I think my SIL secretly hates me

[Elsiebear90]

So I feel like my sister in law (brothers wife) secretly hates me, and has my whole family fooled.

We got on very well for the past 8 years (or so I thought), but she started doing petty things around the time of my wedding which seemed out of character, I brushed them aside and thought maybe I was being paranoid, until my friend was upset by something she said as was my wife, who are both very laid back. Two days after my wedding during my honeymoon my family were acting quite strangely (destination wedding), I asked them what the issue was and she ranted at me about all the things I’ve supposedly done that have offended her over the past few years, and during the holiday.

Apparently me not being as talkative and bubbly as normal they for some reason assumed I was upset with them and got annoyed that me and my wife weren’t as fun as normal (I’m upset about this as well, because they could have just asked us instead of being off with and avoiding us).

This is despite me having a heart to heart with my SIL a few days before explaining to her how stressed I was (my MIL is a narcissist so was being very unkind and causing a lot of drama around the wedding, there’s also a lot of tension on that side of the family due to a messy divorce and new wife etc) during which I cried and she told me not to worry, she never mentioned this to my family at all and let them think I was upset with them when I wasn’t.

During her attack on me she brought up many things she had offered to help me with in regards to the wedding (in fact, not offered, insisted and wouldn’t let me do despite me asking numerous times) and threw them back in my face, brought up petty complaints like four years ago I got her an Ikea gift card for Christmas as they were buying their first house (apparently this was not a good enough gift and shows I don’t care), one time her birthday card was two days late in the post, that I didn’t attend her hen party getaway (because it was £800 for me and my wife to attend and we were in debt and had no money free at the time, we asked about cheaper options like coming for one day and were told no by her family), she brought up how much she spent on my hen do (£150, which my mum refutes as she said she gave her the money for it) and said she never actually wanted to organise and host it (again she offered and insisted). There are more things, but hopefully this gives you the idea.

The gist of the conversation was I am a selfish person who doesn’t care about her, and she couldn’t be honest with me about it because I take everything personally?! (I suppose that’s her defence for bitching about me for 8 years and pretending everything is great to my face).

I was extremely hurt to find all this out and taken aback as I thought we had a good relationship. I spoke to my mum at length about it and she defended her to the hilt as did my dad. Said it’s because “she’s so kind and is so sensitive, she does so much for everyone that she gets upset when she feels it’s not reciprocated”. When I got annoyed by this suggestion (as I have done many things for them and have gone out of my way to help my family many a time often to my own detriment) she let slip that my SIL has been b*tching about me to her (my own mum) for the past 8 years about petty things and she’s sick of being in the middle and thinks she may be jealous of me? The thing is I have never said a negative word about her up until this point. I have always sung her praises, so this was shock.

My family are sticking by this “she’s just too sensitive and does so much and sometimes things get on top of her” story as an excuse, but I can’t help but feel this isn’t the case, because for the past 8 years I thought we were friends, but she’s been bitching about the most minor petty stuff she can think of against me, how she insisted she do things for my wedding only to throw them back in my face and use them against me when she never really wanted to do them anyway.

Theres a lot more to the story, but it’s too long already. I suppose my question is how do I move forward from this? My family are pressuring me to forgive and forget as she has apologised, but I don’t feel comfortable around her now knowing every little thing I supposedly do wrong is being bitched about behind my back with my own family. I have a family weekend away with her next week and I’m dreading it, but I know if I don’t make amends and pretend everything is fine I’m going to be the bad guy.

Well, it's not secretly, is it. She's being pretty blatant. Honestly, I couldn't be doing with this drama and would not attend next weekend. You're already the bad guy, and she'll find a way to make you the bad guy even if you go, so why put yourself through it. You'll be no better or worse off. Show her that you won't be treated like this and won't put up with it. If your family all side with her then sadly you have a bigger problem than just your sil.

I agree. If your Mum has been listening to her rants about you for the last 8 years, then I'd be incredibly hurt that she'd listened for that long and not had your back. That length of time has given your SIL the green light to criticise you to the one person who should have your back.

Your Mum has let you down.

Keep her at arms length if you can't fully cut her off. She can't stand you.

Grey rock this trouble maker.

Yes, I’m incredibly hurt that she’s felt comfortable enough to bitch about me to my own mother for years and that my mum doesn’t seem to have an issue with this or have my back, she just allows it.

You’re right there is a bigger issue here than her, it’s with my mum, in the past she has compared me to her negatively, has been quite upfront about the fact she gets on better with her than me because they are more similar. She will constantly defend anything she does no matter how awful, where as I am frequently criticised or have eyes rolled at me for the most minute things, like I kid you not “I don’t really like going to Wetherspoons”, the amount of time they have brought that up as a reason to “jokingly” say I’m a snob is ridiculous now.

I’ve told her how upsetting this is and she just says this is normal because how can she criticise her daughter in law? But of course she can criticise her daughter, my dad and brother back her up too and say it’s normal and I’m over sensitive, this isn’t normal right?

Ive talked about this with her to death and she refuses to see what she’s done wrong and won’t change, so it’s just something I’ve had to reluctantly accept as the way it is.

This. Keep away from both of them for now. See what happens when they don’t hear from you. You have to consider how you feel and protect yourself.

Unfortunately something similar happened (well it’s been happening for years) and my parents kept sticking up for her because brother was golden child so they didn’t want to jeopardise that relationship so would do anything to make sure we didn’t speak up etc I’ve recently gone v low contact with parents now because my mother just doesn’t have my back. She would do the same, also tell her my personal business and gaslight me and say what’s the big deal etc. they just wanted us to pander to her. There is a cultural thing at play too which I won’t go into but it’s had a damaging effect on me growing as it started during my late teens. My father says all the right things but deep down I know my brother and his wife come first. So yeah low or no contact.

I think you just need to learn to accept that not everyone likes us...

I find it really hard, I am a people pleaser, so it hurts when people dislike me, but when they do- I either kill with kindness, or just keep conversations polite but superficial

I find it disturbing and upsetting that she feels comfortable enough to bitch about you to your own mother.

I'd be asking serious questions as to why she felt ok doing this.

My mum would crack skulls if anyone attempted to slate me to her.

I would pull out of the weekend, after all it's all too raw and why would you want to spend time around the people (and it is people, surely you don't think think your mum was just politely nodding during SIL character assassinations for the last 8 years - if she wasn't standing up for you she was probably joining in) who have participated in the bitching.

I would also back off from my family for a while to give myself space from the toxicity until absolutely necessary, and even then only be polite but superficial with SIL in future. She's a bitch trying to be queen bee with your mum, I wouldn't trust someone like that as far as I can throw her so she gets grey rocked.

I'm so sorry. I would say that you are struggling to come to terms with the fact that they have been having secret conversations about you and your SIL has been botching and your own mother has chosen to not only allow this but collude so for now you are going to remove yourself until time when you know where you want the future relationship to go. And when they dump on you tell them it is not for them to tell you how you should feel or when you should forgive and right now is too soon for you to forgive either of them. Then stop communicating

I think I’d have to confront her about her gaslighting you and talking shit-to your own mum! She’s been pretty bloody horrible.

No advice tbh but my sil hates me too. Always pleasant on the surface but actively avoids being with me if she can. Also once had a go at me for something to this day I have no idea what I am supposed to have done " if you don't know I'm not telling you ". (I don't know!).

But

I now live in a different country we are friendly when we meet. I honestly don't dislike her and I think she's really good for my brother and is brilliant to my widowed mum but I am flummoxed why she doesn't like me. I'm really nice. Honestly I am ;)