Financial inequality in modern marriages

[Drunkenduck]

I seem to be in a minority in that all finances in our household are shared. My husband earns more than I do since I went part-time since having our eldest child. When both children begin school, I will contemplate working full time again, provided I can still be a school gate parent a few times per week and avoid the expense of wrap around care if possible.

We both pay into a family pot (he pays more) and both of us have the same amount of individual disposable income at the end of the month of around £250. He doesn't have to worry about school drop offs or pick ups, we don't need to pay for wrap around care due to the flexibility of my own work. He recognises me as doing unpaid work for our family and so shares his earnings.

I am saddened to learn that this isn't the case for most other families around me, apart from a few christian families that we know who do equally share their finances. We are not christians.

There's very much a "his money/her money" mentality. My SIL is currently on maternity leave and has no money to buy herself new work clothes for when she returns to work next month. Her husband however is currently on a stag do in Amsterdam.

Another friend of mine has been made redundant and we took our children to a free story telling event on Friday where you can buy toast. After buying my toast, she bought hers and revealed to me that she had spent her "last 25p" and had no money to get her hair cut and that her clothes have holes in but she can't replace them. I assumed at first that their family finances were short but later discovered that her husband has his own disposable income that she said she "can't expect him to share" with her.

I recently broached unequal finances with my other SIL who does work FT and earns around the same amount as her husband and she was also of the mindset that not sharing finances equally is ok! She said "a woman chooses to work part-time so why should her husband have to share his hard earned money with her." She doesn't have children but is pregnant so I don't think she understands yet the unpaid work that women do as mothers and homemakers, but she was very adamant that family money didn't exist and that women should "deal with the consequences of their choices not to work enough." She doesn't know that my husband (her brother) shares his finances equally with me- I didn't feel I could tell her after her strong opinions on the matter! But I'm so saddened by this.

What are these people thinking the mother/woman is doing when she chooses to work part-time to care for young children. I guess some men may not be happy with the arrangement if they don't agree to it and so won't share finances, but I don't see these men stepping up to be hands on fathers either so what choice are they giving their wives?

From the stories I've heard recently, I'm embarrassed to tell people that my husband and I pool finances and share everything equally. Surely, this isn't right?!

but your way of doing things sounds very fair, OP. And gets round the spoiling the birthday present surprise problem we have with a joint account.

We’ve always shared everything, whether I was part time or earning more than DH, why wouldn’t we? Marriage is a partnership.

I think it should be compulsory to discuss these things in a marriage preparation course! So there are fewer unpleasant surprises (although I suppose some people would lie). Although I am not religious, I do think churches are onto something with those courses.

Yeah it’s an odd and petty and unsupportive way to do it IMO. We share all our finances although I have some savings solely in my name. DH earns 10x what I do but I work just as hard in a different way. DH said to me today my 3x 9 months of pregnancies and years raising the kids is worth at least as much as he earns. He’s a good egg! But also, I think that’s pretty much what one should expect. Overall in society the bar needs to be raised.

@Drunkenduck I agree. We have shared our money from when we got engaged. Never been a yours / mine set up. Like you, I went part time when we had kids but it's never been an issue, the money is pooled together and 'ours'.

I have one friend who works full time (along with her dh) but for some reason she pays ALL the childcare and they share all other bills, so she's left with loads less than him. I have questioned why childcare is her responsibility financially when the kids are jointly theirs, but she didn't have an answer.

I mean I get someone might feel resentment if they were finically supporting a spouse who refused to work and just living their best life, while the other does the 9-5 grind. But I literally no of no cases where I've seen this happen. Like you say, it's usually the wife (mother) cutting down work / stopping work to care for kids and that is a job - if it wasn't, nurseries, nannies and childminders would be free! I'm not interested in being with a man who doesn't value that and I feel sorry for some or my friends or women I know, whose hard work goes unappreciated and also underpaid because their selfish partners don't see them and all that they do.

I believe in the parenting courses offered by churches too! I'm not religious either. I've never been on one but one of my friends who isn't a Christian went on one with her husband and she said it helped them build their marriage on healthy foundations.

I think it's even worse when couples have children without marriage (absolutely no judgement from me about not marrying) but it seems that Mothers find themselves even worse off financially and often without as much support from the father.

I agree with pp that the examples given by the OP sound like financial control and are abusive.
It is certainly not acceptable for one partner to withhold or control finances.
For more information on how the law stands on this and what can be done should the women concerned want support, I'd contact Women's Aid.

Personally I am shocked. If one partner is allowing the other to earn money by doing the childbearing and childcare or any other shared responsibilities, the income belongs to the family or the partner who is not doing their share of childcare ought pay the other a fair wage plus compensation for loss of career prospects and earnings for their services.

Throughout my marriage I had a joint bank account. I thought this was the norm but recently it's less common

When I was a SAHM I had to use DH’s wages to buy things, but I only bought what I really needed for myself, as it felt like using his money. Then I realised that he was spending money on drinks and food in hotels while away for work, and I became a bit resentful. He was also paying into his pension, and I wasn’t, obviously.
I went back to work and had my wages paid into my own account, so I had my own money.
I think a couple is right to pool the money and take out equal money to have for themselves.

My DH earns 60 times more than me. Our money has always been shared since the first day he moved in with me 27 years ago, not that we had any money between us back then. We’ve never disagreed or argued about money.

My husband is wealthy and earns our income. I’m poor and haven’t earned a penny in my own right for about 15 years. No prenups.

When we had children the monthly income started going into my private account and I gave him an allowance. When we sold our house the entire sum went into my private account.

We now use a joint accounts because the children are at school most of the time so I don’t have to micro manage anything.

My husband has never questioned me having control of “his” money. I have never wasted money on self indulgences.

We’re not Christians.

I guess that the division of income can be dependant on a lot of things so I’d try not to judge but if my husband ever suggested that he didn’t trust me with our finances, I’d take him to the cleaners for every penny he had. As long as he trusts me, I’m trustworthy.

We just got a joint account at the point we lived together. All money goes in there. Tbh I don't even really understand the "allowance" thing, some months DH spends £500 on a stag do, some months I have a £100 hairdresser appointment, obviously we talk about the big expenses but I wouldn't want to have an allowance set-up either. We just trust each other to make sensible (mostly!) decisions with the joint cash.

I think, like a PP, it helps because we pooled everything when we had next to nothing, so we trust each other now there's more.

Agree it does help if you never had anything before the other one came on the scene. DH and I met young and neither of us brought any financial assets to the relationship. It must be harder to manage the money when one or both have DC already, for example.

Broadly concur with the OP though, and there's not a chance in hell I'd have had children with anyone if it didn't involve joint finances.

These people are not partners. You don’t want to be with someone happy to see you struggle.

I never understand any of this. A man is meant to love you, adore you, provide for you and save all his money for you and the kids just in case he goes first. I have never had a pooled finance but from day 1 anything i wanted and needed has been provided with love and generosity from my husband. Since i started work after being stay at home, I am sure i have more saved money perhaps, however it all goes to family, kids and when i go, if something is left in my bank account, goes to him and kids. In the meantime he has to pay it all, mortgage, food, bills, car, petrol, repairs. I fully appreciate how loved I am and how blessed, all this without a join bank account.

My H earns all the cash and let's me & the kids spend it all because his words

"What else would I spend it on"