How do I handle my 12 year old DS and and my exH?

[Outofdepthmum]

We split 2 years ago, he has the kids EOW and one of them, DS12 is his favourite. DS is a lovely child but very emotional and I think easily manipulated. Relations between me and the ex are not good, he believes himself to be the wronged party (he isn’t) and is very bitter and uses DS to get to me.

he has had him this weekend and despite blocking me on his phone, used DS’s phone to call me (so I took the call) to bollock me in front of DS for a fine he thinks he is going to get, related to my changing the name on our broadband. FFS.

I said I wouldn’t engage with him in front of DS, it was sly to use DS’s phone to get to me, and he had already sent an abusive email earlier that day which I hadn’t had chance to respond to.

All this could have been sorted out but then I got a voicemail from DS, and the language in it would stop a train. A good few minutes of “mum you fucking piece of shit I fucking hate you so much you’re so shit you should speak to Daddy with respect you fucking bitch” etc etc. on and on, plus a text message of the same tone, and then 2 other voice mails that were slightly more calm.

I was horrified. I haven’t spoken to DS yet about it, I’m due to collect him tonight and I think that he’s left these messages to curry favour with his dad. But they really are awful.

I sent a copy of the text message to his dad so he could see what I’m receiving and he wrote back with a torrent of abuse about how DS gets all this from me, what a terrible parent I am and that this is just evidence of it.

How on earth do I handle this?

Hi OP I think you're doing really well I would just add that I think he needs professional help. Even adults struggle to tell when they're being manipulated and being played off one parent against the other. I think only a neutral person will help him work out what's really going on (as if he tries it himself he will have someone on his shoulder saying 'that's what she wants you to think' etc)

How do I find someone? And how do I know that they will be able to steer him and not take sides?

Outofdepthmum I am so sorry. Good that your update shows your son is hurting and was trying to hurt you, rather than that he actually feels these bad things about you.

Your ex is being really horrible and his behavior is totally unacceptable.

I think your son does need professional help.

In terms of your ex's behaviour, I think you need some advice on how to handle this. Sadly, I don't have any advice but I do think it's totally unacceptable for him to behave like this.

"...he wrote back with a torrent of abuse about how DS gets all this from me, what a terrible parent I am and that this is just evidence of it."

He sounds both incredibly rude and pretty stupid too. There must be some advice on how to minimize contact between you both so you only need to discuss things about the kids.

Obviously, not good he is hurting but good he is able to tell you.

The way your DS spoke to you is a result of a problem, not the problem itself. Kids are wired to keep themselves safe and he will have been acting in self defence in front of his dad. Try not to take it personally, get him some counselling or someone to talk to if you can.

You can't control your EXH behaviour, only your own. Make sure he has nobody to battle against and he will get bored in time. You need to take yourself out of the equation as much as possible, if you get any more calls of this nature it's ok to put the phone down, and then turn it off.

This!!!!!

Your Ex wants your attention and the only way he can get it is via your son. By contacting your Ex, you are giving him exactly what he wants and ensuring you get more of the same. Your Ex can not be reasoned with, so don’t bother.

Your son is being been abused by his father and he needs immediate professional support.