How to give it another chance

[Waffles101]

nc for this
ill try make it short but bare with me
we have been married 11years, 2 kids (9&6) the relationship was great for many years altho he has always had a bit of an angry streak. After kids things got harder, he lost his job before lockdown and frustration with kids etc. lots of arguements and I hated the way he spoke to me infront of the kids and freely would swear due to frustration, road rage etc not necessarily at me or the kids but created horrible vibe, plus me working full time and doing everything.
april 2021 I tell him he is too angry and needs to move out and sort his shit out, he comes back to the home august 2021 nothing really changes there have been some huge blowups, including him telling our children “his mother is vile”
during an argument; and if you ask my children to describe their dad in three words shouty would be one of them. He is now in a job since June but it’s still fractious and even in holiday In the summer he was vile.
so last week I tell him I want a divorce, nothing has changed and it’s toxic for the kids, he doesn’t accept it, says it’s out the blue (I mean he moved out a year ago due to this so wtf?) and says he will do anything and for me to give him until xmas at least. He will do anger management lessons etc
i feel I owe it to the kids and he has tried to be calm in the kids and not shout since but I don’t know how to let go andd actually give us another chance properly as reallly I’m so hurt by everything and the way I’ve been treated over the last few years i don’t know how to give it a proper chance or if we are only one moment away from a bust up. Can you really change in your 40s?
sorry for the rant !!

You don't owe it to your kids to restart a relationship that you think might go horribly wrong.

You don't trust him to keep his temper, and it's not surprising. That's because you have boundaries. Your instincts are warning you that this isn't a good idea.

Whether you listen to them or not is your decision, but would you want your kids, as adults, to put themselves in the line of fire if they had a partner they'd left due to being angry/speaking horribly to them, or would you be saying 'Keep your distance!'? Do you want to put them back in the line of fire now?

The only way to keep them away from his anger for sure is to keep them away from him. The only way to demonstrate to them that it's wise to walk away from angry people is to walk away from the angry person.

Wise words as always from @Watchkeys x

Thank you i understand what you are saying, but I can’t take them away from him, if he went for 50/50 custody (which i don’t think he would) wouldn’t that be worse? Will I feel like I broke up the family unit and feel guilty if I don’t Givve
it another push? When we are still living together as married? But you’re right I don’t trust him to not be angry; I believe it’s inherent and learned behaviour. But I also don’t know he can’t change, I just wish he hadn’t been so angry all these years.

Why are you the one giving it another push?

You know you can't trust him. If you could, you would. Breaking up a family unit is brilliant if the family unit is an angry place to be. I wish my mum had broken up my family unit when I was little. There was a lot of laughter in our household, but it was underscored by a seam of anger. It messes you up, having that in your house as a kid. If you split up., your kids will get (at worst) the experience of an angry household (his), and the experience of a calm household (yours) They will then have an idea of what both feel like, and will be able to choose, when they get older, what to opt for in their own lives. As it is, they'll do what I did: think that 'home' means 'anger, any minute now, unpredictably', and that's what they'll think life is like, without understanding that there are alternatives.

Offer them an alternative. Even if they have to put up with 'angry dad', offer them a calm place to be, too. They will quite possibly choose to be with you more of the time anyway; healthy humans don't like being around anger.

You do not owe this man anything now let alone a relationship.

He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger when you have rightly called him out on his behaviour. He does not treat his work colleagues like he has done with you and his kids. Given how inherently selfish and otherwise self absorbed he is I doubt very much he will be much bothered about and or with his children post separation too. He has, by his actions, taken his own self away from his kids.

Also anger management is no answer to domestic violence which is what you are also describing here. I would be looking into divorcing him going forward and asap; it's over because of the abuse he has and continues to mete out. What you're now in is the nice part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one.