Husbands family (Xmas)

[sweeetchops]

So your thoughts on how we handle this pls...

Been together 10yrs, never spent a Christmas alone as a family, have always gone to hubbys family for Xmas day.

2 children aged 8yrs and a new born

This year we've decided we would like Xmas at our house with us 4 but will see hubbys family Boxing Day and celebrate with everyone then

My husbands sister and mum have got very upset, telling my husband he's selfish, there's been actual tears crying to him,and they cannot understand why we wouldn't want to spend it with them when each year we have done. Especially this year with the baby.

I get on well with them and in fact are very close but since having the newborn im feeling they sort of have some entitlement and like we owe them it. That's how they make me feel not what I think is right.

We had to ask for some space after baby born as MIL insisted on being at my midwife and health Visting apps and even they picked up on it and we had to say nicely we just need some time as a family. (Daily visits turning up and staying for the day and also wanting daily texts for updates)

Anyway Xmas....we are sticking to our guns but I can't help but feel awkward about it.

How do we handle this?

Surely families alternate Xmas with families ? So this isn't any different

Thanks for reading x

Let them cry.

Stay firm and ignore all tears!

Husband: "Aw mum, I'm sorry you're so upset, it'll be a change, but I always had such a magical time at Christmas growing up, now that baby is here I want to do the same for the kids. Excited to see you all Boxing day, we will be bringing board games and cake."

Are you seeing your family too?

YANBU at all, much easier to spend Christmas in your own home when you have a young family, children want to play with their new toys in their home. Don’t be emotionally blackmailed as if you change your mind this year, expect to be at MIL’s every Christmas. Good luck.

Why not spend Boxing day at home?
I was like you when younger but when the in-laws/parents are no longer there you miss it.
Grandparents love to see their DGC and Xmas is an extra special day for all of you as well as the kids.
Xmas is a family thing, just ask those that have no one left

OP

I feel your pain, when our two DC were very little we had to travel to various parts of the country for Christmas as both our families lived 2 hours apart, therefore we were expected to alternate Christmas day with each family.

As we both worked full time, we had to haul both our children and their toys to each house Christmas eve.

I started to dread Christmas.
We then decided, when I was pregnant with my third to spend Christmas at home. It was fantastic, so relaxed. We now have 4DC and have spent Christmas at home for the last 14years. We have our own traditions and wouldn't dream leaving home for Christmas now.

Do whatever works for you and your family. Life is too short to worry what other people think of you.

@sweeetchops just stick to your guns. Boxing Day will be lovely as long as they don't huff and play the victim.
We spend Christmas in our own house now, stopped travelling after our second child was born and it's just magical. Our family catch ups around Christmas are less stressed too as we aren't trying to do all the presents / food / chat on just one day.

Congratulations on your new baby too.

Boundaries are important; and the one you are trying to put in is really reasonable. Your DH's family though might be feeling confused by it- as you've had a pattern of seeing them on Christmas Day for a number of years. @Keroppi's advice is good

Good for you for sticking to your guns. To be honest your in laws have been massively over stepping for a while. Who comes to all the baby apps, unless asked? I think you probably need to take a few more steps back to be honest. If they keep crying and causing an issue about Christmas, tell them that if you hear one more complaint about it then boxing day is off too. And actually follow through. It's like dealing with toddlers, but until they realise that doing X results in Y that they don't like, they will just keep pushing. It's always worked before, after all, so why wouldn't it now. Oh, and make sure it all comes from your husband. Otherwise you will be blamed for everything.

@bbcdefg ok...wasn't expecting that 🤣

@Keroppifrear suggestion! It's kind of what we've said but love this idea

@Roselilly36 exactly that! Been a tough old year for us and that's the issue I think it's that we've spent most years with them
First 4 I went to my family and he went to his and then the last few because of covid we always went to his because my mum is vulnerable

@Raul57 purely because we want ONE Xmas in our home waking up on Xmas day that's all
They've had us for the last 8 (47 yrs in my husbands experience !) she's not had one Xmas without him where as I have without my family

@bjrce thanks for sharing its hard isn't it
@Ahnobother exactly it's nice to read other peoples stories and get opinions as we really don't want to upset anyone
@bluelavender that is true so there is some understanding from us in that respect

@Eatingjumper you're so right! She insisted on being at the hospital, appointments so she can advocate for me, her heart is in the right place and I never used to mind (my husband is the one who does mind all her fussing) but I do like her and she's very supportive and only means well. But since having the baby I've found it too much. Showing up unannounced when all I want to do is have a nap when baby was napping as I'm soo tired and she says I won't stay long but then ends up staying as say it's lunch time I'll be making something to eat and naturally I offer her and she says oh only if you don't mind I wasn't planning staying lol etc
But it's hard because I know she just loves her family.

But I'm Definitely sticking to my guns. We aren't doing anything wrong and this thread has confirmed it. There's so malice in it and I do understand that because we've always gone there I can see why it's a shock. We will most likely go there next Christmas but we shall see

I also feel like saying well if that's how you feel we won't come Boxing Day!! But yes I'll leave that to my husband !

I just feel she should feel lucky that we are coming Boxing Day, and appreciate that not make us feel bad. His sister is 36yr old and she sulked for a few hours after hubby telling her 🙄I'm not even seeing my family. They don't celebrate it as much as hubbys family and are much more relaxed infact I'd love them to be bothered about seeing us! Hence why I do appreciate them caring so much

X

I'm very similar in position to bjrce. We have a 5 year old and a 1.5 year old. In the 9 years that DH and I have been together we've always travelled 2 hours to alternate between my family and DH's. As we've had kids and a dog it's all become too much and I end up feeling really stressed about it all. 2020 obviously wasn't great in many ways but actually forcing us to be at our home on Christmas Day made us realise the benefits of being at home with the kids. We went to family again last year and both came out of it deciding that we will be at home for Christmas from now on and will see the rest of the family between boxing day and new year. DH's family have had mixed reactions to this, with some stroppy reactions from my SiL. But at the end of the day we want our children to experience Christmas as we did growing up, not being carted around and told they have to leave big presents at home because we can't fit it all in the car etc.

Ride out the fall out this year and honestly you won't regret it. They'll still get to see you the day after and celebrate together then, so it's not like you're saying you won't see them at all. It's selfish behaviour to want you to put their wishes ahead of the best interests of you, DH and your children.

I’ll be sad not to spend Christmas with my kids when the time comes. But I’ll be telling them to do whatever is going to work for them as a family, and that I’d love to host them at some point…Boxing Day, or NY day, or early December. Whatever. But Christmas Day is for them to decide. I think that’s what most regular families would do? Stand your ground, and let your husband deal with the fallout.

I had separated parents as a child and I HATED spending most of Christmas Day in the car. Good decision.

Just as an add on here - I know you are not backing down, and nor should you, but incase anyone else in a similar situation isn't as strong I always like to make this point. You only get a finite amount of Christmases with your children whilst they are kids (or mothers day, or Easter, or insert your celebration of choice), and even fewer whilst they are kids and actually want to be there and not off with friends or just hiding in their room. Maybe till they are 15? Maybe less.

Don't give them away to anyone else.

Stay firm and start as you mean to go on. New baby, new tradition.

We nipped that in the bud the first baby's Christmas. I'd seen my brother alternating Christmases with both sets of inlaws and his kids never got to open their presents in their own home. I don't understand why your ILs expect you not to do at least this though!

So now we stay home Christmas day. We go to BILs for Boxing day, and outside of that, people are (within reason) welcome to come to us but we want our DS to be in his own home creating his own childhood memories of Christmas morning. And actually, it's brilliant. I do matching pjs, I cook what WE want for breakfast/ dinner. We set our own schedule and I love it.

When he's older, that might change. But for now, we stay home. Grandparents are welcome to stay as well but not wider family.

Depending on what you feel comfortable with, you could always ask them round to watch your baby open the gifts in the morning and do breakfast.
Or what ILs did - they'd do mornings and afternoons at their own houses and call around to exchange presents with family at their parents in the evening.
But it's ok to do nothing too.

OP

Thanks for coming back.
It looks as though your minds are made up.
Enjoy your Xmas/etc
:)

Bear in mind mil has had her way for quite some time so any change to plans which go against her expectations will be met with plenty of objections, tears & maybe a tantrum.

Stay firm. It is your Xmas and family- this year you have decided not too share which is your right. You will see them Boxing Day so it is not as if you are ignoring them altogether.

Stick to your guns. And I say this a s a granny! We don’t own grandchildren, we are a guest in their lives and there to be helpful, offer and give support when it’s asked for. I really don’t get the demanding access, time, daily updates and as for attending your midwife appointments, that’s just downright intrusive. Suggest to MIL you go along to her medical consultations, bet she won’t be so eager then.

Your family, your Christmas. Let them whinge.

They are being completely unreasonable. It's unreasonable to expect to see you every Christams Day. In most families, at the very least it's alternate Christmas days as they alternate between grandparents. But even that shouldn't be assumed. It's fine to want to spend Christmas day with your own children in your own home. You're still visiting on boxing day so what's the difference?

They think their feelings should come above yours.

And crying about it?! Utterly shocking that a grown adult would cry over not seeing someone on Christmas Day!

Stick to your (very reasonable) guns, and maybe think of other ways you can create distance and reduce their ridiculous and selfish sense of entitlement.

I totally agree and I don't feel bad anymore - I did a bit but from everyone responses I know we are not being unreasonable and it's them that are. Grown adults crying and sulking. 🙄understand they may feel sad and I would be more understanding normally but it's calling my husband selfish that has got my back up along with making us feel bad for wanting something quite normal

Thanks all x

My dd used to come home to me with sil for one Xmas day then go to sil's Dad following year. Then once they had children they stay home over Xmas. They come to me 3rd week of December for weekend. I do Xmas then for them. I book them into see Santa, we all go ice skating and walk dogs looking for Xmas decorations in Windows as we walk by. I cook a turkey crown and we pull crackers and eat chocolates, then I find a Xmas movie for them to watch. They go to see my ex one Saturday in December and his Mum one weekend and his Dad on a Sunday. My dd jokes they have Xmas every weekend in December. You could do this too. Offer to go to in-laws the week before and ask mil to do Xmas that weekend for you all. We go to see my mil for 2 days between Xmas and New Year.

Re the above post - you just reminded me that at times we did xmas at ours and new yrs at in-laws but often xmas was at ours - so you can say you'd go over boxing day and new yr eve

We had tears when we announced that we will be spending Christmas on our own. This hasn't changed 22 years later! I really can't be arsed to go out on Christmas day. Love lounging in PJs all day!

We sometimes do go new year, last year we did both Xmas day and New Year's Eve we took them out for dinner with us and back to ours for drinks . We've spent a fair few New Years with them over the years. I honestly think since the baby has come along it's made then this way - they weren't so like this before. Family is important I get that and I'm glad they are so close but like pp said there are boundaries and I would never put myself on someone like they do
My family don't do it to us

X

I think it's good not to feel bad and good for you, but I wouldn't be too quick to judge them.

I should imagine your MIL has felt very lucky for a long time to have her family with her on Christmas Day. It's obviously really important to her. It's probably a shock that this year is going to be a change and maybe a bit of anxiety.

Be kind to them - reiterate how excited you are for Boxing Day.

New babies often do this to families. New mums can also be very sensitive to it.

I'd let it all go over your head for a bit and you'll probably dubs it all settles down and goes back to normal eventually.