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Original poster

Those with young children: are you still in love with your husband?

25 replies

Drunkenduck · 21/09/2022 07:38

I love my husband and care for him, but I am most definitely not intimately, IN love with him anymore. I do not feel much for him romantically at all except now and then, but the instances are few and far between.

We have the odd date night but I don't feel much really. We chat about surface level stuff, never anything emotional or deep and meaningful. I could be out having dinner with a friend or relative.

We are past the baby stage. Our children are 4 and 7.

Is this normal?

OP posts:
Unsureaboutcbttraining · 21/09/2022 07:40

I’m exactly the same

PinkPlantCase · 21/09/2022 07:43

My DS is younger, coming up to 18 months but I am still very much IN love with DH.

Mers30 · 21/09/2022 07:51

I feel exactly the same. I have just been offered a job which I desperately need to accept. Its about my mental health, socialising and having adult conversation. I don't need to work financially as my husband takes care of it all. I'm now after a few years feel totally controlled. He doesn't have to do anything at home as obviously I'm there. He has his own business and comes home, flops in the chair and I wait on him hand and foot. Yep! More fool me. He has now not spoken to me for 2 days saying that I don't need to work and he wants me to have an easy stress free life. I'm not sure if I want to be in the marriage any more? House is in his name. step sons (who I adore but live away) and no will. I'm feeling so trapped. If we split I wouldn't get hardly anything. years together- 2 years married. He's already told me if the house passes onto his children when he dies although he might arrange me to stay in it until my death. Please someone give my head a wobble and tell me probably what I'm thinking right now?

justasking111 · 21/09/2022 07:55

Mers30 · 21/09/2022 07:51

I feel exactly the same. I have just been offered a job which I desperately need to accept. Its about my mental health, socialising and having adult conversation. I don't need to work financially as my husband takes care of it all. I'm now after a few years feel totally controlled. He doesn't have to do anything at home as obviously I'm there. He has his own business and comes home, flops in the chair and I wait on him hand and foot. Yep! More fool me. He has now not spoken to me for 2 days saying that I don't need to work and he wants me to have an easy stress free life. I'm not sure if I want to be in the marriage any more? House is in his name. step sons (who I adore but live away) and no will. I'm feeling so trapped. If we split I wouldn't get hardly anything. years together- 2 years married. He's already told me if the house passes onto his children when he dies although he might arrange me to stay in it until my death. Please someone give my head a wobble and tell me probably what I'm thinking right now?

Get a job the other bits will fall into place. He's being passive aggressive

Fightingbackwithhappiness · 21/09/2022 07:59

I think it’s fairly normal but that doesn’t mean you can’t work on it. Is the relationship good apart from you not feeling in love?

girlmom21 · 21/09/2022 08:06

I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old and I'd say I'm more in love with him than I've ever been.

Don't get me wrong, neither of us is perfect, but I wouldn't want to ever lose him.

Original poster
Drunkenduck · 21/09/2022 08:07

We went to relationship counselling and the outcome was the same. He can't put his mind to working at it and struggles with anything emotional. He tried much harder in the beginning and our relationship moved very quickly due to our ages and us wanting children.

We discovered a year ago that he has ASD which for him contributes to low sex drive, lack of intimacy, sensory issues and a habit of masturbation over sharing sex with me. It's not really surprising that I'm not in love with him anymore given the issues we've faced whether it's his ASD or not, the impact on our relationship remains the same.

We've actually had three relationship counsellors in all. The last one couldn't get him to see objectively that my feelings matter whether they're fact or not. Part of his ASD is alexythmia.

OP posts:
Brokenseas · 21/09/2022 09:47

Yes I am in a very similar boat but wouldn't call it normal. Perhaps I didn't expect quite so much of the mental load to fall to me. DP is depressed, lost in his own head a lot of the time and takes life very much day by day, unable to think ahead or consider anyone else's needs. He will do things like come down to make himself lunch and sit there eating before DCs have had anything - the sort of thing a mother would never dream of doing. I resent how unsupportive he is. No intimacy, obviously, as a result.

My DCs are the same age as yours. I can't see it getting better and worry all the time now about the example this sets them.

Original poster
Drunkenduck · 21/09/2022 09:49

Have you thought of separating @Brokenseas ? I think I want to. I guess I'm just trying to find out whether this is enough to leave him as practically my DH is very good. Yours sounds horribly selfish. I'm sorry.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 21/09/2022 09:52

Don't be fucking silly

GoneWithTheWine1 · 21/09/2022 09:55

Yes still very much in love with him, don't get me wrong there are times I wish I was single and would have an easier life being a single parent BUT that's normal every couple goes through hard times and gets through it. You need to work at marriage it's not a easy thing.

Brokenseas · 21/09/2022 10:04

Every day I think it would be a blessed relief for me personally, Drunken. I don't have the courage to make a stand at this point though. Like you I think perhaps trying counselling first could help clarify things one way or the other.

You say you still love and care for your husband though. I hope all is not lost for you!

anotherdayanotherpathlesstravelled · 21/09/2022 10:06

I have to say I agree

My STBEXH has recently walked out and I thought I would be more devastated than I actually am. It's a weird feeling how little I feel. I'm not sure I even miss him. I feel more sad for our children

Wanda616 · 21/09/2022 10:09

No, I'm not. In fact a week ago I was considering leaving. He must have smelled it in the air as he's pulled his socks up a bit in the last week.

Ein · 21/09/2022 10:12

Hahahahhahaa.

Er.

I remember my parents seemed to dislike each other for about a decade when we were small, and they’re very happy together now, so I am hopeful that the love will grow more deep again when life is easier.

Mumsnut · 21/09/2022 10:20

I was never lonelier than when I had small children.

Carrieonmywaywardsun · 21/09/2022 10:24

DD is 8, and DH and I are very much in love still. Date nights, candlelit dinners at home, days out just the 2 of us mean we get time 1:1 to be close. We still flirt with each other, compliments, etc. We have a great sex life too. It is difficult sometimes to commit to spending time and energy on each other but we don't need date nights to know we still love each other

carmenitapink · 21/09/2022 10:36

Mers30 · 21/09/2022 07:51

I feel exactly the same. I have just been offered a job which I desperately need to accept. Its about my mental health, socialising and having adult conversation. I don't need to work financially as my husband takes care of it all. I'm now after a few years feel totally controlled. He doesn't have to do anything at home as obviously I'm there. He has his own business and comes home, flops in the chair and I wait on him hand and foot. Yep! More fool me. He has now not spoken to me for 2 days saying that I don't need to work and he wants me to have an easy stress free life. I'm not sure if I want to be in the marriage any more? House is in his name. step sons (who I adore but live away) and no will. I'm feeling so trapped. If we split I wouldn't get hardly anything. years together- 2 years married. He's already told me if the house passes onto his children when he dies although he might arrange me to stay in it until my death. Please someone give my head a wobble and tell me probably what I'm thinking right now?

If you are married I don't think he can just bypass you and give the house to the children btw!

I'm not a lawyer though so don't quote me.

FrozenGhost · 21/09/2022 10:42

Not really but not sure if having kids comes in to it. I've been in previous LTRs before I had kids, and the feeling of being "in love" lasted the same amount of time. I don't mind really, sure it's nice for a while, but it can't last forever. Unless you just date forever and don't have a relationship over two years. Which is also fine if that's your thing, but it's not mine.

ODFOD2 · 21/09/2022 10:45

Drunkenduck · 21/09/2022 08:07

We went to relationship counselling and the outcome was the same. He can't put his mind to working at it and struggles with anything emotional. He tried much harder in the beginning and our relationship moved very quickly due to our ages and us wanting children.

We discovered a year ago that he has ASD which for him contributes to low sex drive, lack of intimacy, sensory issues and a habit of masturbation over sharing sex with me. It's not really surprising that I'm not in love with him anymore given the issues we've faced whether it's his ASD or not, the impact on our relationship remains the same.

We've actually had three relationship counsellors in all. The last one couldn't get him to see objectively that my feelings matter whether they're fact or not. Part of his ASD is alexythmia.

It sounds like you are not compatible. You want something different from the relationship to what he can give you. It is OK for you to want something different. But you need to accept that you can't get it from him.

Luxembourgmama · 21/09/2022 10:57

Children 3 and 6. Yes I do even more so than pre kids.

DreamingofItaly2023 · 21/09/2022 10:59

We have a lot less sex but I am still deeply in love with my DH. We have both been massive supports to each other during some very hard times over the last couple of years. He makes me laugh more than anyone else and he is the first person I turn to with anything, good or bad.

Original poster
Drunkenduck · 21/09/2022 10:59

Yes I think I'm at the point of acceptance now @ODFOD2

I just need to check that what I'm wanting isn't impossible post children before I make the leap to separate.

OP posts:
LoekMa · 21/09/2022 14:09

Mers30 · 21/09/2022 07:51

I feel exactly the same. I have just been offered a job which I desperately need to accept. Its about my mental health, socialising and having adult conversation. I don't need to work financially as my husband takes care of it all. I'm now after a few years feel totally controlled. He doesn't have to do anything at home as obviously I'm there. He has his own business and comes home, flops in the chair and I wait on him hand and foot. Yep! More fool me. He has now not spoken to me for 2 days saying that I don't need to work and he wants me to have an easy stress free life. I'm not sure if I want to be in the marriage any more? House is in his name. step sons (who I adore but live away) and no will. I'm feeling so trapped. If we split I wouldn't get hardly anything. years together- 2 years married. He's already told me if the house passes onto his children when he dies although he might arrange me to stay in it until my death. Please someone give my head a wobble and tell me probably what I'm thinking right now?

I don't need to work financially as my husband takes care of it all.

your post contradicts that very statement. If he's not seeing to it that YOU are financially secure, he isnt taking care of it all, and you definitely need to work

Blueeyes83 · 21/09/2022 14:16

Ive been asking myself the same thing for a while. I’m not married but been with OH for 12 years and have 2 children 7 and 4.

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