Not being able to have sex for medical reasons. Terrified for my relationship. Any advice?

[goldagainthesoul]

We've been together nearly 20 years.

I have a prolapse which is getting worse. Sex is more difficult for both of us and I fear that it's going to become not even possible soon. Waiting lists are huge and surgery isn't even a guaranteed fix. It used to be mild but is getting worse and I'm awaiting even my first gynae appointment to discuss surgery. Don't even know when that will be.

I'm not even going to go into detail about how difficult it is to live with the symptoms every day and the affect on both my physical and mental health. I'm really down. Can't run, can't lift hardly anything, constant discomfort, can't go to the toilet without 'splinting'. It could be potentially years without sex.

I'm devastated. He is trying to be supportive and saying that we can do other things, he's not with me for that, in sickness and health, but I can tell he is also sad and sort of in denial.

I love him so much and I'm scared for our relationship, our closeness. Even with the best of intentions, surely it will put strain on our relationship. I'm thinking all sorts of bad outcomes.

Has anyone ever had something like this happen? Any advice for what helped your relationships?

No advice just a hand hold. This sounds really hard OP. Sending lots of love

Sorry, can you explain what splinting is ?

Can you get an appointment with women's physio earlier to look into some at least minor help from exercises? I got an aquatone which is hard initially but incredibly effective. They can still help with prolapse. Also for general leaks try Contiform, it's expensive but it has changed my life. Obviously not a medic so do check all the advice for prolapse first but pretty sure the leaflet said you can use with prolapse .

@CellarDoor100 Thanks, it's so hard. Emotionally more than anything else.

@Tigertigertigertiger It's not pleasant but if you google "splinting for rectocele" you'll see what I mean.

@Cherryblossoms85 Thanks for the tips I don't know what the things are you mention but I'll have a look. I do already go to private pelvic physio, I am hoping it helps a bit but been told my back wall is too bad for physio to fix. Can't hurt though so I do it. The physio is expensive enough privately, a private op is out of the question. I'm sorry you have this too.

Assuming that you want sex then I'd recommend you start experimenting with other forms of sex than piv (and I don't mean anal unless that's your idea of a good time). There is an awful lot you can do to give satisfaction to each other and maintain intimacy using, well other parts of your bodies.

I've been doing hypoprrssives and am looking at this online programme.
moonrise.health/natural-healing-programs/pelvic-floor-dysfunction

Also, herbal liver support,
www.indigo-herbs.co.uk/shop/buy/gotu-kola-tincture, along with Blessed Thistle and Milk Thistle.

I take vitamin c in high doses to help with bowel transit - sometimes up to 8g a day.

I also avoid grains, including oats sugar, dairy, coffee and alcohol. These all seemed to make the 'dragging down' worse.

I am also taking a host of homeopathic remedies. Which ever part is helping, it has been life changing. The herbs in particular seemed to have made a huge difference.

I have also been assessed for surgery and deemed necessary.. I am hoping to get to a stage where it is not necessary. I am not there yet but it is getting better.

Bless you, @goldagainthesoul.
I'm now on my second rectocele after the repair for the original one failed (probably due to the medication I'm on for a separate health issue).
My thoughts are of how to bump yourself up the queue - do you have pain, are you constipated, do you feel like you can't go out for the day due to it? Most importantly, do you have any loss of sensation around there?
Sorry for the intimate questions, and you didn't have to answer me here. But, if your answer to any of them is yes, ask your GP to mark your referral as urgent if they can.
I don't know if a GP can do it, but you might be able to access a ring pessary that holds all of the tissue up while you wait for your appointment. Look up the pelvic floor exercises and get started on those, as it's likely that that will be the first line of treatment that they give you.
I'm sorry that you are going through this. It's horrible and I totally sympathise with your situation. It might be worthwhile trying either Laxido or Fybogel to see if they help in the meantime.
Make sure you are also drinking enough fluids - basically anything that will help you to keep your bowel movements regular and manageable.

There’s a lot of other sex or ways to be intimate so expand your horizons

@Porcupineintherough It's complicated, my physical symptoms make it really difficult to feel 'that way inclined', however I do still really want intimacy with DP. Our sex life has always involved oral and manual, so I am hoping this will continue. I do feel a sense of loss though that PIV is so difficult now. I feel like it will only be me 'servicing' him and therefore will eventually become one sided..

@ChateauMargaux Thanks. I am doing pelvic physio and trying to have a good diet and avoid constipation. I'll look into things you mentioned. I'm glad you feel improvement.

@vipersnest1 I'm sorry you are also going through similar. How long has it been since your first surgery? I am wary of surgery for that reason - it seems like a huge recovery time. Thank you, I will ask GP. Yes, I am having a lot of problems with it tbh. Stuff gets trapped in the rectocele and can sit for the whole day before I have to splint to remove it, the discomfort builds up when bowel movements come down and certain times of the month are horrendous. I also seem to be getting nerve type pain in different places. When we have sex I can only feel the front wall not the back, and he seems to find it more difficult. My cervix also seems lower. Even just walking is difficult, my insides feel like they are falling out.

@goldagainthesoul, the feeling of it falling out is a massive red flag for you to get it fixed.
I too have to splint and it's horrible, as it makes me feel abnormal.
As far as nerve type pain is concerned, you should be on the list for an MRI to make sure there's nothing else going on.

I feel it will only be me 'servicing' him and therefore will eventually become one sided..

It shouldn’t need to be one sided though? He can, um, service you orally and manually as much as you can him.

Have you looked into going private? Possibly getting a loan for it?

Can your husband use vibrators externally on you and you can do oral etc for him?

I had a rectocile pelvic floor repair back in May. Fully recovered and active sex life after 6 weeks. Happy to answer any questions you may have.

Not sure if I was rushed through because of other health issues (early stage remission from stage 4 blood cancer and it was my treatment that cased the rectocile from 9 months of constipation) but I was assessed and operated on with a few weeks! It's made a huge difference.

Sorry, @goldagainthesoul, I realised I didn't answer your question.
I had multiple prolapses fixed over ten years ago (cystocele, rectocele, prolapsed uterus and perineal repair) over two operations. I have a urethocele that I just have to live with.
The rectocele repair started to break down about five years ago, but I could live with it (I am hyper mobile so my collagen is rubbish anyway, and my first birth was very prolonged).
The acceleration of my symptoms has coincided with me being on multiple medications which have seriously slowed down my gut transit, plus I have neurological problems which are still being investigated. It has been found that my pelvic floor muscles don't work properly. I have another appointment with my consultant soon after several invasive tests. I have no clue as to what will be suggested as my case is quite complex.

@vipersnest1 Thank you so much for your reply, sorry I had missed it. I'm sorry you have ongoing problems, I can imagine that having slowed gut transit would be really difficult combined with this. I've had invasive tests before for other stuff and I know how difficult they can be. I really hope your consultant comes up with something to help. 💐💐. I have 2 (teenage) children but I had C-Sections due to other unrelated issues, never even had labour, so I'm not sure how this has happened. I do have really bad core and diastasis recti for 17 years since first child, and a retroverted womb which makes prolapse more likely, and I have lifted too heavy before at times. I'm pretty sure the nerve type pain is just things moving around and being uncomfortable with the prolapses, cause it started at the same time.

@Luredbyapomegranate If things get much worse then I wouldn't want him looking cause my uterus could get to the entrance. I really hope we can work through it, I'm just scared that we won't. He's only 43 I feel I can't force him to be celibate for years.

@Cats4life I could (currently) get a loan for the surgery, but it doesn't look like it's as simple as just getting it fixed. I've read that 30% of surgeries fail, the first repair is the best chance, and that they only last 10 years max. I'm worried about the hormonal aspects of a hysterectomy as I'm 35.
I could get him to use vibrators, but tbh orgasm actually hurts since this 😔😔It feels like something is pulling (probably my uterus), like ligament pulling. He has always been a big fan of oral on him, so that's good, but just feels so one sided. I've always valued our sex life as a way of communicating, but how can i communicate my side to him when I don't have that 'side' anymore (discomfort, lack of confidence)..

@Newbeginingssameoldshite I am so glad for you you have recovered well and I'm sorry to hear you had cancer. I'd just like to ask if it's okay, what grade was your rectocele? I am wondering whether it's better to get the surgery whilst it's still a lower grade (although I am really symptomatic and it's having a huge impact on my life) or wait as long as possible.

@goldagainthesoul I'm not sure what the grade was, I've been for my check up today for the first time since the op however. My consultant said it was very large! So I'm assuming high grade?! It was never discussed with me tbh they just rushed the surgery through.
However they're really happy with the healing and it's improved things no end for me. Going to the loo is no longer a trauma thank goodness!
Prior to the surgery it had gotten so bad I was hospitalised a few times and I hadn't passed stool for up to 14 days at a time.
I was really nervous about the surgery at the time but I'm glad I went for it. I know not everyone has as good results as me.

retroverted womb

Yes not enough research on the reasons why a tipped uterus is more likely to lead to prolapse. But as you know, even Csections can’t prevent it, seems like just the act of carrying a child is enough to cause this in some individuals.

Just wondered if you'd been fitted with a pessary OP? Mine is 'mild' but still very irritating- the Dr said this would be the next stage for me.