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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Messages on phone

51 replies

Boatinggirl27 · 17/09/2022 08:58

I need some advice as to whether im overreacting?

Been with partner 8 months, known him a lot longer as he’s a family friend. His wife left 2 years ago after she’d had an affair. We are both nearly 50.

he’s loving and caring and I love him so much. We currently live 50 miles apart but once his divorce gone thru we a want to relocate to where I live, which is where he he’s up.

yesterday I was doing an update on his phone (at his request as he is a bit of a technophobe) and I noticed messages between him and a woman who he’s friends with on social media. When we first started dating he’d mentioned her as apparently they’d been messaging and her said he’d been out on a date etc and she’d stopped messaging him. So there was talk of does she have feelings for him? On his birthday every year she leaves public messages with the tag ‘LULT’ (love you long time?). I’ve never really asked him if they were ever ‘involved’ and he was married for 23 years so if so they were very young. She also lives on a different continent now!!! Anyway, we both are open with our phones and when he went for a shower I ashamedly snooped. Only briefly as I didn’t want to get caught and it not me normally. He’d contacted her a few months ago asking how things were, kids etc. no kisses on the message. He’s never told me he’s messaged her. She’d replied with a selfie of herself in uniform (think she’s police?). And one line caught my eye ‘I’m missing you’ ….. then a huge text from my partner about his divorce etc but I didn’t see anything mentioned about me? Again no kisses on the message.

at I being paranoid it really upset me? I was really off with him and he got upset asking what was wrong. He tells me daily how much he loves me, he has custody of his children and they are obviously moving with us when he sells up so it’s not like he’s not 100% committed to me. How do I bring it up without telling him I snooped? Or do I leave it and think it’s a message between two old friends??

OP posts:

SpringIntoChaos · 17/09/2022 10:36

Ryder68 · 17/09/2022 10:20

Thinking about it, I would not like the secret, or at least not mentioning, messaging either and I am well past the meno!

What 'secret'? There is no secret!! A friend sends a friend a text 🤷‍♀️ That's not a secret! There was nothing secret in the message...nothing sexy, intimate, 'off'...nothing! I certainly don't tell a partner about every single text message I send...that's BONKERS! 🤣

Original poster

Boatinggirl27 · 17/09/2022 10:51

I think I feel that because he DIDNT mention it, then he’s possibly hiding something? But then I think well if he’s hiding something why do I have access to his phone? I have lots of male friends and I’ll always mention oh I texted so and so today.

OP posts:

Original poster

Boatinggirl27 · 17/09/2022 10:52

@ladydoris how do I bring up the subject of what she means to him?

OP posts:

ladydoris · 17/09/2022 11:06

Talk about your own meaningful friendships and how and when they crucially helped you. Or who you go to for advice and why. Share about your own experience genuinely then ask him about his. Simply. If she comes up fine. If she does not I would do an inventory. Your five oldest friends. And that would be the time that you disclose that you happen to have seen his message. Some friends are like genuine family. You need to know how much this woman weights in his life.

Original poster

Boatinggirl27 · 17/09/2022 11:21

@ladydoris that’s the thing, as far as I’m aware she DOESNT feature in his life other than being a friend on social media? They both grew up in the same town, he married quite young and was for 23 years. His parents are two of my oldest friends (ex work colleagues in case the age difference seems strange) and I know he was faithful in his marriage. I know nothing about this wknsn other than she lives 24 hours away, and seems to have a crush on him which, to me, he’s feeding by messaging her? Maybe I’m wrong it’s just the way I feel?

OP posts:

Stomacharmeleon · 17/09/2022 11:25

Nothing I have read would make me believe he is anything other than her friend nor trying to hide you.
I think if you bring this up you will cause yourself more issues.
Just let it go ( I don't think you will though)

ladydoris · 17/09/2022 11:35

I have friends were we pop up once a year on SM and we have hours long phone calls to keep up to date. We used to roll in diapers together. Nothing much on social media because we are pre social media. And ye I miss them, the childhood. The laughs. The life before adulthood and marriage and kids. Carefree, and all. We also share the same values. I am not ruling out the romantic whiff, you know what you know, but make sure it's that. Sometimes it's brother from another mother, type of thing especially if he married young and was faithful. If he did not have a crush then (i.e. they never dated) I would not be worried, there might be very good reasons. Some people you would die for but you would never sleep with. You are less the none year in your relationship, there is a lot you need to learn about your partner and you will not find it on his phone. Thread softly.

Original poster

Boatinggirl27 · 17/09/2022 11:39

@Stomacharmeleon i really DO want to leave it be. I just need the strategy to actually think that this IS nothing of a big deal?

OP posts:

Original poster

Boatinggirl27 · 17/09/2022 11:40

@ladydoris I really am treading softly which is why I’m pouring my heart out on here as opposed to loading it all onto him.

OP posts:

youarntaguest · 17/09/2022 11:40

Him and his kids are moving In after 8 months ! No way. That's way too soon and will end In tears

Original poster

Boatinggirl27 · 17/09/2022 11:48

@youarntaguest we have plans to live together but it’s a long way off yet. He has his divorce to go thru, house to sell etc. i think we’ll have been together over a year before that happens.

OP posts:

ladydoris · 17/09/2022 11:51

You have to calm yourself down to zero before you pop up the subject and prepare yourself as to what you are going to do about his reaction. It's has to be a relaxed and positive environment, were you are able to spill the beans too if need be. Be honest too. Have a back up plan if you need time out. Prepare your exit, you can always pick up a slate later but not if it's broken in 1000 pieces. It's not that difficult, he has lots of friend, this one just popped up, and whataboutjenny ? give me the tea. I want to be in on it. If if an old friend and just that you will know.

Original poster

Boatinggirl27 · 17/09/2022 11:54

@ladydoris i don’t understand some of your message? Menopause brain probably 😂 what about Jenny???

OP posts:

ladydoris · 17/09/2022 11:55

The divorce is not finalised yet ? This really seems like ironing things out before moving on to the next step. Work on your intimacy with him. Not what he's doing with anyone else. At the end of the day this is the true measure of you relationship.

ladydoris · 17/09/2022 11:56

I don't know her name. So I said "what about Jenny" Like "what about X, her name just popped of your phone last night"

hotmess19 · 17/09/2022 12:10

Boatinggirl27 · 17/09/2022 09:20

@hotmess19 thank you I think this is what I need to hear? I am very insecure due to being hurt in the past and I want to feel that I’m over reacting? I just don’t know why he never told me he’d messaged her? He tells me about other friends in fact he showed me a lovely exchange he’d had with a friend whereby he told him all about us and our plans etc. this just feels like he’s almost keeping it secret?

To answer your questions with a question, do you really want to hear about every single mundane catch up with a friend he has?
And you aren’t a secret, HIS profile picture is of you two together? He’s mentioned you to her? He’s just not talking about you all the time.
I can offer you a perspective of a friendship that might be similar to his. But I have an old friend, we catch up every couple of months and we never talk about our partners to each other unless it’s a “we” situation, like “we are getting married”. Why? We don’t live in the same country and don’t know each other partners as people. I’m interested in his life, not hers. If that makes sense.

SallyWD · 17/09/2022 12:12

I can't see what he did wrong - he communicated with a female friend. Maybe she has feelings for him but there's nothing to suggest those feelings are reciprocated. I don't tell my husband every time I communicate with my male friends (or my female friends). I don't think he'd have any interest in hearing about all my interactions! Why don't you trust him? You've now seen messages between them and they seem to confirm that your partner isn't romantically interested in her.

Original poster

Boatinggirl27 · 17/09/2022 12:17

@SallyWD @hotmess19 thank you your replies do make perfect sense.

OP posts:

MMmomDD · 17/09/2022 13:40

OP - I think menopause does affect a lot of us. Have you seen a doctor? There really are ways to make the transition to much easier on us and people around us.

As to your actual post. He is allowed to have long term friends. There was nothing at all in his catch-up message to worry about. And, it’s not normal to expect him to inform you about all communications with his friends (of different gender) - which you seem to expect.
You have a good man there, at least going on your description. Enjoy it, instead of worrying about non-issues

flutterbyfly · 18/09/2022 05:09

All this in context, would you not be happier letting him go and moving on with your life??
Shane and I have no intention of destroying his memory, Just showing how things (still) are

flutterbyfly · 18/09/2022 05:10

flutterbyfly · 18/09/2022 05:09

All this in context, would you not be happier letting him go and moving on with your life??
Shane and I have no intention of destroying his memory, Just showing how things (still) are

*shaun (not real name) easier to preemptive text.

mumofblu · 18/09/2022 05:46

He hadn't mentioned it because it isn't important to him
She lives in a different country so it's a social media friend

To put into context
I was with someone 9 years , messy break but we were young . Now married and with my husband for 20 years . But me and ex routinely send happy birthdays on social .
Another ex has become a friend on social media . Years ago now .
We send how you doing messages . Nothing emotional but he had really bad mental health issue then cancer and I was one person who checked up on him .
Both my exes appear happily married ( we don't talk about our partners out of respect ) we just chat , not often .

It's innocent and yes I do mention to my husband if I've heard from them but tbh he's not interested and never shown any curiosity .

From what you've said you've snooped because you don't trust any man . That's your issue you need to deal with .

Live and learn
We all take a risk when we have relationships . That's life x

Catlover1970 · 18/09/2022 06:29

Boatinggirl27 · 17/09/2022 09:20

Firstly I sympathize if you are insecure - those feelings are awful. You shouldn’t have snooped - it’s totally out of order. He is entitled to have a friend with you invading his privacy. The messages were months ago when your relationship was very few so why would he mention you? You’re going to sabotage this relationship if you’re not careful. I’d speak to a counsellor rather than him as he has done nothing wrong

Catlover1970 · 18/09/2022 06:32

SpringIntoChaos · 17/09/2022 10:36

Show quote history

This

sammylady37 · 18/09/2022 06:58

been cheated on so much in the past, don’t feel like I want secrets between us

The excuse of having trust issues because of having been cheated on in the past is regularly trotted out on here to excuse quite controlling behaviour, and you’re doing it here op. You shouldn’t be making him pay for the behaviour of others. If you have trust issues, it’s up to you to deal with them, it’s not up to him to pander to them by jumping through whatever hoops you set for him.

And saying you don’t want secrets between you is chilling to me. He’s entitled to privacy and to have secrets if he wishes. He’s entitled to communicate with friends without having to give you chapter and verse on it. His friends are entitled to communicate with him without you knowing what it’s about.

You’re waving a lot of red flags here.

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