Dating a man with Aspergers - any advice?

[Mystery2345]

I have been dating someone for a few months now and last weekend he told me he has Aspergers (has been tested for it years ago). There are definitely a few things which make more sense now to me in terms of how he communicates and is. I absolutely adore him, fancy him like mad and really would like this to be long term. I wondered if anyone here could give me advice please on how to communicate best and how to interpret actions/not jump to conclusions (ie he doesn't text much therefore isn't interested..) - he has so far never let me down and when we are together it's magic!

Edit - whilst we only recently started dating I have known him through work for years and always liked him. We are both divorced.

My son is autistic and now he is diagnosed we realise my husband is as well.

Be very clear with your language especially when you ask for something. Say what you mean and say what you need, he may not be able to work this out.

Don't assume anything about his intentions...he will say what he means and that's that, don't extrapolate to other situations.

Changing plans at the last minute can be difficult so try and understand that.

Communication is hard. Especially when it's something difficult or a disagreement. I think this is a fact and something you will need to try and accept without resentment.

Don't be offended by the not texting ...it literally doesn't enter my son's head or my husband's unless they need to tell me something (I guess this is a bit different when you don't live together though)

On the positive side both are honest, reliable and don't play mind games.

I'd avoid using sarcasm unless he is ok with it.

Not trying to be difficult, but being on the spectrum can show itself in incredibly different ways for different people, so the key is maybe discuss with him his quirks that he would like to share with you so he can understand better. My boy is very different in a lot of ways from the people described above (he's an excellent liar for example), but he struggles to understand how people aren't immediately his best friend again if he says a dismissive sorry for something he's done (and didn't actually care about). However he loves animals and those less able than him. Most people don't know he's on the spectrum.

I have aspergers. The thing I loved the most when dating was handwritten notes rather than texts all the time. And if apart, then texting was fine but with lots of emojis (it was kisses back then though!)

I felt like texting was difficult to read the tone and often I'd take it in the wrong way.

My lovely bf, now DH of 16 years wrote me little post it notes. That made my heart do fluttery backflips. He still writes me little reminders on the whiteboard. I love them. I've kept them all from our university days!!

My main outward aspergers trait is that I take things very literally. I'm 36 now so it goes a bit like this
DH: says something silly
Me: Take it literally then a second later I realise it's a joke. Then another second after that, I laugh at my initial shock face reaction
Both: end up laughing.

Cuddling is so important to me. But if DH is wearing a specific knitted jumper - I can't touch him. It gives me sensory overload.

Sometimes I find general noise too much and can't focus on people talking to me. It looks like I'm not listening or ignoring them. I don't mean to.

Ask him to be honest when he's overwhelmed.

OP you sound so lovely, thoughtful and patient! I wish you two the best of luck and lots of happiness x

Most people don't realise I'm ND 😊

It would be really hard for people to give you advice here because people on the spectrum are all so different. Some get sarcasm, some don’t, some need an absolutely rigid routine, some might get sensory overload from a particular texture and be grand with noise.
He will have his own areas where he struggles, so talk to him about it so that you can assess if the adjustments needed are things you can accommodate long term. Be honest with each other.

Ask the actual questions you want answers to.

If I ask NT person if they are going out later, they usually understand I'm actually asking for details such as what time they'll be home. With dh he'll answer that exact question with a "yes I'm going out later" and I have to then ask the real questions such as "when will you be home?"

He's been great for my insecurities because there is no game playing or subtle deeper meanings in what he says. He says what he means. If he says he's happy, he's happy. I can take everything on face value.

Ask him. My partner asks me what I need. She asks me what I mean. She asks me what things mean to me/for me. It's the most loving thing, regardless of the situation: being interested in and engaged with his experience, and not assuming it's just like yours (ie my 'serious' face often means I'm overwhelmed with happy)

Ask him is the best advice. And then listen to what he says. Don't ever expect him to be any different.

For me, I need people to be blunt and direct. The worst is when people drop hints - even 'obvious' ones tell me what you want/don't want. Don't drop hints and then get cross when I don't pick up on them!

I told my boyfriend that, if I look like I need to to be left alone. I absolutely don't. And that if I look like I need to get out of somewhere, don't give me a choice because I'm past being able to process at that point and will just do as I'm told if it's going to make me feel safer. If it doesn't, I'm likely to have a meltdown which, nowadays, just looks like being unable to over and crying. If that happens, I need to he removed.

And I agree with asking the question you want an answer to. My ex husband used to get really arsey with me for being difficult. I wasn't. I always answered the questions he asked but they weren't always the questions he wanted answered. Apparently, everyone else just realises what they're supposed to say!

My partner of 2 years has, we suspect, high functioning autism.

Things I wish I'd learned earlier. Be more direct than you think you need to be, ask for more information if you're not sure what he means, ask really specific questions, instead of "how are you?" I often go with "what are you reading?" or "what made you laugh today?" but also I forget and resort to NT questioning sometimes. If that happens, and conversation seems to die, don't let it make you feel insecure. Say as much as you can out loud or message when that's hard, even if you're in the same house.

I love taking an interest in what interests him. I love the animated side of him that this facilitates and it's totally worth the extra time to Google or look out for articles on his... Specialisms 😂.

Be careful when you're drinking together. My experience is that "big nights" sometimes make the drunk version of me blind to what he needs. Alcohol plus big social occasions carry expectations but with a little forethought this is easily negated. Take the time to check that you're both comfortable

Thank you to everyone who replied. I really appreciate your insights and am taking them all on board. Thanks!