No longer in love but married

[Walkinganywhere]

Hi all,
I'm really struggling at the moment as have finally told my husband I no longer love him due to putting up with the way he talks to our son, his attitude and behaviour when frustrated and also how he has spoken to me. I have tried over and over to get him to seek help and also pointed out that how he is isn't fair or right to all of us. It came to a head when I told him if I had the finances,I'd leave him as the way he talks is quite abusive.
I don't love him anymore and want to leave. He's finally taken the hint and is seeking help and has been like a different person the past few weeks. He asked me to give him a chance to sort himself out and seems to be making a real effort. However, for me, I have given him chance after chance as every time he said sorry,that was a chance.
I now feel guilty that I want to leave as he is making an effort. He is pretty much respecting my wish for space by leaving me alone...no,he hasn't chosen to move into the spare room or move out for a bit. He wants to make things work.

Am I being really selfish to not want to try? I'm not sure ei can ever fall back in love with him as the fear of him regressing will probably always be there. I really don't know what to do after years of living by walking on eggshells and false apologies.

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It sounds like for you that it is far too little, too late.

I'm the same...once my love has gone, it's gone for good. If it's got to the point where I have to tell a man to treat me properly, it's too late.

You aren't selfish.

I’m with you. The love is gone because the basics of a caring marriage are gone. He might change but he made a choice every time he was horrible to you, he made that choice year after year and that’s had consequences.

You’ll have an easier time coparenting your son after the split if he works on why he’s been such a dick to you both and makes better choices to be nicer, but I expect when you tell him you’re off anyway he’ll decide it’s too much trouble to do that and will revert to his old ways.

Either way you’ve made your decision, one which longer term will hopefully make you much happier. Be true to that and get a divorce. You could use this time he’s giving you space and behaving better to see a lawyer and work on your plan.

I’m in the same position. Told him I wanted to separate, he was so upset and so shocked. Is trying really hard and been more insightful than I thought he would be. But he can’t change his personality and wasn’t ready to work with me to make things better before. Now I really feel it’s too late for me.
Also even though he’s trying his best he’s still not really listening. He’s arranging lots of fancy expensive dinners out for us just the 2 of us, and then asking me if I’m ready to come back to the bed yet like that will just sort everything out. But he’s so upset, I feel awful for doing that to another person. And I know he’s going to get nasty about all the financial and childcare arrangements so am massively scared about that. I could stay - but I don’t love him. And am so loving having my own bedroom I can’t imagine wanting to sleep in the same bed as him again.

3 weeks of best behaviour doesn’t make up for years and years of hurt sadly.

No it doesn't. He's made it to 7 weeks here. Hence I now have that guilt that I maybe should want to try and make things work.

Thank-you. This has been a long time coming. I know for him it seems like a sudden thing and he's getting his head around that. It's almost annoying that he is being so great now...like, if he can do it why didn't he in the first place?!!!!

I need to start making a plan .

Thank-you for replying. I need to let go of that feeling! Yes,it os too little,too late and I have said that to him. Every sorry (usually with a but,which makes sorry meaningless) and repeated action has been a chance.

Sorry if my replies haven't linked to each of you! Not sure what is going on!

Thank-you all for your replies...it means alot and really helpful to know I'm not in the wrong for thinking and feeling how I do!

It depends if the marriage can be salvaged because love isn’t a constant feeling, and it manifests in different forms.

However, having said that, you’ve acknowledged that your husband is abusive and he seems to have a toxic way of communicating with you and your son. For the sake of yourself and your son, you need to consider why you want to stay in this marriage? You may have loved him once, but he’s clearly not the man you loved. And, given that he’s abusive, please make sure you also consider whether you have real life support so that you can leave safely?

If you can somehow get things documented so in the event of a separation, it might not be so easy for joint custody etc. Please get expert advice about visitation rights etc. I’m sorry if that’s a lot to take in, but I hope that for your sake and your son’s, you leave this abusive person.