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Original poster

Amazing sex = bad relationship?

21 replies

YouFillMyHeadWithYou · 18/09/2022 20:51

Just my musings but interested to hear if this rings true for anyone else.
I read something recently that kinda made sense...maybe it's something obvious to others but it was a light bulb moment for me!
My ex was the best sex of my life. He was amazing in bed. But what fueled a lot of the awesomeness was our desire for each other. We couldn't get enough of each other. We were very physical with each other. Always touching in some way- holding hands, his arm around me, hand on my knee. I absolutely loved that, like he couldn't keep his hands off me. I felt wanted. We were together 18 months and that lust never faded. I thought it was amazing.
But, the thing I've recently read... is that we want sex more frequently and urgently in the early stages of a relationship in order to feel closer to that person. Our brain wants to bond with that person to secure the attachment and sex is one way to do that. When that attachment becomes more secure, your brain doesn't need to reinforce that attachment and so the desire for sex reduces. So, if you're no longer craving sex, it can be a sign that you have a strong, secure relationship.
That is something me and my ex never had. We had a very volatile relationship. There were lots of heated arguments (with crazy make up sex afterwards). We didn't work as a couple, we were not right for each other, but I was so clouded by the incredible sex, I didn't want to see it. I wanted him. A lot. Despite knowing deep down we were not right for each other. But I feel like I was addicted to him. Always going back time and time again after arguments.
So that realisation makes me sad... I thought I loved him and the sex was the best thing in the world... but really I was probably just constantly trying to feel close to him, to feel secure with him. And he clearly never made feel that way.
And I've been looking to try and replicate that incredible sex with someone new. That level of chemistry and desire. Always comparing it, feeling sad that I'll likely never have it again with someone else. But now I see... that amazing sex/desire... it does not make for a great relationship and I've probably been going about it all wrong lately.

OP posts:
Summerslam · 18/09/2022 20:57

I had a similar relationship in my early 20's, where the sex was amazing but the actual day to day stuff was horrible. He was a faddy eater and a big drinker, very quick to get angry, always falling out with people he worked with, had a bust up in the street when someone bumped his car, but because of the great sex, I managed to ignore all the warning signs that he was a wrong 'un.

Eventually his anger turned on me and he clobbered me with a pewter pint pot, knocking me unconscious and fracturing my skull. When I woke up (in hospital) the sensible part of my brain also woke up and I never saw him again.

Catlover1970 · 18/09/2022 21:21

YouFillMyHeadWithYou · 18/09/2022 20:51

Just my musings but interested to hear if this rings true for anyone else.
I read something recently that kinda made sense...maybe it's something obvious to others but it was a light bulb moment for me!
My ex was the best sex of my life. He was amazing in bed. But what fueled a lot of the awesomeness was our desire for each other. We couldn't get enough of each other. We were very physical with each other. Always touching in some way- holding hands, his arm around me, hand on my knee. I absolutely loved that, like he couldn't keep his hands off me. I felt wanted. We were together 18 months and that lust never faded. I thought it was amazing.
But, the thing I've recently read... is that we want sex more frequently and urgently in the early stages of a relationship in order to feel closer to that person. Our brain wants to bond with that person to secure the attachment and sex is one way to do that. When that attachment becomes more secure, your brain doesn't need to reinforce that attachment and so the desire for sex reduces. So, if you're no longer craving sex, it can be a sign that you have a strong, secure relationship.
That is something me and my ex never had. We had a very volatile relationship. There were lots of heated arguments (with crazy make up sex afterwards). We didn't work as a couple, we were not right for each other, but I was so clouded by the incredible sex, I didn't want to see it. I wanted him. A lot. Despite knowing deep down we were not right for each other. But I feel like I was addicted to him. Always going back time and time again after arguments.
So that realisation makes me sad... I thought I loved him and the sex was the best thing in the world... but really I was probably just constantly trying to feel close to him, to feel secure with him. And he clearly never made feel that way.
And I've been looking to try and replicate that incredible sex with someone new. That level of chemistry and desire. Always comparing it, feeling sad that I'll likely never have it again with someone else. But now I see... that amazing sex/desire... it does not make for a great relationship and I've probably been going about it all wrong lately.

So the sex was good then?!!!!!

OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo · 18/09/2022 21:49

YouFillMyHeadWithYou · 18/09/2022 20:51

Just my musings but interested to hear if this rings true for anyone else.
I read something recently that kinda made sense...maybe it's something obvious to others but it was a light bulb moment for me!
My ex was the best sex of my life. He was amazing in bed. But what fueled a lot of the awesomeness was our desire for each other. We couldn't get enough of each other. We were very physical with each other. Always touching in some way- holding hands, his arm around me, hand on my knee. I absolutely loved that, like he couldn't keep his hands off me. I felt wanted. We were together 18 months and that lust never faded. I thought it was amazing.
But, the thing I've recently read... is that we want sex more frequently and urgently in the early stages of a relationship in order to feel closer to that person. Our brain wants to bond with that person to secure the attachment and sex is one way to do that. When that attachment becomes more secure, your brain doesn't need to reinforce that attachment and so the desire for sex reduces. So, if you're no longer craving sex, it can be a sign that you have a strong, secure relationship.
That is something me and my ex never had. We had a very volatile relationship. There were lots of heated arguments (with crazy make up sex afterwards). We didn't work as a couple, we were not right for each other, but I was so clouded by the incredible sex, I didn't want to see it. I wanted him. A lot. Despite knowing deep down we were not right for each other. But I feel like I was addicted to him. Always going back time and time again after arguments.
So that realisation makes me sad... I thought I loved him and the sex was the best thing in the world... but really I was probably just constantly trying to feel close to him, to feel secure with him. And he clearly never made feel that way.
And I've been looking to try and replicate that incredible sex with someone new. That level of chemistry and desire. Always comparing it, feeling sad that I'll likely never have it again with someone else. But now I see... that amazing sex/desire... it does not make for a great relationship and I've probably been going about it all wrong lately.

I don't think this is a universal truth. I have a pretty good, stable, happy marriage, with plenty of companionship. I still have a fairly high sex drive, particularly at certain points in my menstrual cycle. I think in my case, DH and I both have high libidos, and that's why we have a good sex life.

Mrstumbletap · 18/09/2022 22:05

I do think this is interesting and definitely holds true with a lot of my friends relationships. One particular friend would have sex everyday in every kind of way and would always say "but all we have is sex" they ended quite bitterly and he quite frankly was an idiot and she could do better.

Most stable long term 10-15 year relationships my friends are in are having sex weekly and both are satisfied. It does seem to make sense that you would have sex just to feel loved and close but if your relationship makes you feel that every day anyway, the burning desire does teeter off.

The book Mating in Captivity also mentions a lot of this. That love needs trust and closeness and predictability and familiarity, and passion needs the exact opposite, mystery, desire, separation.

I do wonder how couples in their 70s that have been together 40 years still 'desire' each other? Or do they just feel loving and want to be on next once a month for example?
Any 70 year olds on here able to give their thoughts?

Thepeopleversuswork · 09/12/2022 13:53

I think this is a bit of an over-simplification. It's certainly true that a lot of people's minds get clouded by sexual desire in the early stages and they overlook incompatibilities longer than they should because the sex is good.

But I don't think you can generalise that good sex automatically equals bad relationship. Good, urgent sex can be part of a good, loving relationship. The critical thing is to have both, not just sex on its own.

PrincessConstance · 10/12/2022 10:42

Dp and I were lust at first sight. This lasted about 2 yrs.
Once that starts to fade there is work to be done. We're so different, it's challenging for both parties.
The Romance Stage.
The Power Struggle Stage. (We're currently navigating this phase).😐
The Stability Stage.
The Commitment Stage.
The Co-Creation or Bliss Stage.

ThePredictableScript · 10/12/2022 11:18

I sort of agree with this. Was with my stbxh for 17 years, lost my V to him, and even up until the day we split up I was all over him, sexually, always grabbing him, quickies in the office etc. However, he was VERY self destructive and sly. We had about 8 good years where he was on his best behaviour (or I never caught him) and even then I was waiting for him to mess up by texting women, exs, being on apps, taking prescription drugs.. he was also very cold, never told me he loved me and would only breadcrumb me if I started to pull away. I also recently read "is the sex good or is it the only thing they gave you?" And that hit me. I have a high sex drive but I don't think I would be as OTT if I felt secure, valued and loved in the way I should have felt

YoSofi · 10/12/2022 11:43

I agree with this.

My ex and I had incredible sex, multiple times a day. It was addictive, and when we weren’t having sex we were constantly touching; holding hands, hugging, hands on leg while driving, watching TV.

The actual relationship was a shit show, he was abusive, had massive anger issues, lied constantly, cheated, was incredibly emotionally immature…just a dick basically.

Leaving him was the best thing I ever did, would rather never have sex again than have him back in my life.

Whatwouldscullydo · 10/12/2022 12:00

My experiences. Bad sex =bad relationships.

Amazing sex = bad relationships

Mediocre sex= tolerable relationship provided I shut off who I am completely.

With 1 exception I have never been able to repeat.

I clearly make bad choices and drawn to the wrong people and when I do find someone who's amazing in all other aspects either the sex is bad or I feel nothing for them.

Lather rinse repeat.

Liveafr · 10/12/2022 15:35

I think it's true to some extend: insecurity and danger fuel sexual desire and the lows make the high more intense.
That being said, it's possible to find someone with him you have great sex and a great relationship. You just have to accep that the lust is going to be less intense and crazy.

JangolinaPitt · 10/12/2022 15:40

Very thought provoking and interesting…

OrlandointheWilderness · 11/12/2022 09:47

I'm not sure about this. My XP and I had shit sex and a shit relationship, whereas my current DP have absolutely amazing sex and chemistry and a wonderful relationship! 😂

Frapped · 11/12/2022 09:48

I just really like orgasms.

Watchkeys · 11/12/2022 17:52

That can be one of the many reasons for amazing sex.

It's not the only one, OP. But you'll be sure to ruin your sex life if you feel like you can't ever do that well again without the relationship being unhealthy.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 15/12/2022 10:28

Really don't think this holds true as a generalisation. Have a listen to this entertaining podcast on the idea that Of Course You Can And Should Marry The Best Sex You Have Ever Had. It's from Dr Psych Mom, a clinical psychologist specialising in sex and relationships therapy. So she probably has good reasons for saying that!

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 15/12/2022 10:30

If you base a relationship on your physical connection then chances are the relationship will fail. But you can absolutely have an amazing relationship with amazing sex.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 15/12/2022 10:40

DivorcedAndDelighted · 15/12/2022 10:28

Really don't think this holds true as a generalisation. Have a listen to this entertaining podcast on the idea that Of Course You Can And Should Marry The Best Sex You Have Ever Had. It's from Dr Psych Mom, a clinical psychologist specialising in sex and relationships therapy. So she probably has good reasons for saying that!

I should add that she doesn't say you should marry the person who you have the best sex with at first. What she says is, couples should communicate well and teach each other what they like. Different couples may be more sexually compatible than others, plus you work on it and teach each other how to make it even better. If the relationship is right and the sexual compatibility is right then yes, your partner should be your best sex ever.

MiniHouse · 12/01/2023 05:56

Not always. Sometimes sex is amazing when a partner cares and makes an effort. Then the relationship is also good.

Oblomov22 · 12/01/2023 06:21

I think this is an odd way of looking at it, and also very worrying that to question this should be seen as the norm. If you have good self esteem you'd notice right from the offset that you didn't work as a couple. Focusing on the good sex, rather than the more important aspect of a good relationship, good boundaries, noticing red flags early on, is what we'd should be encouraging.

Mashedpotatoesandgravy · 12/01/2023 06:24

DH & I have been together 20 years, he’s nearly 70. It’s always been the most amazing sex either of us have ever had, and we both still have high drives.

Mashedpotatoesandgravy · 12/01/2023 06:39

Sorry posted too soon.

But as @Oblomov22 says, it’s the living, caring and deeply respectful relationship we have that created the basis for our sex life…it’s been there from the offset as we were friends first, and it got deeper and deeper. It may sound trite, but we both have always said it’s not sex, it’s making love every single time and there’s such a huge difference.

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