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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Narcissistic ex

8 replies

Meyouandmine · 19/09/2022 20:23

Does anyone have advice or experience that might help? In the child consent order my ex-husband was found by the judge to have subjected me to coercive and controlling behaviour from the beginning of our relationship. He was ordered to go on an anger management course and supervised access in a contact centre for four months. He would not do either of these and, therefore, has not seen our son for almost 4 years. I tried so hard from the moment we split ( due to his behaviour) to keep a father child relationship going - I felt so guilty and didn’t want our child to have just one parent. I hoped the court order would make him do the best by our child. It didn’t - he never even remembers our child’s birthday. Sadly, when time passed I met a new partner who was even worse (yes, I can hear you wondering what kind of foolish person manages to do this twice). The effect of this later relationship on my child has been quite devastating (my partner beat me and tried to strangle me and is set for trial). My child adored this person and it has taken a huge amount of work from many people to get my child back on track ( it is ongoing). Now to the crunch- I have been paying the mortgage on our home for the past four years on my own. I have applied for the Financial order in the court and have asked the court to transfer the home to me. This has enraged my soon to be ex-husband and he has decided he now wants access to our child . He has already abandoned 3 of his own children (one that I did not even realise existed) and 2 other children fro other relationships. I know he will abandon our child again and he is doing this just to make my life hell. He does not care about our child at all. I am so worried for our child, that having suffered so much already is now going to be made to suffer again. This is so cruel.

OP posts:
Wanmoreday · 19/09/2022 20:40

He hasn't fulfilled the initial legal requirements he was told to (anger management course and supervised contact) so why would he gave rights to access?

Do all you can to legally keep him away. Also,
I'd move away personally. Far away. And tell no one where. Rather than let a nan like him bear my child.

Children should have no contact with abusive men. You were wrong to encourage it to begin with. And you'd be wrong to just sit back and let it happen now. Get a lawyer. Find your fight. Protect your child.

Wanmoreday · 19/09/2022 20:41

*near not bear

Meyouandmine · 19/09/2022 21:02

I have a lawyer who is going to start work on it this week. Moving is not an option as all of our support network is here and our child gets so much love and security from them. All of our friends, school etc. He is sending letters threatening court through his solicitor and I am so worried the court will not realise how terrible this will be for us. Narcissism is the most awful kind of abuse to people

OP posts:
Wanmoreday · 21/09/2022 00:02

It'll be pretty obvious to the court that a man who has had no contact for 4 years with his child and previously got in the shit for coersively controlling you, may not have healthy motives for now wanting to see your son. Any worthwhile lawyer will make it clear that its only now that you are trying to get your name on the property that has triggered this action from him and that he appears to have sinister motives. Choose a solicitor that you feel gets this (one thats dealt with abuse cases and knows the score). If you don't feel its the right solicitor, look again. Find one that gets it.

Meyouandmine · 21/09/2022 03:53

Thank you for this. I have become so cynical and doubt myself in everything, but you have just about picked up the very reaction my solicitor has - that it is clear that his moves are sinister. I just have to try and have faith in justice.

OP posts:
Morgana123 · 15/02/2023 20:16

Hi darling I am not sure how you got on? Have things progressed positively? Hsve you manage to find a public children lawyer? It is not easy I feel you, there are moments of doubts, stress, resentment but with the right solicitor I would argue barrister instead, you’d get it… we are all on this journey together… I find comfort here in this board with ppl I never met xx I hope you do too x

Porkyporkchop · 15/02/2023 20:27

Please let the court handle this. He has not done what was requested of him to have contact so it’s still a no go, but the court will look at this.
please get support for yourself as well as your child. You have been through a lot and you need to understand why you are drawn to aggressive men. Sending you hugs OP.

Napmum · 15/02/2023 20:33

Your solicitor sounds like they are on it. Try not to worry.

Considering this history, I imagine court will either just say no to him because of Jim ignoring the previous court order. Or they will get a social worker to interview and assess your ex and the evidence. I imagine any SW will clearly see that his motives are not in child's best interests.

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