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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help am I right or being insecure?

24 replies

Stephanielou1987 · 19/09/2022 11:31

Hi I have recently started a new relationship, it's been two months and we are starting to make plans to spend more time together and go out and do things as couple not just sex. This is all great but he's not really saying why he wants to be with me and he has said that feels lonely as his son has moved out. He also has a female friend who he is very close with and he says that there's nothing between them and there is quite a distance between them so it's not like they meet up alot and I have been fine with this until I found out he also messages her saying morning gorgeous something he does to me and I thought only me because I'm his girlfriend. He calls me his girlfriend and has told his friends about me so I'm trying to tell myself that he wouldn't do that if he wasn't serious about me. I don't feel like I can talk to him about this as when I have tried he's just made me feel bad and said I'm being insecure and that he's not going to be punished for my past relationships who have made me that way. I just don't want to let him in and find out he's only with me because he's lonely or because he can't be with the woman he's friends with.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/09/2022 11:43

He is not the man for you and there are some red flags already re him you cannot ignore (he’s made you feel bad after trying to talk to him about this, his mention of your apparent insecurity, his insistence about not being punished for your past relationships).

If this is how you feel after a mere two months, imagine how you’re going to feel after twelve months. I would now end this by saying this is no longer working for you and wish him well. then I would block and delete.

Watchkeys · 19/09/2022 13:02

I don't feel like I can talk to him about this as when I have tried he's just made me feel bad and said I'm being insecure and that he's not going to be punished for my past relationships who have made me that way

It's over. Nobody who cared about how you felt would deal with this issue in this way. He's not interested in how you feel, he's interested in doing what suits him.

Stay with him at your peril. All the signs are there of a relationship where your feelings will be sidelined.

Ohahjustalittlebit · 19/09/2022 13:19

He has two girlfriends. You are the convenient one that lives closer by.

Get rid of him.

minticecreamisjustok · 19/09/2022 13:21

I wouldn't personally put up with a bf who had a close female friend who he calls gorgeous. Listen to the way you feel about it.

Readaboutyourself · 19/09/2022 13:25

Watchkeys · 19/09/2022 13:02

It's over. Nobody who cared about how you felt would deal with this issue in this way. He's not interested in how you feel, he's interested in doing what suits him.

Stay with him at your peril. All the signs are there of a relationship where your feelings will be sidelined.

100%

Original poster

Stephanielou1987 · 19/09/2022 13:27

I have tried not to be insecure about his friendship with this woman, he keeps telling me that he's not attracted to her etc but they know absolutely everything about each other, I feel like he's not telling me or giving me anything that doesn't give her except for the sex and he's pushed me to be friends with her. He's driving down to see her next weekend because she's just split up with her boyfriend and he wants to be there for her, he's taking his daughter as his daughter and her daughter are friends. It's also the fact that he's not saying why he wants to be with me but then he talks about our future and making plans so then I think it's just me being insecure, he wouldn't be doing that if he wasn't genuine right?

OP posts:

whythou111 · 19/09/2022 13:34

@Stephanielou1987 I’m so sorry! Time to run, run, run. I suggest you might also consider not sleeping with the next potential partner too soon unless you are 100% sure you want a no strings attached relationship (it doesn’t sound like this would be your first choice from your post).

It’s best to have a bit of a commitment first, more empowering and you are less likely to end up in this sort of situation. It’s annoying I know, but unfortunately this kind of arrangement, sex first then relationship stuff, tends to put women on the back foot. Completely fine if you don’t want any relationship but bad for your self esteem otherwise.

You really need to bite the bullet here though, leave him, permanently, no complaints, no chats, no trying to sort out- it will just waste your time. lots of not just red flags here but signs saying “Stop, road closed ahead” you deserve better.

whythou111 · 19/09/2022 13:40

“he talks about our future and making plans so then I think it's just me being insecure, he wouldn't be doing that if he wasn't genuine right?”

afraid not, I know it’s crazy but a lot of men “future fake”. He calls his best female friend gorgeous, she’s broken up with her partner, he’s travelling to see her. He may be using you to make himself more desirable to her, or he may not even realise yet that it’s her he’s after. Just don’t make the mistake of thinking he’ll be fair, reasonable, rational. Men give themselves a lot of free passes generally compared to women, but in this sort of situation some of them will blow your mind how out of order they can be. Sorry OP, hold your head high, move on, you will feel much better about yourself in the long run if you do.

minticecreamisjustok · 19/09/2022 13:44

It seems the friend is already taking priority over you, odd in a new relationship.
He's hoping he's in with a chance now she has no bf, especially as you won't be around.

Original poster

Stephanielou1987 · 19/09/2022 13:49

I think deep down he does want to be with her, he says no because of the distance between them and that they aren't compatible sexually. We do have a great time together and we have had nights where we have just sat up all night and talked no sex and we do have a good connection. I just don't want to ruin something good because I'm being too much in my own head.

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 19/09/2022 14:04

You can't think yourself out of being who you are, OP. Your feelings need to be respected. By you, more than anyone else. If something doesn't feel right to you, it's not right for you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/09/2022 14:11

"I just don't want to ruin something good because I'm being too much in my own head".

Respect your own self and feelings here. You are not doing this.

If this is your version of what good is I would hate to think what your version of bad would be. This individual is NO good for you end of. Continue with this at your emotional peril, this man likes the fact that two women are vying for his affections.

Dery · 19/09/2022 14:14

I have a slightly different view on this - you’ve said a couple of times that he’s not said why he wants to be with you. But IME people don’t precisely say why they want to be with someone. If you’re together and having a good time, that’s presumably why you’re together.

There are no guarantees as to how your relationship will turn out. You have to feel your way. But it’s very early days - only 2 months - and it seems a bit early to me to be doing anything other than seeing how it goes and it does sound like, overall, it’s going pretty well.

This other female friend has been around a long time and is important to him. You’re new on the scene but you could well become more important in time. I think it’s probably a good sign that he wants you to meet her.

It sounds a bit as if you’re looking for guarantees that you won’t get hurt but no-one can guarantee that ever. But the alternative is never to try and then you miss out on all the fun stuff that comes with a good relationship.

Original poster

Stephanielou1987 · 19/09/2022 14:31

@Dery that's kind of what I'm trying to do, not question why we wants to be with me just enjoy the fact that he does. We go out and do things together, he holds my hand when we are out he doesn't treat me like a dirty little secret. Like you said I'm just wanting some reassurance that he's not going to hurt me but there's no guarantees and I should relax and enjoy which i was doing until I saw the message to his friend saying morning gorgeous and it's made me feel all vulnerable xx

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 19/09/2022 18:01

it does sound like, overall, it’s going pretty well

Except that when she tries to talk to him about something that's bothering her, he makes her feel bad. Do you really think that sounds like the makings of a healthy relationship?

Original poster

Stephanielou1987 · 27/09/2022 07:09

Thank you everyone for your advice, just wanted to update and let you all know that I ended things with him. He was the one calling me his girlfriend and telling people about me, telling me that as far as he was concerned we were in a proper relationship so I said ok then let's start spending more time together on a weekend and suggesting things we could do together and suddenly it was moving to fast and stressing him out. I am not going to have my emotions played with like that, licking my wounds abit that I was taken in by him but I will be fine xx

OP posts:

rcat74 · 27/09/2022 07:12

Well done, I think you did the right thing and deserve more. Be strong and block his number.

whythou111 · 27/09/2022 08:46

Stephanielou1987 · 27/09/2022 07:09

Well done @Stephanielou1987 , it’s not easy but it’s clearly the right decision. Relationships shouldn’t be this hard work! Sending strength

Bookworm20 · 27/09/2022 11:41

You definitely did the right thing. And you were not insecure at all. You only felt that way because what he was doing was actually creating insecurity.
If someone loves you they do not text morning gorgeous to someone else, and if they did and you questioned them they would stop, apologise and understand how inappropriate it was and actually listen to you. Not dismiss how you felt about it in the way he did with you.

Also if this was simply a no attraction friendship, then he would have had no issue inviting you along on the weekend he was visiting her in order for you to meet her and prove to you it was a normal friendship (which is obviously wasn't).

Stay strong, you deserve someone who appreciates you and listens to you and who does not make you feel insecure.

OldFan · 27/09/2022 11:56

Hi I have recently started a new relationship, it's been two months and we are starting to make plans to spend more time together and go out and do things as couple not just sex

I'm glad if you binned him @Stephanielou1987 but I think if you started with dates etc rather than sex, you'dve found out what he was like even more quickly, because your focus would've been entirely on discerning what he was like in real life earlier, rather than just in bed. So that would be my suggestion for future boyfriends. Sex can give everything a fuzzy glow that distracts us from a man's character. And you might even have spotted the messages earlier.

maddy68 · 27/09/2022 12:15

Big no no.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 27/09/2022 12:40

they aren't compatible sexually

So they've had sex in the past then? Otherwise how could he know this?

Unless what he really means is "she says she won't fuck me unless we're in a relationship, and I can't be arsed moving house"

All sounds very cosy going to visit with his daughter, so their kids can hang out and he can dry her tears over her breakup...

Original poster

Stephanielou1987 · 27/09/2022 12:57

I absolutely agree that he was making insecure and then saying it's all me when I tried to talk to him about it. I admit because of my past relationships I can be insecure but it only happens if there's a reason not just out of nowhere and he was definitely giving me red flags xx

OP posts:

Original poster

Stephanielou1987 · 27/09/2022 16:20

They haven't had sex, they met online and started chatting and according to him realised that they weren't into the same things sexually and also she lives over 3 hour drive away so agreed to stay friends. But right from the start he was pushing me to talk to her and be her friends with her and talking to her about things and calling her gorgeous. Considering I was supposed to be his gf there wasn't any difference between the language he was using with me and her, I think he wants to be with her but can't due to distance so trying to mould someone closer into her. There's lots of red flags but if you call him out then he just turns it back on you xx

OP posts:

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