Going back (to trouble?)

[ReturningTo]

Long term lurker, I've started one thread here years ago about the behaviour of my H, I was embarrassed & placed it on 30 days, so I hope I don't regret this. I couldn't find a poster with a situation like mine.

My husband (currently living apart) is in many ways a good man, he use to buy me things, he took me out, even later on in our relationship he put himself out for me sometimes which was really hard for him considering his then diagnosed mental health issues. His behaviour changed at that time, & he did some horrible things to me, but reading on here he is far from the only one as I use to think. What if his mental health is to blame?
This is the same man that rescued me from an abusive situation back when we were friends so he cannot be all bad.

Should a partners circumstances not be considered when we assess how acceptable someone's behaviour is? I think he has been judged by professionals, & maybe I listened to them too much?
Looking back I can see I didn't also understand him, I understand men have needs, & I stupidly ignored them because it was difficult for me. If I'd been more considerate maybe he wouldn't have gotten so angry.

People make allowances for things that I cannot do because of my physical health, should people not do the same for him?

Is being in a relationship not about compromise on both sides? This is what I'm struggling with, because this means MY behaviour could of been the trigger for his, making it my fault as he claimed.

Going back to him would trigger all kinds of professional involvement I fear.

He wasn't charged for abusing me, doesn't this say something?

Being in a relationship does NOT involve compromise that could lead to you being psychologically destroyed or physically maimed or killed.

It doesn’t matter why he did horrible things to you. What matters is that he did horrible things to you. The reasons are utterly irrelevant. There is no justification for harming someone. Are you seriously suggesting that it’s okay if he does irreparable damage to you or even kills you because he has MH issues?

You have said that you going back to him would trigger all kinds of professional involvement. That fact tells you that you going back to him is not only a completely stupid and reckless thing to do but also, in a mad way, a terribly selfish thing to do. All these services are hugely stretched - why would you voluntarily add to their burden?

OP - I think I recognise you and remember your previous posts. If I do, then the advice on that was for you to return to the UK for some serious therapy because you seem completely lost and desperately vulnerable and unable to make sensible decisions in connection with this man. Whether or not that was you, my advice would be that you keep as far as possible from this man and get some serious therapy as soon as possible. Perhaps also try the Freedom Programme.

I am scared for you because your thinking - your desire to be told that you should return - is the thinking that could lead to you being psychologically destroyed or permanently harmed or even killed by this man.

I'm not sure I'm making sense, so forgive me for breaking this down so but compromises exist in relationships, no? We make allowances for those we care about? Especially in times of trouble. I don't have to like what he does at times, but what if I understand it, or think I do?

I'm not saying I think it's okay if someone hurts you & they have mental health, but doesn't it explain things a bit?

What if he genuinely cannot help it? Doesn't that make it wrong of me to not see him through this?

We have no children, so the risk would be to myself alone, & if I can find a way of not involving services, I would. I hear what you are saying about them being over stretched, & I don't want to add to that. I already cost the government enough & it shames me but apart from dying I'm a bit stuck, much like everything else in my life.

I guess I'm doubting they (professionals) were right about him, I know it's a cliche but I know him, they don't.

I am lonely, believe me when I say no one else will ever want me (I know that sounds pathetic, but believe me, it's true) & it's my H or just me, alone, forever.

I know how pathetic that sounds, it's part of why posting is so hard, I don't want to think of myself as THAT woman. Much like I didn't want to be the woman who allowed her H to do such horrible things & stay, but I did. I hate what I have become, maybe what I've always been.

I'm not the poster you mention as I've not been out of the UK. I have downloaded the freedom program program books after reading about them on here searching for advice. I'm not saying parts didn't ring a bell, they did, but other parts didn't.

When I hear about abusive men he also doesn't fit the pattern, he doesn't apologise, or try to buy me back, he often doesn't even acknowledge what has happened, we just moved on.
My H wasn't even sorry 99% of the time. He also wasn't horrible all the time. I'm not sure my H really fits the profile.

I can't reach out to any of the professionals on my life, I rely on carers because of my health, this makes me "vunerable adult" & safeguarding will rain down upon me quicker that I can shake a stick. Safeguarding is what led to me leaving my husband & humiliating myself with the police in the first place & for what? He never got charged, my brain took that to mean it wasn't bad enough.

I think it's better if you stay living apart

Just because he’s better than the first one, it doesn’t mean that he’s right or good for you.

Being alone feels harder, as pathetic as it sounds.

I can feel myself getting sucked into him

I understand men have needs, & I stupidly ignored them because it was difficult for me. If I'd been more considerate maybe he wouldn't have gotten so angry

It's not stupid to stay away from people whose needs are difficult for you to fulfil. It's time to grow up: you are responsible for you. Nobody else is taking care of you, and nor should they. You're an adult.

Why do you think you should be around someone who abuses you? Why do you think that that's a compromise you should make?