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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this normal? Need perspective!

20 replies

Hottimesahead · 17/09/2022 10:40

Been exclusive with my boyfriend for 6 months who I met OLD. We live 40 min drive away from each other and try to see each other 3 times a week. we get on great with lots of shared interests. He us not my normally type, but his chat was good. On our first date we chatted for hours and the third date lasted 14 hours and it seemed like I had known him for years. However I feel since we have been on holiday he has been distant. Not too sure it’s me or stress.

At the start he was very keen. Not love bombing, but more keen than me and always available. He told me he loved me early on, where I replied I have strong feelings, don’t rush me and I have now fallen in love with him an he know this. He did say he gets emotionally attached which did make me slow things down - just checking he is not love bombing me etc. his actions always matched his words till recently.

he has a very highly pressured job. He worked his way up the ranks and is very much proud he managed to succeed with no degree. He keeps mentioning this as I have a degree, masters and studying for another qualification - I like to learn and my work pays for them. He likes to be alpha male, but not controlling way. I am independent and just let him get in with it. He respects my decisions and says he likes that I am independent.

However he hates his job at the moment and is causing him stress. He can’t sleep at night, has heartburn and it’s affecting our relationship as he is grumpy or just wants to watch tv. He is aware of this and has started to say he is too tired to met up as he will fall asleep or be snappy. Asked him if it was us and he says no.

we went on holiday last week in a multi trip city break. Was ok to spend 24/7 together, but at times we ran out of conversation. I also noticed he was not too fully comfortable in a country where he didn’t understand the language or culture - I did. He became grumpy as he didn’t want me to translate all the time or use local transport. He was used to package holidays in a tourist area. I had already booked this before he me, and he wanted to come along.

since returning last week I have not seen him. His texts have been short and not as often. He is part of a club which his ex used to be in. On social media he changed a picture to be if his club with a cheesy club caption, but it was an old picture which his girlfriend was in. I asked him and he said it was an old group photo and she is no longer part if the club - he hadn’t realised and means nothing. It’s still on there.

We were supposed to meet up during the week but he cancelled as he had to do urgent reports. He has not slept well since back at work and suffered constant heartburn. During holiday he slept well and had no heartburn. Returned since he has gone back to work - think it’s stress.

I am suppose to be at his all weekend, where he is on call. I am nervous to go round as I think the spark may have gone, well for him. I am not too sure he whether he is having a tough time at work so needs space or the holiday just showed we are not compatible. The photo of his old gf is annoying me too

what do I do?

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 17/09/2022 10:55

Talk to him about it. Check in with him that you're both still on the same page.

RandomMusings7 · 17/09/2022 10:59

When you feel someone withdrawing your natural instinct is to draw closer and invest more. Don't. I would give him space instead.

pictish · 17/09/2022 11:05

Well the balance isn’t there is it? It’s you shelving your needs to prop his shit up.
Snappy? Nah…that alone is enough to put me off. Rude, angry bastards need not apply.
I suspect that work is fuck all to do with it and what you’re seeing is who he is and who you’re going to get if you hang on in there.

felulageller · 17/09/2022 11:06

Holidays are often when you find out you are incompatible. Sounds like that's what happened here.

tanstaafl · 17/09/2022 11:09

I think it’s bruised male pride.
alpha male, got where I am without a degree and now he comes on your holiday realises he’s out of his comfort zone whereas you’re not.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 17/09/2022 11:09

Just sounds like the relationship has run its course. You're not as compatible as you thought you were. You've tried each other on you don't fit... time to move on.

Hottimesahead · 17/09/2022 11:14

I have asked him if he thinks we have run it’s course and he says no. Just stress. Not too sure I believe him

OP posts:
WaveyHair · 17/09/2022 11:14

Nothing like travelling together to test a relationship.

You sound incompatible. You (like many women) have had to work longer, harder and with bigger tests than your partner who probably could rise up the ranks without a degree. However it sounds like his job is not perfect for him either.

He sounds like a bit of a control freak (not of you) generally and cannot cope in situations where he does not have the answer. Bruised male pride = runaway.

Shoxfordian · 17/09/2022 11:25

It sounds like he’s threatened by you being more educated than him and being able to speak another language - all this alpha male stuff is bollocks and he’s posting pictures with his ex to make you feel insecure - dump this one op

Hottimesahead · 17/09/2022 11:26

@WaveyHair this is correct. He told me he had travelled loads. But turns out on a timetable. I am happy with a package holiday, but was eager to just go to a country and travel. Met up with family and rest to do as I feel. Told him this and he agreed to it.

think he hadn’t realised how out of control he felt and it annoyed him. I did ask him after if this was it. He says maybe, just wasn’t ready to not plan. He likes to plan. Think this may have her. The issue

@RandomMusings7 i have given him space. I don’t chase. Only other day he could do was when I was busy. He wasn’t aware of my plans

OP posts:
Pineappleskies · 17/09/2022 14:05

How do you feel though? It sounds like he's weighing his options and in my experience the weekend could feel hard for you...like he's making g no effort and you need to force the issue.

He doesn't sound alpha male...can't manage his digestion, can't operate in a simple change of culture (I'm assuming thus wasn't even a radically different country), can't communicate, feels threatened easily.

He sounds very beta, with a complex.

I suggest you tell him that you've not felt so connected to him this week so you're happy to meet for an evening but don't fancy a weekend.

Then he can up his game, or communicate, or continue to act like a baby.

Watchkeys · 17/09/2022 14:18

What would you do if we told you it was normal? Would you put up with it, despite the fact that you're not happy? Do you think that would be a healthy approach?

Aprilx · 17/09/2022 14:26

I also think the holiday or rather the increased time together has shown that you are not compatible. It sounds like he is questioning whether the relationship is for him, but he is not quite ready to let go just yet, hence him telling you there is no issue. I think it has just run it’s course.

As an aside, loads of what you have said reminds me of my last boyfriend before I met my now husband. He fell in love much quicker than me but then at eight months, he fell out of love, we lasted about a fortnight after we had our first holiday too.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 17/09/2022 14:55

Doesn't sound like you are compatible, he's barely educated, cant cope in unfamiliar surroundings, and has been promoted to the level of his incompetence. The photo business is pathetic and childish (and no doubt designed to knock you down a peg or two to make up for his insecurities). You ran out of things to talk about on a weekend, imagine how awful a lifetime would be!

Hottimesahead · 17/09/2022 15:03

we have spent nearly a week together, but had time apart for a few hours apart to work etc and it was great.

Holiday I think shocked him as well. He thought he would be ok, but not really.

no idea what to do as I like him, but the holiday has made we think are we compatible. Think will see how today goes and take it from there. I can easily go home

OP posts:
Ithinkiwanttobealone · 17/09/2022 15:11

Only time will tell if he's gone off you but the best thing to do now is pull back and get busy with your own stuff.

He's only a man, there are millions more of them. If it works out great, if it doesn't, also great.

If this stuff came between you and he can't sort it out with you or in his own head himself then you're fundamentally incompatible.

I know it's hard but your time and energy is precious, don't waste if on someone unless it's reciprocated.

oatmilkicedchai · 17/09/2022 18:28

Have you ever been to his house before OP? @Hottimesahead

Hottimesahead · 17/09/2022 18:50

@oatmilkicedchai yeah loads. I have lots of stuff there too

OP posts:
WaveyHair · 18/09/2022 11:43

I suspect he is out of his comfort zone both with his job (sounds like his competencies are been tested) and with his relationship with you. The trip aboard just highlighted that but it was already there with his 'i don't need a degree' statements. Package tours are miles away from travelling independently where some self confidence is required. Having a photo of his ex is probably a bit like a comfort blanket for him - avoidance of the real issue(s).

Maybe take a step back and take a long hard look at the relationship. Have you both started to grow out if it?

Hottimesahead · 18/09/2022 12:28

@WaveyHair he seems to be doing well at his job. It’s the volume of work I understand that is the issue. Covering for someone who has left.

at his now. He seems fine. Seems happy to eat anything - I made dinner with stuff he wouldn’t normally eat and he chose something for tonight I know he hasn’t tried. Not too sure if he has reflected on time apart.

OP posts:
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