Boyfriends bad communication is starting to affect our relationship

[Foodx123]

Post on behalf of someone else.

Me and my boyfriend started dating around 6 months ago. Things have gotten quite serious and we both have the same expectations for the future. We’ve met each other’s friends and generally get on very well in all aspects of our relationship.

However, when we aren’t together the communication just is not there. He barely responds to texts, and when he does night shifts I hear from him a few times over the 4 days. He is a doctor and I know he is very busy. I don’t expect constant commutation but I don’t even get a call to check I’m okay before he goes to work. I try not to call him between shifts incase he’s sleeping as he’s always running late. We don’t plan dates until last min, I never know when he’s coming over until last minute. If I didn’t put my life on hold just incase we meet up I would never actually see him. He has a rota 8 weeks in advance so he’s not on call or anything. I am a single mum to a two year old therefore the only time I get to see him is when she’s at her dads because we agreed we’d keep her out of his life until things were very serious. Saying that, he’s only really free at night time or weekends anyway. That time is precious to me. I have tried to communicate my feelings but I just feel I do not get anywhere.

I have feelings for this guy but I just can’t live a life where I’m not sure what’s happening. I know he’s free this weekend and I’ve asked multiple times if he wants to hang out and I’ve not got much back. If I start making my own plans he will never see me because I feel like I’m the only person holding this relationship together.

Stop blaming. He has one communication style/lifestyle, you have another. Decide whether you can live with it or not. Don't try to change him or assume that your way is right and his is wrong.

You sound incompatible to me, due to differing communication styles. Incompatibility doesn't mean nothing fits, it means one or more vital parts don't fit. So, for example, he could be perfect for you in every way, but never wash. You wouldn't consider an intimate relationship with him then. Or perfect for you in every way, but live 10 hours away.

You may be compatible in many ways, but if you 'can't live a life' the way he does, there's no relationship, because you're not relating to each other in a key way.

I dont think this will work out sadly OP. This time in a relationship should be the best time and it seems he has to concentrate on his career alot,leaving precious time to devote to you, I am really sorry but if its like this now when all the excitement and fun stuff should be happening whilst you get to know each other properly then it seems fraught with too many complications , It seems like casual dating is as far as it can go with the external pressures of life for both of you. I am sorry.

Why would he change his behaviour when this works for him?

If it doesn't work for you stop playing the doormat.

Why would he call to check you're ok before he goes to work?

6 months in and theres already growing resentment. This will not last, so you might as well cut the cord now. If it does last, you will become a shadow of your former self

Why would you focus on that? He's not communicative enough for OP. The rest is details.

I would back off and get on with your own life, he will either up his game or he will carry on in this way which you've decided isn't what you need from him in which case move on before you do end up introducing your child to him.

@Watchkeys I know. Just thought it was odd and needy.

Because he does nights. Gets back, goes to sleep and wakes up and doesn’t have any time to message me therefore we do not speak at all. As his girlfriend I would appreciate at least something? Even if it’s a 5 minute call whilst he gets ready before work. I’m not being needy at all. We don’t live together and see each other once a week.

How on earth did the planet survive the millennia before texting?

Stop being controlling. You cannot make him what you want him to be.

If texting didn’t exist perhaps I’d be a bit more accepting of his lack of communication.

Quite unsure how I can be controlling when I have only expressed my feelings to him a couple of times. Never have I told him what to do or how to be.

I can't stand the endless texting everyone does so that's just a preference.

More serious is him not making dates firm and valuing your time. That does seem like either he's not that into you or he's happy for you to be on hold all the time. That would be my focus. Be less available.

@Foodx123 Has he ever said he loves you and talked about a future together or does he just see it as a hookup when it suits him and he feels horny?

Some jobs are just so full-on that even when you aren’t actually at work, you don’t have enough space left in your brain to think about pandering to someone else’s wishes. It’s one reason why people often hook up with others in the same kind of job - it saves having to explain stuff because they already get it.

Do you work outside the home yourself? It sounds as if there’s a huge mismatch between what you and he expect and can give to a relationship, and I can’t see much future in it. You will get more and more fed up because he isn’t drip feeding your needs, and he will start to see you as needy and too much effort.