Husband and I have been together for 8 years, have 2 children age 7 and 5. When we first met he was so lovely to me, said all the right things (as they do) and was full of compliments etc (looking back it's probably because he was basically living off me!) Fast forward to a few weeks after our wedding, he started to become critical of small things and making comments about me/things I said which he didn't 'like' - as I was dealing with a newborn who needed a lot of attention I put it down to baby related stress and the massive change on life he was getting used to. We bumbled along 'ok-ish' but every few weeks there would be a new thing he took issue with or he would start some arguement about a perceived slight made against his mum (I've never said anything horrible about her and actually get on very well with her) thinking back I should have put my foot down then and said we sort this or go out separate ways but instead I just kept quite, grew sadder and ended up pregnant again (by this time we were rarely intimate). My pregnancy with our son was tough and I had a lot of issues which led to early delivery - after his birth things seemed to improve but we're still not right and my husband would still make nasty comments about me and how he perceived me to be. Now years down the line, I have finally gone back to work full time, got a big pay rise which means I earn almost as much as him and it seems to have tipped him over the edge. I know he's never really seen me as is 'family' - that would be his mum, dad and siblings. He sees the children as a burden most of the time, makes promises to them he won't keep, screams and shouts, over reacts to normal young child behaviour and thinks anything the drs say is 'wrong with' our children (not the right words I know!) Is not correct (allergies, eyesight issues etc) and he belittles their terror of dogs calling them babies for being scared (then says he was scared of dogs when he was little bit wasn't so babyish about it?!?!) I defend our children, tell them they have nothing to be ashamed of, fear is real and we are working on it very slowly. I also make sure they go to their appointments and I will always advocate for them. As for me he has nothing nice to say to me at all. He constantly tells me I have mental health issues, I am depressed, I can't cope with work, I hate everyone and I walk around like an old crone looking for sympathy for things but need to realised we all get tired and all have pain and to shut up! I have no mental health/depression issues, I am doing really well at work, got promoted, getting my more projects constantly to work on and my bosses are really happy with me. I have spoken to friends and close colleagues to check how I come across to them and they all say I am funny and positive but they can tell when he's had one of his outbursts at me . He's already walked out three times this year and comes back.. I never asked him to return and never said it was ok. Just got told 'I pay the rent it's my home and where I work' (house is in my name only - he only pays the rent I pay for everything else )
It all came to a head last Friday, I had a bad fall when on my lunchtime walk and ended up really hurting my right knee and arm (I already have right sided hip bursitis). I also have a chronic pain condition which affects my right arm/hand/shoulder and head so wasn't ideal that I added to this. I got home from work and just wanted to sort the kids then get in the bath to clean up and soothe my knee a bit. I ended up being told I was a miserable old crone always wanting sympathy and negative and horrible to live with he couldn't bear to be near me and went out for the night. I hadn't said anything, but I was struggling to sit down as bending my knee was rather painful. After this I really didn't want anything to do with him, he thinks he can have these outburst (he said a lot more that I have put here) then expect me to apologise, promise to change and beg forgiveness - I am not doing that as I haven't done or been any of the things he accuses me of (apparently hes been like this all his life and his family don't like it but say it's just his way) we spoke only about the children and he went to his mums every night, coming home to sleep. I would wake up to find him trying to cuddle me (and more) and removed myself from the room until he was asleep again as I don't have the energy for more arguements. On Wednesday it was our sons 5th birthday, I got home at 5.40 to find he has arranged his mum and brother to come over and his dad to video call as well as food arriving at the same time.. ok that's dealable with but did stress our son out as he's not comfortable with chaos so he wasn't as involved in everything as my husband thought he should be. We got through the food but our son then got upset about being watched eating his birthday cookie and wanted to retreat to the kitchen (he does this a lot around his grandmother and uncle) so as I was in the kitchen washing up he came and sat quietly to eat his cookie. His sister meanwhile was told to be on her tablet to keep her quiet.. but as her grandmother then decided she wanted to speak to her all o could hear was my daughter being shouted and screamed at by her father. She had politely asked him if she could have 1 minute to finish a trade and he made a grab for her tablet screaming at her. Trying to keep things calm I suggested she was allowed to finish the trade (as she was put on her tablet by my husband anyway as it suited him) and then no more tablet until the next day. He then started screaming at me about undermining him, how he hates me and everything about me, how I am a passive aggressive bitch etc (all in front of our daughter and 'his family') I stayed calm, got my daughter upstairs, didn't raise my voice and said I was just trying to resolve the issue without ruining our sons birthday. It took 30 mins to calm down our daughter and she couldn't even hear his voice without screaming/shaking.. husband was in the lounge thinking I couldn't hear him saying our daughter was an over dramatic brat, all crocodile tears, his mother joining in. When I went downstairs our son was running around saying his sister ruined his birthday and when I said it wasn't ruined she was just upset I was told I was wrong and to calm down. Husband then left with 'his family' leaving me to get the children to bed both of whom were upset. Since then all he's said is he won't take back anything he said and stands by it all. It's all on my apparently to change who I am and make him happy - I just want to tell him to givevhis head a wobble and fuck off but I need to remain calm for the children's sake. I guess I need a hand hold and guidance on what to do. I don't claim to be perfect but I am not miserable, depressed or an old crone ffs. I do everything for everyone, work hard, have no time to myself whilst he works from home (some days does barely any actual work), goes out whenever he wants and wastes money (he in no way fairly contributes to the family as his essential expenditure consists of his mobile, cigarettes and going out 🙄) I pretty much do everything as a single parent anyway and atm can't see what he actually brings to the relationship?