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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do I get into a relationship

19 replies

BurnerAccount39 · 19/09/2022 16:46

So im not a woman (Im a man) who is 25 years old and have never been in a relationship or done anything sexual with a woman before (Never even kissed a woman before) but at times I worry that I'll always be single.

Id say that I have a good head on my shoulders, I have a good paying job and plan on moving out of my parents gaff by next year, Im athletic, tall, have hobbies/interests and I do take good care of my appearance. I do also spend some money on my appearance so im not sure if that turns off women

On tinder and other dating sites I can never get a single match. I made sure to take decent photos and in my bio I mentioned that I was looking for a relationship because Im just not really into the idea of casual sex although I do have a high sex drive myself lol.

I have tried approaching women but it just never works out and Im more of a quiet/introverted lad although im not shy.

When it comes to women im not that picky and I dont have a type although the physical attraction has to be there. I just want that family life and becoming a father is what I want in life, Thats the reason why for years I have been saving up money and working towards a good paying job because I want to make sure that my future family doesnt struggle financially. I know women can make thier own money but if my wife is on maternity leave or wants to be a stay at home mother then I want to be able to support that.

And no, Im not going to leave all household chours or child rearing duties for my wife to do while I fuck off up to the pub. My father was like that and even tho I love my father but I felt like my mother always deserved better, he never made an effort and his father (my grandad) was also the same as him although my grandad was in prison for most of his life so my father never really had a male role model in his life growing up.

Its just that if I do meet a woman then I have anxiety when it comes to meeting her family because what if they dont like me? I also have a fear that my wife will cheat on me, I'll end up in a sexless relationship, she'll want an open relationship or will secretly be a lesbian (its a very strange fear but I've just read stories of women in thier 30s-40s suddenly becoming lesbian).

By the way I know sex isnt everything and I know there will be times that my wife might not feel like having sex which is fine but I dont think I could stay in a relationship that is sexless if you know what I mean

OP posts:
IDespairOfTheHumanRace · 19/09/2022 17:43

Seriously?

DucklingDaisy · 19/09/2022 18:07

If you’re not marching with people on tinder, either you’re only swiping right on women who aren’t going to be interested in your for whatever reason (maybe very physically attractive?) or the platform just isn’t right for you, and you’re not managing to put yourself across well.

Might you have better luck meeting women in real life? Through friends of friends or hobbies, rather than clubbing or similar, if you’re shy.

DatingDinosaur · 19/09/2022 18:11

Are you the same guy who was posting the other day about wanting to shag women and father children but couldn’t be arsed with “the romance” of it all?
Do you objectify women too?

BurnerAccount39 · 19/09/2022 18:28

@DatingDinosaur lol that aint me, what a nutter who ever said that but I think both sexes objectify each other to a certain degree. I will admit that I have done it in the past with women but I do it quietly in my mind.

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 19/09/2022 18:44

Well in that case, you’re massively overthinking the rest of your life – talking about wives and children and maternity leave?

It’s great having a Life Plan but seriously, knock thinking that far ahead on the head for now and concentrate on swiping right on a few more people, doing hobbies that get you meeting people and building friendships, even seeing if friends know anyone.

The dating and romance will come as a natural progression of that even though you could go on a hundred dates and not click with one of them.

It’s all part of the Rich Tapestry of Life which has a habit of not turning out the way you imagined or hoped anyway so just live in the here and now, for now.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/09/2022 18:51

Its just that if I do meet a woman then I have anxiety when it comes to meeting her family because what if they dont like me? I also have a fear that my wife will cheat on me, I'll end up in a sexless relationship, she'll want an open relationship or will secretly be a lesbian (its a very strange fear but I've just read stories of women in thier 30s-40s suddenly becoming lesbian).

If this is really how you feel, well adjusted women can smell anxiety, insecurity and paranoia like this a mile away. You need help to deal with this, because it's definitely not normal to think this way.

BurnerAccount39 · 19/09/2022 18:56

@DatingDinosaur lol Im a massive overthinker not gonna lie but I do try everything in my power to make myself as attactive as possible. Its just that When you go out to clubs and you'll see men/your mates getting with women while your being left on the shelf it does make you feel like your unattractive or that there is something wrong with you.

I also feel ashamed of still being a virgin and not having my first kiss at 25

OP posts:
IDespairOfTheHumanRace · 19/09/2022 23:57

I smell incel

JenJones5 · 20/09/2022 00:05

If you are in a good career then still living at home at twenty-five may be a bit off-putting for women who are a similar age to you.

I know that it’s more common than it once was, but it’s still a bit strange.

Are you living “as an adult” in other respects, as in cooking your own meals, doing your own laundry, etc?

Monty27 · 20/09/2022 00:13

Yeah. Right.
You don't seem very interesting posting on here. Better than being a prick but only you can decide.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/09/2022 00:14

You aren't even in a relationship, yet you already expect a woman to cheat, withhold sex, or be a closet lesbian. Where did this pathological mistrust of women come from? It's quite alarming.

Meili04 · 20/09/2022 00:20

You sound a bit immature. Yes a relationship involves sex but a long term relationship is about friendship enjoying spending time together, being friends and supporting eachother through hard times as well as sex . I'm not allowed to have sex for 6 weeks due to a procedure. My DH has taken me the hospital and supported me through this. We are life partners first perhaps you need to focus on building connections instead of seeking to shag. Try to see a woman as a person instead of a potential conquest.

ChipsRoastOrBoiled · 20/09/2022 00:34

You've posted some daft 'info' on another thread, about female sexual attraction and seem very convinced you're 100% right.

If you're a troll, go away. If not, you need to broaden your thinking about women before you even start to think about dating.

JenJones5 · 20/09/2022 00:38

JenJones5 · 20/09/2022 00:05

If you are in a good career then still living at home at twenty-five may be a bit off-putting for women who are a similar age to you.

I know that it’s more common than it once was, but it’s still a bit strange.

Are you living “as an adult” in other respects, as in cooking your own meals, doing your own laundry, etc?

Forget this post OP. I can see from your post on the other thread (where it seems pretty likely that you are the OP too) that you’ve a bit too much incel energy going on.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/09/2022 00:54

I just read the complete and utter bullshit you wrote on that other thread. Fucking hell. You really don't have a clue and your dislike of women is quite apparent.

wellhelloitsme · 20/09/2022 14:26

Just pasting what I posted on another thread as I think it would be helpful for you.

For a start, consider whether mansplaining female sexuality to women, then saying you've browsed Reddit and it proves they're wrong when they disagree with your statement about their own sexual preferences, is a good idea.

Spoiler alert... it's not.

Having read your other one, you admit yourself that you have insecurities about a woman leaving you for another woman. Stop projecting that insecurity onto literally every woman in the world (by saying none are truly straight, even if they claim they are) and you will be a more attractive prospect for a partner..

And below is some commentary on the study explaining how reductive and tbh offensive the 'findings' are. And I say that as a bisexual woman.

--

Such findings might seem “revolutionary,” but when researchers use totalizing words like “never” when describing a highly intricate concept, they tend to reduce complexities more than they highlight them, which further perpetuates the familiar (and problematic) narrative of the woman as a highly sexual and unknowing object, and the scientist as the superior, omniscient being.
Queen’s University Meredith Chivers came to that conclusion after conducting a 2007 study similar to that of the Essex researchers. Said Chivers, who presented participants clips of naked men and women and monitored viewers’ blood flow, “To conclude that women are bisexual on the basis of their sexual responding overlooks the complexity and multidimensionality of female sexuality.”

Policy Mic says blanket statements about sexuality aren’t exactly nuanced statements about sexuality
“Evolutionary explanations aside, Rieger’s findings overlook a host of outside factors, particularly the sexualization of women in the media, which could contribute even to straight women’s perceptions of other female bodies as sexual objects. Men’s bodies aren’t sexualized or objectified in the same way (in fact, it’s not even close). Our culture’s tendency to objectify women’s bodies, which has been chronicled again and again and again, teaches us to conclude that women are invariably sexual objects, regardless of whether we actually want to have sex with them.

Furthermore, Rieger’s study neglected to address the fact that it’s generally more socially acceptable for women to self-identify as bisexual than it is for men, due in no small part to cultural tropes that fetishize women having sex with other women. Such tropes, combined with the idea that women in general are more likely to be objectified than men, might play a role in conditioning women to respond to other female bodies with sexual arousal, regardless of whether they self-identify as straight or gay.”

Regardless of whether you buy the idea that sexual orientation can be defined by something as primal as pupil dilation, or that the study is just the latest example of expert attempts to define and “know” female sexuality more than the sexuality possessing woman herself, the study generated some impassioned responses by the media and public writ large:

AskMen calls study “ludicrous”
“Saying “sorry ladies, but you’re all a buncha queers” because they express a minute physical response at the sight of, well, anything is ludicrous. I don’t have access to the full study text to check the methodology and control parameters, but I’m willing to bet that if you tell people they’re participating in a study about human sexuality and will be viewing some sexy videos, their pumps are going to be somewhat primed.

Here’s a better way to identify who (and what) people are attracted to, if you need that information for some reason: Ask them, and then believe them.”

Frith2013 · 20/09/2022 14:55

If you spend a lot of money on your appearance, do you a) wear those weird tight trousers, b) wear shoes without socks or c) have ridiculous sculpted eyebrows?

It could be something as simple as that.

VatofTea · 20/09/2022 15:07

When you meet someone you like, say Hi, Introduce yourself, exchange names, smile and ask them about themselves/their day/their weekend. Ask if they would like a coffee sometime. Go on lots of coffee dates from Tinder or whatever, just to get used to chatting to women.

Stop catastrophizing your future life.

Maybe you ll end up a happy divorcee, or marry several times or not at all. The white picket fence rarely works out. Stop over thinking.

User135644 · 20/09/2022 15:10

DucklingDaisy · 19/09/2022 18:07

If you’re not marching with people on tinder, either you’re only swiping right on women who aren’t going to be interested in your for whatever reason (maybe very physically attractive?) or the platform just isn’t right for you, and you’re not managing to put yourself across well.

Might you have better luck meeting women in real life? Through friends of friends or hobbies, rather than clubbing or similar, if you’re shy.

Most men rarely get genuine matches on Tinder, it's a lot different for women.

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