Best friend of 20 years changed. Help me move on and deal with mutual friends

[Metabigot]

My best friend of 20 years who I thought I'd be friends with forever have sadly reached a point where the friendship cannot continue. Without going into all details, I was going through a rough patch taking legal action against my employer for discrimination which was very stressful and my employer doubled down accusing me of lying etc.

Went to stay with said friend when all this was in my head, highly stressed and not sleeping well and she was rude, unsupportive and wouldn't let me talk about it all weekend. Acted like I was annoying her. Said some other horrible things including calling me crazy ( in a bad way) . I ended up 'going for a walk' to sob my heart and would have gone home earlier than planned but had my kids there playing with her kids so poker-faced it wilst there was a tension between us the rest of the day. I didn't feel right confronting her as she doesn't take that well so I thought just leave it a bit not for one minute thinking the friendship would end that day.

Got in touch a few months later apologising for not being in touch a while but I'd wanted to take some time out as I'd been upset at what had happened last time.

The bit I'm struggling with is not so much the insults and lack of giving a shit about the court case but rather than ask why I was upset (even though she must have had an inkling) I got radio silence for 2 days then when I texted her again I got ' what are you talking about we all had a great time'

Then nothing

We can all have a bad day but refusing to address it when your best friend of 20 years wants to discuss something that upset them (not saying she has to agree with all my points, just be open to hearing them) is for me a deal breaker.

This person was maid of honour at my wedding godmother to my child, best friend of 20 years but she no longer wishes to invest in the friendship, that much is clear and I won't chase after her.

Another friend I met through her has since become a close friend and I'm wondering how this will affect our friendship. I've mainly said nothing except for once just asking her if friend had misunderstood something in particular (that she'd have known about) as I was trying to fathom it out.

I won't bring it up unless she does but she is very close to former friend. What do.i say if she does? My fear is that she'll side with her and reject me too in solidarity.

Sounds like your friend is passive . Did you invite yourself that weekend , or did she invite you over to stay . ? Maybe she felt overwhelmed. To move forward, I would stay friends with your mutual friend but try and make new friends too that have no connection with other friends.

She invited me.

It just feels like she doesn't want to be friends anymore which is up to her. I'd be willing to pick up the reins again but she'd need to be willing to engage. Some of the things she said hurt a lot but if she acknowledged them and wanted to move on it'd be worth trying to repair it. Issue is she isn't

Hurts like hell but I can only accept her choice

Another thing is my husband asked her for a character reference last week ( she's in one of those professions that can verify etc) and she said yes. Never asked after me but happy to engage, albeit transactional, with him.
Trying not to read too much in to that but of course I was hoping for a 'how's meta doing ' if she needed an easy 'in' to re engage

Sadly not a lot of people understand what you've been through just like you I wasn't believed and not many people want to hear that!! I've started listening to podcasts and practicing self care joined Facebook groups with others in similar situations! I hear you OP it's not fair but just remember you still have integrity and would never do to another what they did to you sending love and strength 💐

Thank you. Ironically enough one of the managers in my grievance was in the audience of a popular programme she wanted to watch. We'd all been sent an email saying to look out for him etc.

When I said I didn't want to see it because of this, albeit slightly animatedly that's when she shouted at me I was crazy.

I'd not slept for more than 3 hours at a time for over a month by this point so possibly wasn't my normal self but as you say people just don't get it.

I was working my notice then luckily working elsewhere now.

That sounds harsh OP especially as you are such old friends try to forgive her best you can don't let poison from those people destroy your present or future they have taken enough from you already! Sleep for me is also been affected which then affects everything else take care of yourself you will be ok I liken it to a bereavement and I wonder if I will ever truly be me again but I'll be damned if I let em 😞

With more understanding of the situation, she does not deserve your friendship. It really does sound like it’s her loss but she doesn’t realise it yet . You are totally right about it takes 2 to want to engage . As long as you know in yourself that you’ve tried and she’s very clear you have tried , then leave her be with the loss of you . Make knew friends . She doesn’t sound like a true friend . You ov are and be proud of that ,

The hurt will fade , believe me , I’ve been here with a family member ! I tried to engage for ages , held out so many olive branches and it hurt like hell knowing I meant nothing to them . I still don’t have a relationship but I’m ok with it now. It’s a reflection on them not you

I'd maybe draw a line on the friendship yourself but there doesn't have to be "an ending " I'd just let it naturally drift.

Its a mix At times