Not sure what to think

[Mumofnarnia]

Ok so I’ve been involved with a man for about 10 months now. He’s always been keen and has always text me in the morning and evening to say good morning and goodnight and we have always had a little bit of contact throughout the day. I have my life and he has his so I do not expect us to be living in each other’s pockets, neither do I expect him to be constantly texting me and we can go hours without contact. We are in a long distance relationship and live 3 hours away from each other.

However, these last 3 weeks he has been disappearing mid conversation at around 6 or 7pm and has stopped sending me goodnight messages but will then text me the next day to say good morning as normal.
I could be overthinking but my past experience with this sort of pattern is that the guy is either losing interest or that he’s found someone else. Especially when he’s always sent a goodnight message every night since we met. I did send him a goodnight message first last night which wasn’t read until late last night but I got no reply, not even a goodnight.

I don’t want to be paranoid and understand that he has a life of his own and that he’s not obliged to message me all the time and whilst it’s not an issue in itself, he has always said goodnight to me ever since we first met but now all of a sudden seems to have stopped doing it. I’m just looking for other peoples opinions on this and whether or not I should be worried.

I would be concerned about him disappearing mid conversation early evening yes, and the change in habit of texting good night.

I would automatically think he was with someone else during that time. Can you ask him why he’s suddenly stopped the conversation in an evening?

Thank you. I was thinking of asking him but don’t want to sound too needy.

Even if he wasn’t with someone else I just find it strange. Like as if he can’t be bothered anymore

Tonight call him at 8pm and see if he answers. If not you will know, especially if he texts back instead of calls back

That’s why I hate getting into good morning and goodnight texts as it is hard to sustain long term ie when you are busy or tired or just can’t be bothered sometimes.

In your case I think you’re right to be on alert and for the reasons you say.

No harm in saying, I notice you’ve stopped sending goodnight texts. See what he says. It doesn’t make you needy.

I’d be suspicious.

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Thanks everyone. I’ve been through the mill a lot and I now have zero tolerance for this sort of behavior, especially when I’ve had it happen before and it turned out the guy was spending his evening chatting to women on dating sites instead of me. I’ve not replied to his good morning message yet today. He’s added a bit more to his message asking what I have planned for today etc but I feel a bit upset and can’t bring myself to reply just yet

Good idea.

How often do you see each other physically? Has he been visiting / you visiting as often? Three hours isn't much 9f a journey.

And did you talk about the future? After 10 months of an LDR you have plans for one or both of you to relocate?

What I'm getting at is that besides the issue of a goodnight text, is the relationship committed, progressing and healthy?

We are in a committed relationship and that we have agreed on exclusivity and there have been future plans but for me months it is a bit too soon to be thinking of relocating and I have children so don’t want to move them at the moment

OK thank you for replying. If he is visiting as often and making future plans with you then a change in pattern in texting could really just be the relationship moving into a more stable, settled phase. How much can there be to say each evening? That's why I asked....because if that's the only change and visits are as frequent and trips or activities and meeting each other's friends and family are all moving forward then I really wouldn't worry if he's just not texting as much in the evenings.

Sorry I forgot to answer about the visits. We see each other when we can but it’s not often. Maybe 2-3 times per month although that is mainly down to me and having kids, work etc.

He was chatting to and seeing other women at the start of our relationship despite telling me I’m the only one he is seeing/ talking to and was logging on dating sites for a while after telling me he wants to be with me but as far as I was aware this all stopped and he deleted his profiles on the dating apps (probably because I confronted him over it) so there has always been that lack of doubt/ trust in my mind. I

I replied to his good morning message but I’ve left it at that. He has messaged me since asking how I am and what im up to today. I haven’t read or replied to his message yet and he sent that over an hour ago. I just cannot bring myself to reply to him at the moment. I just feel confused

This is alarm bells for me. The fact you had to confront a grown man to get off dating apps when he's telling you you're the only one and he wants to be with you.... Kindly, no one forced him to be on the apps while making those claims to you and if his words were genuine, why would he need prompting to delete them?

He's realised you've cottoned on to a shift in behaviour and are pulling away which is why he's over engaging - to see if he's still got you on a hook.

I'm sorry but I'd bet my last pound he's with someone else.

Thank you. This is what I needed to hear. I’ve struggled to trust him since that and although I’ve never brought it up again I find it hard to believe that he won’t do it again

A similar thing happened to me where my ex-partner was caught using dating apps at the beginning of our relationship after firming up exclusivity with me. Then he got caught a second time, then a third and final time before I walked / found a crumb of self-worth. He probably did it more looking back now and I never really trusted him throughout either.

After the 2nd time, my best friend asked me if I thought this was the type of person who'd be part of building a relaxed and happy life together. I honestly couldn't answer yes. That benchmark of "relaxed and happy life" is what I apply to men now as I find it really useful in chucking them if they don't meet something so basic. Hope it can help you too.

You've got three options:

• Block and move on without a word.
• Talk to him openly and listen to the smooth excuses + probable lies, which could convince you to limp along ok until the next time / make you feel bad and guilty. Cycle could repeat.
• Bit childish but download all the dating apps (Hinge, Bumble, Tinder), set your search as narrow to him as possible (i.e. his age + or - a few years, his location within a mile, etc.) find your proof (yeah he could fobb you off that they're old but I bet he's not been clever to totally hide his tracks with profile updates since meeting you or "last online" statuses) and use that anger to block and delete. There's a website which scrapes live data from Tinder where you can set criteria to look for profiles matching that description in a designated area. You pay per search. That's how I found out the last time my ex was on Tinder when the tell-tail signs started creeping in again as I had to know once more for sure. He couldn't wriggle out of it as the search gives you the date the profile was created and when last active (he also blocked my number from Tinder so I couldn't find him but on the website it didn't matter). I once posted the link on a thread to another person in this situation but MN HQ removed it but I'm sure you can Google search.

Sorry this could be the end 💐

I know some people might advise giving him a chance to explain and give him the benefit of the doubt, but doing that in my experience only kicked the can down the road. Especially as he had form (like yours) from the off.

Dating and relationships are always to down to choices & what you will / won't accept. He chose to promise you the world while talking to others. You chose to move forward and progress. He's choosing to now behave patchy with messaging, it's your choice what to do next.

Feel free to reach out privately if you want xx

Thank you. This is very helpful. I will admit I have downloaded all the apps in an attempt to find him but haven’t been successful. But then I know all the tricks men do on these sites if they’re already in a relationship and that is to change their age or description about themselves as so not to make it obvious who they are. There is also the option to hide your profile on most sites which still allows them to message other women but their profile cannot be found in searches so in reality it would be like looking for a needle in a haystack l

I’d end it to be honest. You don’t trust him, rightly or wrongly; and you only see each other twice a month. It’s not much of a relationship to lose.

Similar thing happened to me about 10 yrs ago. Found out he was married!

Oh dear. So sorry that happened to you. Yes it’s amazing what some men do isn’t it

To be honest you are right and would have ended it a long time ago if he’d not managed to talk me round

Sorry , but this doesn't seem like much of a relationship. You're putting yourself through all this angst for what? You don't trust him. Time to move on.

So true you are right

Thanks, a year later, I met my wonderful husband so every cloud! Good luck to you x