I saw my estranged father today

[Whengcame]

I estranged myself from my father a few years ago. When I was growing up my parents relationship was sour. There was a lot of fighting. The two of them took on traditional roles - he worked and earned a wage and she stayed at home. The man was an alcoholic and a cheat and his wage was only for himself and his own pocket.

He left the family home in the 90s. I kept on OK terms with him. I never really visited him much when I was a teenager or a young adult. I was busy with my own stuff. I said hello to him when I saw him. That was the extent of the relationship.

It was only about 8 years ago when I started to visit him.

Then something happened. It was winter of 2018. My work was very demanding but that wasn't unusual. I was going in and out of periods of great insensity with work. Then out of work, in my limited free time off, I was catching up with chores like laundry. When you're working so hard, it's easy to let things slide or you might think you will do a certain chore tomorrow evening only for work to have other plans for you and have you work all day long til it's time to go home and go to bed and do it all over again the next day.

Everyone else was also trying to get a piece of my time -
My mother
My partner
I had family home from abroad and I wanted to see them more often but it was hard. I remember one week we were pl3a dinner for a particular evening only my work had other ideas and eventually come Friday I had to take the day off sick just to get some time to myself and my family.

I was going through some health problems too but I had to keep on going.

My back was truly up against the wall that winter and my father was last on my list of priorities.

In the spring of 2019. I was going for a walk early one Monday evening because I was off that day. I met my father in the town. I walked into him. He was drunk and smoking. His health was bad at this point too and he was going in and out of the hospital with his health issues which was brought on from smoking heavily. He was doing everything the doctors were asking him not to do.

He began to scold me in the village as to why I was avoiding him.

I wasn't avoiding him at that time by the way. I wasn't going to stand the village and explain myself to him. My back was truly to the wall that winter. I hardly had time for myself. I walked away from that encounter and I was thinking - he can go fuck himself and I asked myself..where was he when I was small... And if he wasn't so quick to run away from us when we were small, maybe he would know something about me and my life right now.

He spoke angrily at me in the town as if to say - look at your father, sick and where we're you?

His sickness is his own and he never helped himself but he stood in front of me wanting sympathy.

I estranged myself from him at that point.

I saw him today. He didn't see me. I didn't know if I should say hello or not, I ended up looking the other way and walking away.

I didn’t want to read and run. I have a similar but not as bad relationship. It’s incredibly hard .

I walk past my addict mother like she doesn’t exist. Fortunately, I’ve only had to do that 5 times in the 15 years we’ve been NC as I very rarely walk through my home town when I’m visiting.

(I wish to fuck I had the ability to convince my paternal Grandparents to move from there to where I am - every time I visit, I’m popping Diazepam the day before, the day of, and the day after. They can easily afford it, but they’re attached to that shit hole of a town. My abusive ex also lives there, so that doesn’t help).

I feel for you.

I’m recently estranged from my father (partly because his fourth wife is fucking awful, partly because he’s a spineless arsehole), and he lives the other end of the country, so I won’t have to bump into him at all.

I never wanted to be mad at my father but I am. He gave us a terrible childhood because alcohol and women came first before us, his children when we were small. He also abused my mother. I can't forgive that. She wasn't a Saint but she wasn't too bad either. She kept going for all of us. She could have turned to the alcohol to cope but she never did. He was a bad man.

I met him in the village in the spring of 2019. He wrecked his health and he ignored doctors and continues to smoke and drink. He wrecked his finances too. I never wanted to be mad at him but he never cared about me and he spoke to me angrily as to why I wasn't visiting him but my back was to the wall. He never even asked me how I was. It was all about him.

Keep walking away. Keep. Walking. Away.

Thank you for the replies. I was angry that day when I met him. It to his face. I was furious. He scolded me for not visiting him without a care in the world on his part. His health was wrecked and there was a cocktail of medicines keeping him alive and he was still ignoring the doctors. At that point I realised that if I keep visiting him, I will likely have to become his carer at some point. I wasn't going to do that. He wrecked his own health and continues to do that to this day. I wasn't going to give up my life to help someone who won't even help themselves and especially for a parent who was hardly ever at home when I was small. There were Christmases he never came near us because his mistress was more important to him.

I am so sorry that you had to deal with such a man when you were a child. It shows that you have a kind heart, even trying to maintain some kind of relationship with him as an adult.

Always hold out a bit of hope that he can change, but also be prepared to make your peace with the likely outcomes of his life choices.

Good for you OP. I truly believe you are in the right here, don't waste your time and energy on this man.