My ex makes me feel like I'm going mad... any advice?

[scooterbee38]

My ex walked out on me when my daughter was 10 months old! (This time last year)! He did it whilst I was on holiday, with no care about how I would pay for the rent, cope with going back to work and a young baby (was due to go back to work a month later). There were many reasons for the breakdown in our relationship... he turned to drink when our daughter was born, caught him buying drugs, got into huge amounts of debt and we argued a lot. He moved forty mins away and can only afford a one bed flat so she sleeps in his bed. My daughter spends one night (sometimes the whole weekend there) and he sees her more when has holiday etc! I'm trying to keep everything as amicable as possible
And keep my daughter's life stable too! She has a great routine during the week and goes to nursery five minutes down the road from me. Today he asked if he could have her one day in the week... I said no as her routine and stability in the week is important and instead could we work something out so he could have her longer at the weekends. His job is also unpredictable and he works away, early morning and late nights and I know he'll be flaky and just expect me to slot into his plans when they change. I don't think this is fair on our daughter. Or me to be honest.

We texted about it earlier and it ended up getting heated. He called me an absolute joke and said I need help. He constantly lies but tells me I'm the liar and tells me I am manipulative and a joke. I feel like I'm going mad. I look after our daughter 24/7. When she had to go to a&e in the middle of the night he refused to join me and didn't answer calls or texts, when I've agreed he can take her away on holiday he has brought her back early, he demands time with her but then picks her up late and drops her back at my house early. I don't get it. He also pays minimum (£300 in maintenance) but baring in mind the nursery alone is £1600 a month it's a drop in the ocean. He sometimes works at the weekend but I never see a penny of the extra money and it's never offered. I even had to get him a car seat for her.

So after my long rant, I'm asking how anyone has dealt with an ex that always makes you feel like you're going mad! When I present him with facts he calls me a liar/loon boon/pschyo/mental then I react to it and do sound mad. I'm no means perfect but I do know the difference between facts and fiction. It feels like I'm dealing with a narcissistic person, who I won't ever be able to get rid of. I try and compromise, offer for him to come to mine to see her in the week and FaceTime him every night but he makes me out like I'm trying to keep his daughter from him. I want stability for my daughter, whilst giving her quality time with her dad at weekends and holidays. I'm trying to appease him but he just throws it all back at me. Not sure the point of this post but I'm hoping maybe someone has dealt with similar and tell me the best approach.

There will be lots of people with good advice. I just wanted to say, you sound sensible. Of course you need to put your daughter's needs first!

Don't try and appease him. Keep a diary of him collecting late and coming back early. Don't engage by justifying. Keep it short - eg that won't work for DD. If he's late for pick up give him 15 minutes then go out. Read up on grey rock techniques.

Sorry you’re going through this, it’s makes it more difficult with a LO.

Potentially your ex is trying to make things so difficult that you will refuse contact and he doesn’t have to be a father and gets to blame you? Although I could be cynical!

IME at least this behaviour doesn’t change and the best you can do is limit the amount of interaction you have with him.

The one thing i learnt about ex.. you can't turn him into the parent your Dd deserves.

Also if he is going to gas light you keep your distance..co parenting only works with 2 parents working together.

If you think he in underpaying.. go to cms..

Stop trying to make it better. Let him buy car seat, stop trying to pasify him.

Thanks everyone for your replies! So helpful. I will look into the grey rock technique. Before he left I called women's aid a few times out of desperation and they said to me I was in an abusive relationship. For so long, and even now, my ex says I am the abusive, manipulative, mental one. I've always suffered from low self-esteem so rather than being strong enough to believe he is talking BS. I question myself and his behaviour. I don't believe he is doing this to never he see his daughter, because he does love her! But like many men, he likes to have her when he wants on his terms and pay what he can afford, not what he should. In my opinion if he wanted to see her, most parents would love a whole weekend with their child instead of weekday night! But he wants to be able to have some of the weekend free to go out/rest etc!

I think I also need some therapy, because the whole thing was so traumatic! I find him a bully and very hot and cold. Something I would never wish for my own child to go through. I really appreciate your replies... when someone is seriously low and struggling these forums can be a lifesaver xxxx

Calling you the abuser is a tactic too: darvo. Google it and see if it sounds familiar.

Therapy is good, the go to advice on MN is to do the freedom program. I think you would probably benefit from reading why does he do that.

I get your plight. Been there. Experiencing it still. The men will walk out, abandon the kids, then turn around and twist it that you are the crazy one. Well, anyone who is stuck with a kid 24/7, putting that child first, and having to deal with a sick child, bills, worry about money, is not human if they don't go "crazy".

My ex does the same. Won't call when he is late, communicates to the kids NOT me, treats me like the slave that raised his kids for the past 5 years when he disappeared, then expects to waltz right back in and be the perfect fun disney dad like nothing happened. And OH, I am the bad parent. Kids are misbehaving because copying my aggressive behaviour, nothing to do with him abandoning them.

Stay firm . You are the main carer and it is suffocating , but you got to put yourself first. YEs, he loves his daughter, but he doesn't love you or respect you. YOu don't need to pt up with that.

It's likely he is trying to bait you and then accuse you of being unstable. If you can see his tactics it will help you to not react. There is no point having a debate/argument with someone who isn't emotionally stable or mature. He won't change and he won't be reasonable.

Firstly never respond immediately - wait a minimum of a few hours or overnight. Only respond with a few stock phrases. If he has a new woman on the scene he might be trying to show her how unstable and unreasonable you are. Don't give him the satisfaction of upsetting you.

I wonder if he’s trying to take her more so he can pay you less? It’s something about if he has hee three nights a week he doesn’t need to lay maintenance or something. Others will know.
Classic tactic from a stingy git who doesn’t see that by short changing you he short changes his baby- who should be the most important thing in his life.

Ignore his bull crap.

You’re providing a stable environment for your daughter. He’s just trying to push your buttons with the name calling. Grey rock him. You deserve better.

PS - Go into the benefits checker and see if you’re getting all the help you’re entitled too. There could be more you can claim?

Pay not lay maintenance

Cut the emotions out if your conversation with him if he starts name calling put the phone down I used to put it down walk away and when he stopped screaming I would say I disagree now about the children if he started again I would interrupt long enough to say I'm not arguing with you and put the phone down

Try and communicate via text and email as much as possible. Never respond to any of his bullshit, only respond about arrangements for pick ups and drop offs or any other strictly parenting business. Do not enter into phone calls and keep any pick ups and drop offs fast and impersonal.