Just had a really depressing epiphany that made me feel the opposite

[notquitewhatiplanned]

Been with my husband for 7 years, married nearly a year. We have a 3 year old and a baby due soon. I had serious doubts about marriage, and actually called off a wedding in the early stages of planning a year before we got married. We had a stillbirth and married 8 weeks later and it was driven from a place of grief and wanting a family unit to get me through it. I desperately wanted to fall pregnant again and did, here I am. Unfortunately I realise too late that I shouldn't of. My heart sinks when I see happy couples. We are just so not in love and incompatible that it's staggering we've made it this far. We are very separate and distant and that used to be the worst of it but I think resentment is building and we are both snappier and off towards each other.

I've decided that in two years I'm going to leave if I still feel this way. The kids will be young enough to not remember too much, I will be 28, the youngest won't be so tiny that I can't cope alone. Hopefully I will be young enough to marry for the right reasons one day.

This is totally depressing, right? Why do I feel such insane relief, hope and weirdly joy at this plan?

Why wait two years and waste more of your life?

I'm sorry you have gone through so much pain. I have a similar story as to why we ended up with a baby and regret it. I do try and remind myself how hard it would have been to terminate and the very probable mental health ramifications after such a journey before the pregnancy.
I guess both is hard and I've chosen my hard. Not what I would choose now but I think understanding it helps me not hate myself so much.

Setting a vague time goal is bittersweet.
My time goal is also to be able to cope alone with the baby. 2 years is very sensible....mine is for when babe is 1 and I'm hoping she switches into being an easy baby even before then so I can leave sooner 😂
What's your thinking for 2 years old as opposed to any earlier?

Honestly it feels embarrassing to leave sooner as we've not been married a year! He is a good dad, I won't deny that, and being together for the babies first 2 years undeniably means more support atleast. I wouldn't be wanting a new relationship with a baby anyway so I feel I'm not missing out on a new relationship any sooner. Atleast in two years I know I really thought it through and gave it a fair chance to turn around right?

I think if you want to give it a fair chance to turn it around, though, you need to lay your cards on the table and have an honest and open discussion with your spouse about what you would like and what needs to change, and get marriage counselling as well, if you both feel it will help.

I had a similar situation, although getting married following miscarriages not stillbirth. It messes with your mind. We separated when our son was two and I had known for a good while before that that I wanted out (in fact we almost separated when baby was three weeks old). Ex closed down all discussion about this and what was wrong and carried on. But the eventual split was very, very messy because he just did not want it and had not engaged in anything being wrong - because things were how he wanted them - and literally fought me every step of the way in ways which were detrimental to our child (and my financial and emotional well-being). It took years and I mean years for things to improve (and that was mainly because he met someone else, but the situation broke me). So my recommendation is try to talk, to resolve what you can and get on the same page about what you want and how to make it work if you do split. The longer you wait, the more you give him the idea of a family and marriage being possible and working.

I would also suggest having an honest and open discussion with your dh if you want to genuinely try for the next two years, your reasons make sense to want to try.

You and him both have feelings and because your not sharing them the resentment has built up. If each of you knew what the other was thinking / feeling it may help you both understand each other and get along / come to a resolution.

It may be nerve wracking to do but you might be relieved after you talk and have a clearer take on things.

Good luck

I also agree you need to lay your cards on the table. You have the intention to leave already, he will pick up on your lack of interest over the next two years. Let him know what's on your mind and if it blows up now, so so be it. Otherwise you are living a lie. Who cares if it is embarrassing that it hasn't worked out and it's only been less than a year, you are raising tiny kids who will feel the hostile environment, who would want that?

Honestly, if you want to leave, just leave. Font string him along for two years.

*don’t 🙄

Knowledge is power OP.

Don't waste energy feeling embarrassed or ashamed.

Save every bit of energy to get organised.

Try to detach emotionally so thatvhe doesn't annoy you.

Encourage him to work with you.

Reach out to friends and family for support.

You are probably still grieving such a terrible loss.

Be kind to yourself.
Talk to your GP.
Think in terms of housing, your job, future childcare.

The better you two work together now, the better a separation might be in the furture.

Above all eat well and mind yourself.
You have been through so much.

Are you planning to leave with the dc or without them?
I understand you weren't in a good place when you married but I can't help feel sorry for your husband, especially as you say he's a good dad.