Help around the house

[Joder]

Hi
I’m wondering how much help you all get around the house?
at the minute, I get zilch and I’m feeling so stressed and I’m starting to resent my husband!
We have two school going kids and we both work full time. He works two evenings a week and a Saturday, he expects me to do all the cleaning, cooking, washing, grocery shopping, bathing the kids, school organisation etc. etc
he spends his Sundays in bed until 2 or 3 pm!
He cleans up after dinner, takes out the bins and garden work and that’s it!
I’m sick at the moment and couldn’t face the filthy floor today so I got up and hoovered like an idiot.
i tried to talk to him about it just now and his answer was ‘we all have to work, you should be able to manage the house yourself’!
then he said all I seem to do is sit on the couch scrolling on my phone 😫
I feel like a 1950s housewife and I really hate him right now!

My husband doesn't help me do anything. He lives in the house - he cleans it, he wears clothes - he washes them, he eats food - he buys and cooks it. Etc...

One of us usually does bath time while the other washes up. He probably does more laundry than I do but I do more cooking. We meal plan together and he doss the food shop. It's pretty equal but maybe he does slightly more because he will clean while I am at the gym whereas when he is at the gym I garden or do things with the kids.

we all have to work, you should be able to manage the house yourself

And what was your response? Why are you tolerating this? Why is managing the house your job?

I don’t get any ‘help’ around the house. As I married a partner who respects me and doesn’t think housework is my sole responsibility, we equally divide domestic labour. He doesn’t ‘help’ me.

My DH doesn't help, he contributes to the household he lives in, cooking, cleaning, garden, pets, running the kids around. Whatever. I wouldn't have married, or have DC with, a man who treated me like a skivvy in my own home.

It's not "helping" when it's his own home.

Also, he's a prick. Is that normal for him to treat you like that?

Precisely what others have said, my DH doesn't "help" around the house, he does his fair share, as do I. There are some jobs I do more frequently than him, and others he does more than I do. He does the majority of the cooking when we're both home (as he's a far better cook) but I do most of the meals mid week as he doesn't get home until late, and kids are hungry. He does most of the ironing, and DIY, I do majority of food shops, and washing. He mainly feeds the pets, I mainly clean up after them. Etc etc... If we're both here, we're both working together to keep on top of things, I never consider him helping, as it's his home too, and he wants it to be reasonably tidy and organised, so it's his responsibility as much as mine. I may work less, and be home more than him, but I'm busy in other aspects, entertaining children, and their friends, school runs, clubs... it's never ending and he appreciates how much I do besides the housework, and never considers that it's my "job" any more than it is his.

He works 5 days a week incl. Saturdays plus 2 evenings. Or is "FT" 2 eves plus a Saturday?

I echo what other have said, it's not "helping" it's pulling his weight and sharing the household chores.

If he wants a 1950's housewife then is he prepared to give up your income? Not suggesting for a moment that you give up work btw.

I couldn't live like this. Both of us work full time and have jobs that involve travel and long hours on a fairly regular basis. Two school age kids and a dog. We now have a cleaner for a few hours a week (which is a lifesaver) but my husband does as much if not more than me around the house. He has some blind spots, it would never occur to him to mop the floor but he'll happily scrub the loo if it needs doing. We pool our incomes and have the same spending money for personal treats.

It’s our house and they are our children. It’s our responsibility to do all the life admin needed to keep things ticking over and we share it. I mainly cook/clean up after meals, sort out kids activities & do pick ups, he does virtually all the washing/ironing, tracks finances & sorts annual renewals etc, does drop-offs and empties bins. Anything else we tend to take turns or the cleaner does it. If one of us is poorly or massively stressed & busy at work or takes the kids to a party or similar the I suppose we would say the other does “help” with our jobs but fundamentally we just get on with stuff that needs doing because we are both fully functioning adults. Your OH really needs to grow up & just get on with it.

Your OWN thought process with the use of the word help is very telling, let's alone his. Why do you think one of the two adults in the house should only be 'helping' the other adult as opposed to contributing physically and mentally half?

You both work full-time. Therefore you split everything else 50-50, end of story.

I don't understand the concept of 'help around the house'. If you are in a relationship with an adult, it is as much their responsibility as yours, especially if both are working, to take 50/50 responsibility.

I couldn't have children so my two long-term relationships were equal from the outset. I can understand how things slip if you are at home on maternity leave and you tend to take on the major share but that's not the case now as you are back at work.

I think you have to tell your DH that his response is unacceptable. No more cooking or washing or anything for him. If he leaves items laying around the house, place in a black rubbish bag and give him one warning. Tidy your stuff or the bag goes out with the rubbish, and mean it. He stays in bed - whip off the duvet and put the cover in the wash.

I sincerely cannot believe relationships like this still exist in 2022. Sort it out OP! Stand up for yourself and set some boundaries.

What sort of example are you setting to your children?! Please, for the love of god, stop letting your husband treat you like a servant.

DH does plenty but tends to need to be guided, it’s not ideal but he has some issues and gets very muddled. So if for instance you speak to him when he is doing something he will stop to listen and then literally forget what he was doing. Forgetting to close a cupboard door because you spoke to him or doing up his shoelaces if you interrupt him sort of stuff. If you mention something he feels the need to break what he is doing and do that because the thought has been put in his head. I have always found it irritating but since DS has become an adult he has noticed it as well, I did used to think it was exaggerated in my own head but it isn’t.

He did the food shopping today, I did a list otherwise he may come back with five jars of cranberry sauce. He also sorted out the cat litter and cleaned out and rearranged the cleaning cupboard. DS did dinner, we all cleared up the kitchen. I deep cleaned all round the cooker hood and cupboards round it and spot cleaned the kitchen floor.

In your shoes I’d stop washing his clothes and cook jacket potato every night until he started to take his turn cooking. if asked why, explain your minimising your workload as you’ve had enough of being the house maid when you both work full time.

can you go away for a week? Or weekend? Leave the kids with him in the house.

Thanks for all the replies!! I’ve had a huge eye opener.
So, he works 5 days a week then 2 evenings and a Saturday. All his spare time is spent doing gardening stuff! Trimming hedges, mowing lawns ( we live in a country house with an acre of land) so Hes never idle. He just doesn’t see the inside of the house as being a priority.
when he said ‘we all have to work,” I just said ‘the difference is you get paid for your work, I’m just an unpaid skivvy!’
i asked how he’d cope if I wasn’t here? He said he’d ‘manage’ 🤬
i just said that can be arranged but truthfully I’m stuck with a mortgage.

I guess this has been going on since you've got together as you have school age children.

He clearly thinks it's all your job.

If he thinks all you do is sit on the couch, then stop doing all those non existent things he claims you don't do!

Just do enough for you and the kids. If the kids are school age, they can do a few chores too.
He can do his own laundry, cook his own meals and shop for them, etc.

Talking never helps in these situations because he just doesn't care.
Actions.

Then if he still treats you like a skivvy consider leaving. Houses can be sold.

we all have to work, you should be able to manage the house yourself

What did he mean by this OP? If you both work full time then why would you be responsible for the house? Is it because he does the gardening - does he think he is responsible for the outside and you the inside?
You need to sit down and talk this through.

In our house it's just the two of us and DH pulls his weight. I'd say we now have a 50/50 split. It's not been easy to get there - he's one of those men who claims to not be able to 'see' when things need doing 🙄 So we agreed that anything that can be scheduled is his responsibility and he has a series of alarms on his phone which tell him which chores to do and when. This saves me having to 'manage' him, which is literally the least sexy thing in the world.
He hoovers once a fortnight, mows the lawn once a week, cleans the windows once a fortnight, polishes our wooden furniture once a fortnight, and puts the bins and recycling out weekly. It sounds a bit nuts, but it works for us!
I'm left with everything that can't be scheduled (tidying, cleaning, clothes washing, general sorting and organising, and I do most of the garden).

Stand up for yourself and FORCE a solution OP. And do away with this 'helping' nonsense.

Sorry, is the pay for the evenings and weekend work not going into a joint account?

If there's a mountain of stuff that needs doing outside and he's never idle, I'm not sure I see the issue? You two just have too much to do in the time available.
If he's choosing to work a ton of extra hours and then pocketing the cash while you run home and hearth that's a different matter.

Absolutely this !

My husband doesn't help but due to his working hours probably does more around the house than I do.

asked how he’d cope if I wasn’t here? He said he’d ‘manage’ 🤬

Hand on heart I do not understand why women hear things like this from their own partners and continue to cook meals, make cups of tea, wash clothes, have sex with them. What an absolutely disgusting attitude to the person he chose to make a life and family with.

You keep saying you are stuck with the mortgage etc but there is absolutely nothing stopping you from quietly going on strike when it comes to do with anything for him. He thinks he would manage fine? Let him manage then.

Every day there’s a thread like this. Grim seeing how many women picked scum to reproduce with, and a vile, misogynistic example to inflict on kids.

‘Household chore inequity and child care inequality is a form of domestic abuse. It forces women to work themselves into exhaustion and illness, whilst men buy their free time with female exhaustion.

No one wants to see themselves as being in an abusive relationship. It means acknowledging that someone you love, someone you married or committed to, someone you chose to have children with is taking advantage of you and that hurts on so many levels.

If your husband or partner is capable of working at their job without being micromanaged and given extremely explicit instructions, then they are capable of contributing fairly at home without being given extremely explicit instructions and micromanaged. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they were capable of living independently without living in a rat-infested pigsty without any clean clothes and living off pizza, then they are capable of ensuring children are fed and clothed, groceries are done, and household chores are shared equally. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they claim they love you and yet your health comes secondary to their leisure, they're gaslighting you.

If they claim they can't possibly function and it would be unsafe for them to work with broken sleep, but it's totally fine for you to have to work, drive and do all the household chores and childcare on broken sleep, they're taking advantage of you.

If they say they are going to get up in the night and help but when the time comes the pretend to be asleep/complain, they're gaslighting you.

If they don't even actually try to settle the baby and had bub back almost immediately with "they just want you:", they're gaslighting you.

If your health, sanity, sleep, work, or self-esteem are suffering because you are the one doing everything, whilst they leverage your exhaustion into their free time, they're abusing you.
Like other forms of abuse, it will not get better on its own. It's not an accident.

So please ladies. Please stop laughing it off as "just men"

It's not just men. It's purposeful.

It might not be consciously purposeful, but it is still purposeful. They know they can get away with it.

You can't fix this by night weaning. Or sleep training. Or bedsharing, or chore charts, or even kicking hubby into the spare room. There are only two things that will fix this - therapy, or leaving.

I am sorry."

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4288463-AIBU-OH-never-alone-with-kids?pg=3’

OP,

Stop any laundry and cook for yourself and the children.

Do not shop for him either.

He can do this on his sundays!

What an arse.

Is he gardening mad, and avoids parenting and the house by spending his time out there?

Can you afford a cleaner once a fortnight to give you some support?

Get a cleaner and stop being a martyr

Why get a cleaner when she could divorce the pointless nob, enjoy life, and get half his pension?

Agreed, but I'm trying not to write leave the bastard (LTB) on every thread that I read about these disrespectful selfish arses!