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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Time to call it quits?

10 replies

a647gjf · 19/09/2022 08:05

I know deep down my partner isn't right for me. In the past he's been emotionally abusive. He's screamed in my face, threatened to hit me, physically intimidated me. I left him because of it in March but I stupidly went back to him. However, since I went back he hasn't been like it with me since, granted he's shouted a few times but he hasn't flown off the handle anywhere near like he used to. But there's other reasons as well. I don't trust him for many, many reasons. He's cheated on me, with at least 6 women that I know of. I have no concrete evidence of physical cheating, just sexting and reaching out to his exes, some messages imply meeting up but these messages were over Snapchat and not all messages saved. He denies anything physical happened. He doesn't understand why I don't trust him. There's also some financial issues. He's almost got us evicted by not paying rent for 4 months. This is still ongoing. He has a lot of debt including CCJs that I previously had no idea about. This was someone I thought I could build a future with. Then there's the whole parenting styles. Very different. He can't respect how I parent, will critique my parenting approach in front of the kids. I should note, we both have children from previous relationships, we don't have any together. His children blatantly disrespect me due to how he criticises how I parent in front of them.

The problem is, I love him. Deeply love him and I feel guilty for giving up on us. I wish I had enough self worth to have never gone back to him. I know that I'm doing the right thing by leaving but it's so scary. I'm scared I'll regret it. I feel so guilty. Has anyone ever been in this situation who has actually left and can tell me it gets easier?

OP posts:
Iamblossom · 19/09/2022 08:10

It would be hard to imagine someone describing a person less worthy of staying in a relationship with tbh.

I don't doubt your love for him, but I would suggest he does not deserve it and you would be so much better off giving that love to someone who does.?

Making such a big change is very scary, but imagine how much happier you will be when you no longer have this negative, draining, deceitful, undeserving influence in your life! Freedom!

Do what you would truly wish your child would do if they found themselves in the same situation.

Be brave! Choose yourself and your own happiness. You only get one chance at life, give yourself what you deserve.

KangarooKenny · 19/09/2022 08:14

Wow, get out for your sake, and for your kids sake. Thank god he’s a DP and not a DH, so much easier to end it.
You seem to feel a lot of guilt, yet he’s the one guilty of abuse and affairs.
I’d suggest you need to work on your self respect, to see that you are worth better than this.

Bumpsadaisie · 19/09/2022 08:25

a647gjf · 19/09/2022 08:05

I know deep down my partner isn't right for me. In the past he's been emotionally abusive. He's screamed in my face, threatened to hit me, physically intimidated me. I left him because of it in March but I stupidly went back to him. However, since I went back he hasn't been like it with me since, granted he's shouted a few times but he hasn't flown off the handle anywhere near like he used to. But there's other reasons as well. I don't trust him for many, many reasons. He's cheated on me, with at least 6 women that I know of. I have no concrete evidence of physical cheating, just sexting and reaching out to his exes, some messages imply meeting up but these messages were over Snapchat and not all messages saved. He denies anything physical happened. He doesn't understand why I don't trust him. There's also some financial issues. He's almost got us evicted by not paying rent for 4 months. This is still ongoing. He has a lot of debt including CCJs that I previously had no idea about. This was someone I thought I could build a future with. Then there's the whole parenting styles. Very different. He can't respect how I parent, will critique my parenting approach in front of the kids. I should note, we both have children from previous relationships, we don't have any together. His children blatantly disrespect me due to how he criticises how I parent in front of them.

The problem is, I love him. Deeply love him and I feel guilty for giving up on us. I wish I had enough self worth to have never gone back to him. I know that I'm doing the right thing by leaving but it's so scary. I'm scared I'll regret it. I feel so guilty. Has anyone ever been in this situation who has actually left and can tell me it gets easier?

He sounds appalling. Serial cheater, debts, violent, terrible parent. In fact he ticks all the bad boxes in the book.

You have to ask yourself why in earth you are choosing to be with him.

You think you love him, but that's not love. It's your dependence and your fear of being alone, maybe even feeling excited about how bad he is. It's not love.

In order to work through your dependence needs you probably need a dependent relationship with someone who can help you grow and become more independent. But with a reliable helpful person - such as a therapist - not with this guy.

You're trying to depend on someone who is really not able to give you what you need.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/09/2022 08:26

What is there to at all love about such a man?. Are you actually mixing up love for him here with actually being codependent?. He probably targeted you because of your empathetic nature and piss poor boundaries (skewed by previous abusive and or poor relationship experience) which he has further gone onto exploit.

What did you learn about relationships from your parents when you were growing up?. Did your dad treat your mum like you have been by this man?. Not surprisingly either his children act just like him.

Sod feeling guilty too as it's a clearly useless emotion here. You need to think about why you feel guilty at all when he clearly does not. Do not get bogged down either in your sunk costs; all this about "giving up on us" is an example of the sunk costs fallacy. Do consider therapy alongside enrolling yourself onto the Freedom Programme.

crystalize · 19/09/2022 08:28

Your self worth sounds like it is severely lacking if you are in love with this horrific man. I know you feel like you love him but I suspect this is more trauma bonding. Do you not feel you deserve to be treated way better than this?

It's natural to feel scared and regretful when you first leave. You have to give yourself time to recover. Don't enter into any more relationships for a while until you are in a much stronger place. Nurture yourself, look into therapy as to why you are tolerating abusive neglectful relationships. There are many resources online and Youtube for free videos that can help you recover. Lisa Romano and Dr Ramani on Youtube are especially good.

Also your poor children need to be away from this toxicity. Go cold turkey and block him everywhere. If you stay or get back with him he will drag you down and ruin you and your kids lives.

Bumpsadaisie · 19/09/2022 09:30

If I were William, I would be looking at my son George and feeling sad that he won't have the choices in life that his other children - and his royal cousins - will have.

I think attending the funeral of the queen could help George to understand what it is all about and how significant the Queen has been. And this might help him accept and come to terms with the fact that he doesn't have a free choice even when all the other children in his life do.

Maytodecember · 19/09/2022 10:05

I think maybe you’re mistaking love for reliance?
He cheats with other women ( even without proof of sexual infidelity he’s shown intent)
He lies about money and debt.
He’s failed to pay rent
He belittles you in front of children —- this causes emotional harm to you and all the children involved. They are all learning this is how men behave, it’s ok to accept it.
How do you see your life in 5 years time? Rebellious children, angry children who lash out verbally ( because that’s what they’ve learnt)? You with this man who can cheat with whoever he wants because there are no consequences and you’re his verbal punchball?
why would your life improve if you stay with him?

a647gjf · 19/09/2022 10:20

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/09/2022 08:26

What is there to at all love about such a man?. Are you actually mixing up love for him here with actually being codependent?. He probably targeted you because of your empathetic nature and piss poor boundaries (skewed by previous abusive and or poor relationship experience) which he has further gone onto exploit.

What did you learn about relationships from your parents when you were growing up?. Did your dad treat your mum like you have been by this man?. Not surprisingly either his children act just like him.

Sod feeling guilty too as it's a clearly useless emotion here. You need to think about why you feel guilty at all when he clearly does not. Do not get bogged down either in your sunk costs; all this about "giving up on us" is an example of the sunk costs fallacy. Do consider therapy alongside enrolling yourself onto the Freedom Programme.

Thank you for this.

I didn't have any of it growing up. Though, I did have an absent father and no other father figure. Which I'm sure has something to do with my poor relationship choices. I'm on the waiting list for counselling at the moment as I'm hoping to explore this further.

Thank you, I hadn't heard of the freedom programme before. Just looked into it and I've sent some emails to enrol on the programme.

OP posts:
a647gjf · 19/09/2022 10:27

Thank you for all your replies. You're all absolutely right and reinforced what I already know deep down. I suppose I was just having a bit of a wobble because he's been so nice to me over the weekend. But I know it's the right thing to do, and my leaving date is already set, just seems so daunting as it grows closer because I'm scared of telling him. He won't see it coming because I've tolerated and enabled his shit for so long, my own fault I know.
As someone has already mentioned, I think a 'trauma bond' is exactly what's going on here. Side note, I'm on the NHS waiting list for counselling. If anyone can recommend any books that I can read in the meantime to help I'd be really grateful.

OP posts:
Bumpsadaisie · 19/09/2022 10:28

Bumpsadaisie · 19/09/2022 09:30

If I were William, I would be looking at my son George and feeling sad that he won't have the choices in life that his other children - and his royal cousins - will have.

I think attending the funeral of the queen could help George to understand what it is all about and how significant the Queen has been. And this might help him accept and come to terms with the fact that he doesn't have a free choice even when all the other children in his life do.

Oops wrong thread - sorry!

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