine12 again so much I can relate to in your post. I have to tell him repeatedly and hate saying it to him. He almost doesn't believe me either. That's so great that you are happy and are out the other side.

I ended my 13 year relationship (one DD) about 2 months ago. I didn’t love him for the last 3 years I think but covid and trying to keep it going for the sake of it drove me to distraction.

I didn’t fancy him, didn’t like him, didn’t hate him just felt nothing towards him.

Ended it and I felt instantly 100x better! he was devastated and moved out - he tried to get round me for about 2 weeks but now things are moving on - he only contacts me about DD now.

its not all roses though - shortly after we separated had some sad news about a family member as as @Newsinglemum58 said the loneliness of being the only adult with the full responsibility of a house, job and child etc came crashing down when all I wanted to do cry in someone’s arms - but I am confident these experiences will make me stronger and you too!

we all deserve to be happy

@Ponderingwindow Thanks, you've framed it differently for me. I have gone over and over this in my head. It's difficult to see it differently because I'm being told every day that this is all my fault. Its not what he wants and I am destroying our family. Almost impossible not to let some of it get into my head

@Narwhalelife thank you for posting, it's good to read your experience. I know my H will never walk away from our house. He expects me to leave... I see what you mean about the loneliness, although I deal with that stuff alone as H is not supportive emotionally at all. He might offer a hug, but that's it. He would never mention family members who died or discuss anything like that. One of the reasons I fell out of love with him.