What can I do?

[Purewater28]

My husband is currently being off with me because I explained to him last night that my diagnosed anxiety is, at times, very difficult to manage alongside family, our relationship and work.

When we get along it's lovely but more and more he makes me feel rubbish, do much so, that I've considered ending my life. It's crossed my mind, I wouldn't don't due to my children but when we argue the thought always enters my head.

He got pissed off at me for not arranging to see a therapist from a list he sent me a few months ago and said the therapist I went to see was pointless.

He then turns to our lacking see life, he has said for ages he feels he has to hold back. I feel embarrassed and self conscious about see, I not sure why really but I'm never that fussed about it. I do try hut he claims I do nothing at all to improve the situation, I dread bed times as he bring it up and insists on having these big talks about it late at night.

I think he's playing mind games or, at least, just trying to make me feel like crap. I'll say I'll make tea....he'll not want what I suggest then complain he's had to sort his own food out, he complains all his money goes on bills and that we use my wages to live off....I've offered to swap it over as it makes no difference to me, he contradicts what I do and say to our children, constantly saying I need to do this, do that.

We've been married for 16 years, house and mortgage, 2 children. I'm just not happy and I'm sure he's not too.

I've got a pot of my own money that I've just moved into an account he can't access. I just feel do confused.

Sex, not see!

It seems to me that he may be the cause of a lot of your anxiety and emotional difficulties, rather than the person you turn to for support. His behaviour towards you is unkind to say the least, and some of it sounds abusive.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

If your relationship makes you think about ending your life, then you're not with the right person. You know what needs to happen because you're already saving.
You're never going to want a sexual relationship with someone who puts demands on you. A sexual relationship should be about closeness and sharing each other, not laying down demands.
It's ok to leave and find happiness.

Something sounds seriously amiss here.

Why is he insistant that all of your relationship problems are all your fault.
There seems to be a sinister aspect to this, he keeps setting you up to fail, he speaks of therapists and getting you help but what help and comfort does he actually give towards your state of mind?

It appears you do not feel appreciated, respected or safe, he's hardly filling you with confidence op, is he?

I agree with pp that he is contributing to your deteriorating mental health.
Confusion can be the hallmark of abuse.

From what you've written here, he sounds very controlling and I agree with the others that some of your anxiety (if not all) is coming from actually being in this relationship.
Great idea to move your money, it means you have some independence if you need it later.
I'm not usually one who says LTB but in this case, it might actually be the right thing to do for your MH

Why does he have a problem with the therapist you chose to see?

Sounds like he isn’t helping your situation. Could you have a temporary separation to see if that helps ?
And the money you’ve put away would have to be declared if you divorced.

I went to see a physiotherapist rather than CBT he suggested.

I spoke very openly to him this morning, explained how everything is making me feel. Spoke about leaving, he said main issue is my lack of communication about sex.

This evening I've done a bit of work (self employed so I fit bits in when I can) but now I'm guilty of not making time for our relationship when we'd spoken about watching a film together or something similar. Our DD was up until gone 9 and they were watching a TV show.....he's now stood here saying I'm taking the piss and don't put any effort into it at all.

I need out but how can I do that when there's young children involved, my family isn't local so I can't leave and go to my mum or dad's because I can only do my job from home and my children need to be at school. My heart is pounding, I feel confused.....he has made me genuinely believe I'm a very selfish person and don't care about anyone but my self.

Part of me wants to close my business and get a 'normal' job as I know it does take up a lot if time but I've worked so bloody hard and I know I'd regret it. My husband doesn't have any problem spending money I've made that's additional to the shared bills/disposable etc. That's why I've moved it so it's more under my control.

I feel manipulated but I've got no idea what to do about it, especially when I'm told frequently that I'm selfish and put job effort in.

Agghh, bloody predictive text. *put no effort in

Are you scared of him op ?

I am on edge all the time and scared to say certain things because he twists it. I feel like I'm being dramatic if I say I'm scared of him but I suppose I am in a way.

There's no physical voilence in any way, it's all emotional and financial I suppose.

So maybe could you have sex after your children have fallen asleep sometimes?

How old are your children? Maybe they'll be invited to their friends' sleepovers one day? :)

In this case, I would go to sleep at 21:00 and put an alarm say for midnight for some bonding time as a couple.

Also, maybe he needs to improve on his foreplay techniques and how long it lasts, to wine and dine you sometimes or more often, to buy you some nice (not necessarily expensive) presents occasionally romancing you to bring the necessary spark and desire back into your relations from your side?

I think you need to get your ducks in a row for if you need it.
Have any child benefit paid into your own account.
Do you own your home ? If so, how much equity is in it ?
Do either of you have private pensions ?
Think about how you would get a mortgage or rent as someone who is self employed. Think about how sustainable life is in the long term self employed, and whether being employed might be your best bet.
Then consider seeing a family solicitor. I did and I found it very reassuring.
Sometimes preparing to separate is about playing the long game.

It seems like the OP needs to resolve and work through some key things before she thinks about sex... Trying to rush that when there are massive relationship issues could make matters worse.

OP - for starters - you need to see a psychiatrist, not a psychologist or CBT.
If you are at the point of thinking about suicide - you need to take it seriously and have a treatment that will combine medicine and talk therapy.
I would also add (as someone who has been there) - you can not pass responsibility on someone else.
It’s plain wrong/cruel/etc to tell your spouse - or in fact anyone - that arguments with them make you want to consider suicide.
Its highly manipulative and there is nothing the other person can respond to that.
It is up to you to get your MH under better control.

Your relationship is in a very bad place. There may or may not be a way to fix it.
Have you considered couple’s counselling?
I don’t think you can fix it by doing more or what you two are doing -
you - getting him to accommodate your anxiety and just agree/not argue with you
him - getting you to have more sex with him
Its clear there is resentment on both sides.

You can, of course, just divorce now. But with ongoing MH issues - divorce will be that much harder. It is hard enough as is.
You need to get better help and sort it out before you explode your and your children’s life. It may be what needs to happen anyway. But, at least, get prepared better

So you feel intimidated by him.

Are you using your health problems to keep him at arms length or try to difuse situations of him berating and critisising you.

Some men do not need to use physical violence, the mere tone of their voice can be enough for some women to flinch and become anxious,, sometimes abused people do not recognise they are in fact being intimidated, bullied and abused.

Why are you suggesting she has sex with someone who makes her feel rubbish? How do you think that will make her feel better?
Horrible advice.

he has made me genuinely believe I'm a very selfish person and don't care about anyone but my self

He hasn't, though, has he? You wouldn't be saying this if you really thought that this would be an accurate description of yourself, any more than a person would say 'He's made me believe I'm 5'6" ' when they were actually 5'6". You know what you are, and it's not selfish.

If people tend to be abusive in relations (often because of their own low self-esteem) or choose a bully-type behaviour, they rarely change.

In this case, the right option would be he either puts enough effort and stops abuse and bullying or it's not going to work and you would not feel sexually attracted to him.

Some people don't mind a bit of light verbal (occasional dirty talk) (not physical) abuse and bullying and it's like a sexual game that could sexually excite them too as everyone is different.

Some people don't mind a bit of light verbal (occasional dirty talk)
(not physical) abuse and bullying and it's like a sexual game that could
sexually excite them too as everyone is different

Sorry have I just stumbled across some porn site 😕