Abusive or normal...

[MrsUnicornCakes]

My partner is extremely upset with me due to a fight on Saturday. I cannot explain the circumstances, the the fight is entirely my fault. I did something awful (not affair). On Sunday I apologized, explained my part, said it would never happen again.
Today he is still being cold and distant with me. We live in different towns and he initiates conversation, and has made some light jokes. We're meant to be going away this weekend together and he has said he still wants to go. But in general he is texting less and is not very warm. My friends are all telling me this is normal as the argument is still fresh and he is hurting, and I need to respect his space. But this is really hurting me as I feel scared and rejected. I've been reading about withholding affection/sulking as a form of emotional abuse and starting to feel very confused if this behavior is normal after a fight. He is contacting me, but much less than normal. Do I just wait it out? I don't know what to do.

I think it's really hard to gauge if he's being unreasonable without knowing what the fight was about. Was it something that would cause him to lose trust in you? Has it happened before? How is your relationship generally?

Without wider context of what your relationship is like, and what the actual event you've apologised for is, it's hard to say. To take your post just at face value I'd say that if my partner did something I considered "awful", I also might take a little while to go back to normal. Even after an apology. And I'd find it a bit manipulative of him if he called me abusive for taking my time. But that's without knowing any other details and simply taking this as you say it.

Just reading what you have described I would consider it completely normal to take a while to "come round" after a big fight.
He's told you he still wants to spend the weekend together - and he is still talking to you - even if less frequent. I don't' think you have anything to worry about unless there is a lot more to this story.

Sulking would usually be what happens after an argument over the washing up where the sucker had been proven in the wrong. If you’ve done something which you yourself describe as awful which has provoked a fight then he isn’t being unreasonable to need some space and time to himself to process it. He’s been clear that the relationship isn’t over and you’ll still be going away; but isn’t in the mood for lighthearted texting and pretending nothing is wrong. That’s normal.

No, it's not abusive for him to be distant and off after a big fight.
A huge fight where you did something awful, and you don't think it's okay he needs a bit if space, and are googling if he's abusing you?
It sounds as though you feel incredibly guilty and trying to shift some blame onto him.
What was the fight about? Without that information it's impossible to say really.

It's normal for some people to be like this, and take a bit of time to get through the feelings of a row. It's not normal for others.

What's concerning is that it's obviously not normal for you (otherwise you wouldn't be posting or thinking he was abusive), and he's perfectly ok to do it. Have you told him how he's making you feel?

If you've had a big bust-up over something that was entirely your fault, you can't suddenly expect him to accept your apology and for everything to be hunky-dory again straight away. He is still clearly really upset about it, and it will take a while to get over. Give it time.

This doesn't sound weird to me at all. He's not ignoring you or punishing you - he's responding and engaging and is still up for your weekend away. He's just feeling a little less chatty. Seems fairly normal to me if whatever you did was something that he needs time to process.

Of course, if the "big thing" you did wrong was that you forgot to change the bedding or cooked him a meal with an ingredient he dislikes, then I reserve the right to change my opinion. Similarly, if the "big thing" was that you shouted and screamed at him in public, called him names and then slapped him then I'd say that he is showing remarkable restraint to be acting as normally as he is.

Like everyone said, hard to say without more detail, but as a victim of a sulker I will say sulking is when a person does it all the time and for just about any stupid reason. Most times I would not be able to remember what the fight was about. Also, we would not talk about it, discuss it, or try to work it out. My partner would just stop talking to me for days, weeks, sometimes months. So, I would say that in your case it may be that he is simply hurt and needs more time to get over it.

What did you do?

Normal I think, if what you did was really bad. Sulking is when affection is withdrawn frequently over minor things, and would involve no contact at all. Give him a few days and I'm sure things will be back to normal.

If your instant comparison is an affair, considering you explicitly specified it wasn't that, it sounds like it's something big enough to expect things not to be 'normal' for a while. You can't expect him to act like nothings happened or that everything's fine when it's not.

In the context of your recent argument, it is normal behaviour and not abusive. You can't expect him to 'snap back to normal' instantly. If you can't cope with your partner having feelings, maybe you should end the relationship. It isn't all about you and your fear of rejection.

Thank you everyone for all your replies. They have really put things in perspective and helped me see his way of things. Yes, what I did was completely unacceptable and hurtful. I take full responsibility for it and am taking steps to ensure it will never happen again. I just hope with time he will forgive me and let love in again. I truely love him and don't want to lose him. I hate myself for what I did.**

if whatever you did is so bad that you hate yourself etc etc, I'm kind of amazed he's engaging with you at all. Shows that he thinks that you genuinely did make a mistake and won't do it again.

Having said that, I'd argue that when a line has been crossed, all the apologies in the world can make it hard to move on from. It might be that he realises he can't.

This.

The thing about the 'silent treatment' as abuse is when it is used in a way to control behaviour. E.g. if your partner said something that upset you, and then you told him it upset you, so he then refused to speak to you for a week to enforce the idea that you cannot complain about him.

However someone being quieter and more withdrawn because you have hurt them and they need time to come to terms with what has happened and to sit with their feelings is not abuse.

Its about intention behind being silent.

In this case it sounds like he is being quieter and less engaged because he is upset and needs time to come to terms with what has happened and to feel his feelings. Unless he is doing it in some way you have not mentioned it does not sound like he is trying to control your behaviour.

I think abuse is thrown around too much for too little. There is a difference between abuse and the fallout from an argument over something you have done that has hurt someone.

Also, there is no definitive description of abuse. There are universally abusive behaviours (violence, insults etc) but lots of things can be abusive given the context. For example, bringing a dog into your house isn't 'an abusive behaviour', but repeatedly bringing a dog in because you know that your partner is terrified of dogs, is. It's not so cut and dried as 'Is this abuse, yes or no?'

In a healthy relationship, though, you don't ever have the question 'Is my partner abusing me?' It just doesn't happen. Neither does 'hating yourself' for making a mistake, however bad. There's something else going on here, and I suspect it's that OP has low self esteem that's being eroded by her partner's repeated withdrawing, emotionally.

Am I miles off the mark, OP, or has he pulled away before?

@MrsUnicornCakes , if you won’t tell us the awful thing you did, can you tell us why you did it instead? The answers might be more helpful in that case.

Hi everyone. I thought I would update! Firstly, for those of you asking, the thing I did is nothing like an affair and not nearly that harmful. I was, however, entirely in the wrong and entirely responsible for some awful behaviour.
I just wanted to say thanks to everyone. This morning I told him I respected his space and was trying to respect his boundaries, that I love him and will be there for him, and asked if I can do anything more to help us heal. He said he appreciated it and was noticeably warmer and happier there after. I felt for the first time that he was coming round and he talked about plans he had been making for our weekend away. We exchanged I love yous.
I have noted a few comments saying I may have low-self esteem and I think this may be the case due to a previous relationship that was both physically and emotionally abusive. I think I may have some unresolved trauma from this and therapy is probably a good option.. I don't want to project my insecurities onto my new partner. And one of my friends has told me I've interpreted this current situation much worse than it actually is..