XH finding reasons to come round

[uncertainalice]

Am divorcing my XH (abusive) but he keeps finding reasons to come round, mostly explained as stuff the DC want him to do...

I really don't want him here, but if I say no he then tells the DC that I've said that, which puts them right in the middle (he is v manipulative) and they struggle with it, they're young primary. I've suggested he takes them out instead of coming here, but he always says he can't afford it.

At the moment I need to appear to be helpful, but any suggestions on how to deal with this gratefully received, as I am struggling.

He can take them to the park, it’s free

Where’s he staying? He can take them there or to the park as pp said. No need for him to be in your house

OP,

He is continue to abuse you and your children.

Do not allow him into your home.

Let him say what he wants to the children, you just tell him it is not happening.

Please call Womens aid for advice and ask should you contact the police for support too.

He is coming to your home and intimidating you to get in, in front of your children.

You are allowing him in to protect your children.

Tell the police you are scared of him.

You can do this.

Bottom line is you do not want him in your home.

Stay strong.

‘Yes, I did tell your father he is not to come in to my house. He can take you to his house, or X/Y/Z, it’s fine.’
’no thanks!’ Don’t allow him in to your house, there’s no reason for him to expect he can access your property, so dismiss his assumption as it being ridiculous. (Is it his house? Coz then he can enter.)

I understand how difficult this is. I assume just telling him to not come to the house is out of the question.

Make sure he at least tells you when he is coming and for how long. Yes to going to the park a PP suggested. Can you put a list of other free/ cheap things he can do with them.

can you save up any chores/errands for when he is visiting to take advantage of the fact someone else is supervising the children. Or take yourself off to your room with a cuppa for well earned privacy.

Another thought is to preempt the situation by surreptitiously seeding ideas direct with the children of things to do with their dad that suit you.

Explain to the kids that as you and daddy aren't together any more this isn't his house. He has flat etc that is his now. So when it's daddy time you go there or do something fun with him somewhere else.

Then tell him to sort himself out, don't let him over the front door. Get the kids ready early or make him wait outside til you can post them out of the tiny gap at him. When he returns them, have your foot ready and tell the kids to give him a hug and come in.

thanks everyone, some really helpful ideas...he does it so subtly, so apparently reasonably, that it would be very easy for the DC to see me as the bad guy, because obviously I've not been able to tell them exactly why I made him leave, and he has made it VERY clear to them that I made him move out, it wasn't what he wanted and so on...

i'm constantly astonished to discover that he is even more unpleasant and manipulative than I thought; after us having been together for many years I thought I had the measure of him, but no, he can always stoop lower than I thought whilst somehow still appearing to be the good guy/victim/poor daddy. He really is a nasty piece of work and I am thankful that I eventually realised and got us - me and the DC - away from him before he could do them any more emotional damage.

how much have you told your DCs about what has happened?

if he's happy to put them in the middle, perhaps you need to be a little more honest with them (age appropriately) about things.

allow them to come to their own conclusions as they get older and understand more.

alongside this, to start with does it make sense to go out by yourself whenever he comes to collect them or see them?

go out the door with them, lock it behind you, and go to the gym, see a friend, get a coffee, do some shopping, whatever!
give them all a cheery "right, i'll see you in 2 hours!", and off you pop!

Very reasonable to say to the children.......

" Adult relationships can be hard to understand for children and that is OK
But Mummy does not want Daddy in our house and will not be allowing him to come in when he comes to visit you. That's ok if it makes you feel upset or sad for Daddy, but Mummy needs to do what she thinks is best".

Also you can confirm that "yes you didn't want to live with Daddy anymore as he wasn't kind to you so you have decided that it was for the best"

Simply calm language.

No details, just confirmation that you don't want to live with him nor have him in the house.

It is ok to say, this is MY house and I decide who comes in.

Take his power away by explaining to the children when he isn't around what is going on.

If he kicks off, tell him "Yes, I have explained to the children that I didn't want to live with you anymore and I don't want you in this house".

If he makes a scene, call the police.

Stop allowing him abuse and control you.

You can do this.

I've always been age appropriate honest with my DD. I asked Daddy to leave because I don't want to live with him anymore. I love you (DD) as does Daddy but we weren't making each other happy and I want to live on my own with just you now (DD). I know you are sad now but you can see Daddy lots and it will eventually be normal and not sad anymore (which is true!!)

Then Ex-H you can no longer come into the house, please expect to collect and drop kids at the doorstep (totally normal by the way!) Let me know when you want your contact times to be (and make sure it is a predictable routine for you and the kids) and I'll make sure they are ready for you to pick up.

When kid A comes and cries that Daddy said that he can't come in to build Lego because mummy doesn't want him there you say "yes, this is our home now and Daddy doesn't live hear anymore. Next time you visit Daddy why don't you take the Lego with you and play it at Daddies".

The kids need to see you set, own and defend a boundary.... if he is their Dad they'll need to do the same eventually!

he can always stoop lower than I thought whilst somehow still appearing to be the good guy/victim/poor daddy

Well done for extricating yourself and DC from living with this, OP. He's making things difficult now. But you're staying strong because you and DC will be so much happier when you have got through this temporary trouble.

thanks again everyone, I managed to outsmart his games this morning and from now on I'm going to have DC ready to go out the minute he gets here...I've probably been trying too hard to be "nice" and not upset anyone...but will now be stopping that!

Take the time to have an age appropriate conversation with your children.

Repeat it several times to them so they understand your simple position that this is your home and Daddy needs to see them elsewhere.

He can only control you if you allow him to.

Well done for out smarting him.

Please contact the police if he pushes into your home.

Let him see you are not afraid to call the police.

Your dc need to see you in control of your own life. Being bullied isn't a good look!
Ime have them ready 10 mins early... Sit at the window with a cuppa if necessary - one glimpse of that car and get them out. Lock the door when you come back in.. Switch phone off.

Great advice from @billy1966 above. Good luck OP, well done for recognising his tactics and out smarting him!

She appropriate truth is very very important for DC development.

It's ok to say "Daddy kept being unkind to Mummy and we couldn't sort it".

"This is where Mummy lives and Daddy has his own place to live so he doesn't need to come in"

Or even "It makes Mummy too sad to have Daddy come this house"

You are allowed feelings and you can express to your DC that your feelings matter as much as theirs.

Also read and reread "how to talk so kids will listen, listen so kids will talk"

"Oh, why do you think Daddy said that?" Just let them spill what they think without correcting them.

"I wonder why Daddy said/did that"

These are all critical thinking skills they need to develop.

If he says you have been nasty/hurtful you can say "Do you think I'm a person that says nasty/hurtful things?" Again let them say what they think.

They need the information and skills to see through adult bullshit and truth. If you don't fill in the blanks on the facts they will make up their own"truth" full of his lies.

As usual @RandomMess phrases it well.

The above to keep repeating to them on a loop will be a perfect contra to his bullshit.

You have far greater control over the narrative in their head.

Remind them every time they are about to see him.

It will bed down in their little minds.

Well done for getting out, that was the really hard bit.

As well as all the other good advice, I would keep a record with times and dates of what he as said about you to your children. It's parental alienation and if things every end up in family court, it is looked upon very unfavourably.

I think being clear and age approving the kids is the way forward. If you think about it you've been sending them mixed messages to avoid having to be clear.

Show them they're still loved and what's happening. They'll be good

what would I do without you lovely lot - thank you! and the idea that i've been sending mixed messages is ... spot on...because I've been so busy trying to protect them from the reality that I think they won't have grasped the serious reason of why I made him leave. I will be more forthcoming, just don't want to hurt them...or give him reason to get angry with them.

Just put yourself and the kids first. What would a third party / teacher tell them?

I had to have an honest, age appropriate conversation with my 2 primary aged DDs when I left my abusive exH, and explain to them that he wasn't allowed in the house, and that while they could always phone or video call him, they had to do so in their bedrooms, and he was no longer allowed video tours of my house.

I asked them about times that they had fallen out with a friend. I asked them if any of their friends had ever fallen out with someone, and did that stop them being friends with the other person, no. Then explained gently that their Dad and I had fallen out, and that he had hurt my feelings very much. That didn't mean that they couldn't still love him, of course they could, and that he was their Dad and nothing would ever change that It just meant that I needed to have space away from him, just like how they don't have to play with anyone who has been mean to them.

It was a conversation that we revisted a few times, whenever they had questions, although I have never told them what he actually did. There was a lot of encouraging them to name their emotions about it, and deal with them in a healthy manner.

It sucks OP, it really does, but as much as you need to support your DC through this, you also need to allow yourself to heal, and I found that impossible when my ex was turning up, or popping up on a video call in my bedroom.