I have a problem. He's too kind!

[Natalialikes]

Just that. My husband is too kind.

This morning he came across an injured animal and stayed with it until someone came to dispatch it making him late for work and turn up soaking wet. That's typical of him. That's not the problem. Thats just got me thinking about it more today.

I've always loved and disliked his kindness at the same time. Disliked because people take advantage of him. He's always doing work for people for free. It melts me to see him help an elderly neighbour but infuriates me when someone gets him doing work they are perfectly capable of. Broken lawnmower, he's your man. Airport run, just ask etc. Maybe he's just a better person than me, I don't know.

Anyway, I suppose I'm asking how can I stop people taking advantage of him but him still stay lovely 🙈

The world needs kind people like your husband!

This is a tough one because people like your husband are rare these days but my friends fiancé has the same sort of problem more so with family taking advantage.

In my relationship if my partner thinks someone is taking the piss he will let me know and to be honest he has taught me a lot to stick up for myself and that it is okay to say no sometimes. And saying no sometimes actually made me a lot happier.

I guess all you can do is encourage your husbands lovely kindness but have his back when you think he is being taken advantage of and let him know that it's totally ok to turn down a favour now and then

I'm asking how can I stop people taking advantage of him

Why? Is it bothering him?

I wonder about this sometimes; if he's being so "kind" to others, does that impact on your time with him and his time with the kids if he has any? Because that isn't kind.

I suppose it’s an extreme form of people pleasing. Does he show you that level of kindness? Would he be late for work to stay with you if you were distressed? Do you have enough time together to have a strong relationship or is he always dashing out the door to ‘save’ someone?
What part of it bothers you?

I think it's only a problem if he isn't kind to his immediate family too. I know of someone who will bend over arse backwards for a stranger but any requests from their immediate family are met with eye rolling

The world needs more men like this. My husband is unbelievably kind, it gladdens my heart. When at times it seems it’s everyone for themselves, these ‘givers’ should be cherished.

This morning he came across an injured animal and stayed with it until someone came to dispatch it making him late for work and turn up soaking wet

I think I love your husband. If only more people were like him.

@AbsentinSpring oh yeah, sat there for nearly 2 hours. It was a deer that had been run over but still alive. He sat with its head on his lap in soaking wet grass. I've known him search the garden for worms every day to feed a baby bird that's fell out the nest. Its the sweetest thing to see this big workman nursing a tiny animal. His empathy is beautiful and is showing our kids wonderful things. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I just wish people wouldn't take advantage of him.

@bowchicawowwow no he's a sweetheart. I know what you mean though. His dad is like that. Treats his family awful but would do anything for a stranger

OP I know someone like this and completely get your

It melts me to see him help an elderly neighbour but infuriates me when someone gets him doing work they are perfectly capable of. Broken lawnmower, he's your man. Airport run, just ask etc.

@Flowersintheattic57 people pleasing is a problem. He has ADHD and the people pleasing is part of his condition but no, he would do anything for us too. The main problem weve had over the years is his generosity. If someone he knows asks to borrow money hes given it them without hesitation even though we are not that well off. I'm talking significant sums. Because of the ADHD money has little value to him. He lent someone £500 and we never saw that again and he brought his friend some tools that had them stolen to help him get back going. That was nearly 2k and it was well over a year before he got that back and the person, despite my husband doing that for him, didn't want to pay it back. In the time we were waiting he'd gone on holiday etc even though we needed it back. It's things like that that annoy me. People just taking the piss out of him.

I’m sorry you’re going through this and it must be very difficult if he lacks capacity as you describe and that people seeing that are taking advantage.

can you ask him to possibly run things past you or another adult before he makes decisions?

A request for help is one of the most amazing distractions if you are already finding maintaining attention difficult. It has a purpose, a defined role, a defined finish and easy completion.

It's an example of what people need from their daily life to thrive with ADHD. So you're fighting something that works perfectly for his brain.

Can't really think of much to encourage him to run things past you first as he's a grown up, but maybe just knowing that helps?

It's not kind when he's spending money you can't afford though.

You need to try and help him get strategies in place when things like that affect you too.

The kindness is lovely but wondered if he perhaps has difficulty saying no to people, hence lending large sums of money. I had an ex like this who would say ‘my partner isn’t happy about lending money’. Total cop out but I was happy to take the blame. He needs to learn how to say no if it impacts on your family. Ex would also be late coming home or for events as he would be busy fixing for friends or overcommitting himself and letting people down. I almost lost a very close friend over it as he assured her he would help her but didn’t have time. She was devastated at being let down as he had offered and she could have paid someone else to do the work. This all caused a lot of arguments. For me, loaning or giving away money we don’t have (aside from someone close who was in a desperate situation) would now be a deal breaker for me.

It’s not kind to give free money away or allow yourself to be treated like a chump. I’d have lost a lot of respect for him for doing that.

He might be co-dependent, does he love being needed? Does he get something from all these good deeds? He might enjoy being the white Knight?

People pleasing is very common in people with ADHD who were treated badly as kids because of it. It's like trying to compensate for being "bad" or "wrong". If people like you, it means you're a good person.