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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he messing me around

10 replies

osed · 18/09/2022 12:04

I’ve been friends with someone for 12 years and gone through periods where I was single and he was more present in my life. He has never been in a relationship and I would say he displays all the signs of a dismissive avoidant. Before I entered my last serious relationship I told him how I felt and he said he felt the same and we should meet up to discuss what we were going to do. Despite me trying that never happened and I was ghosted. I have since had a family and my relationship didn’t work out. I reached out to him a few months ago and we have been chatting on text. It however appears nothing has changed, the conversations are surface level and when conversation gets remotely deep he doesn’t reply. I’ve ignored his messages a couple of times and within a few days he will text again - but just general chit chat. I haven’t seen him despite him saying “let’s meet up” on a couple of occasions. Although I feel I already know the answer, I’ve always had feelings for him and don’t want to look back and regret not letting him know where I’m at, but I feel if I do it will just be ignored. Am I wasting my time, is this an unhealthy cycle to allow myself to be embroiled in? Any advice would be appreciated!

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 18/09/2022 12:05

If you have to ask then the answer is yes. Sounds like it would be best for you just to stay away from him. I’d do a fade. Put yourself first

Questiononline · 18/09/2022 12:07

You know the answer, OP. We can confirm it. You deserve someone who will open up and put you first. He’s not capable with you or anyone it seems. Don’t put yourself through this heartache.

Bonbon21 · 18/09/2022 12:31

Block.
Delete.
Get yourself some pride.
Move on with your life.

CrystalCoco · 18/09/2022 12:34

Please please do not go there with this guy! Surface level chat is ALL you'll ever get from him, even in a relationship, save yourself now before you lose your head over this one x

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 18/09/2022 12:36

Oh god, no.

This will never amount to a thing. Move on x

FinallyHere · 18/09/2022 13:53

Despite me trying that never happened and I was ghosted

If you are even considering someone who has already treated you like this, then it's time for you to shift your focus and put being good to yourself much, much higher up your priorities.

Maybe develop some new interests.

Good luck xx

MMmomDD · 18/09/2022 14:23

You have already told him how you feel. If your feelings were reciprocated - it would have already happened.
If you are waiting for him to see the light and whisk you to the sunset - yes you are wasting your time.
At most he can be a ‘friend’ - as much as he is now. But not even sure what sort of friend he is - has he even asked to meet your baby? Or do you do ‘friends’ things’ - like going out, etc?

If he hasn’t been in a relationship for 12 years - that you know of - there must be a reason. It is very clearly not you, it’s all him.

osed · 18/09/2022 15:53

I appreciate all your messages… I think I needed a hard reality check. I am very aware that I am selling myself short and should firmly believe I am worth more, but I’m sure you all know what’s it’s like to cling on to that little glimmer (even when you know it’s ridiculous to even consider it). Thank you for taking the time to advise.
MMmomDD - he isn’t a true friend really as the answer to all of your questions are no. I suppose I have always just wondered what it was bringing us back together for so many years (we have never been intimate) but maybe I’m looking for a deeper reason, when the reality is probably just the fact he is bored, likes the attention or enjoys knowing I am “available” when he demands it.

OP posts:
Treacletoots · 18/09/2022 15:56

He sounds almost identical to someone I used to know and made the mistake of falling for.

Walk away, quickly. It won't end well. It will fuck with your head.

Ryder68 · 18/09/2022 16:07

the reality is probably just the fact he is bored, likes the attention or enjoys knowing I am “available” when he demands it.

YES!!!!

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